Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm walking away

My head knew it was over and it conveyed the message through my mouth via the telephone to my boyfriend. Now none of this went through my heart because for one reason or the other my heart couldnt come to terms with the fact that it was broken. That was Monday the 21st.

I remember him asking why I was acting up and this was not right and was it because of this or that or this etc etc...okay why dont we see and talk about it...could you please arrange a meeting lets talk? he asked. And I wondered how it is that I have to be the one to arrange a 'meeting' for us to see and talk about a break up? All my insistance that it doesnt matter if we see or not becos I wasnt changing my mind fell on deaf ears. Long story short I decided to meet him up somewhere to talk about it, besides I still had part of his bday gift I hadnt given him yet because the parcel was delayed. So I called off my other appointment for saturday and met up with boyfriend

''Baby I dont understand why you are acting up...what did I do, was it because of last week saturday...ok I'm sorry'

''...it wasnt becos of that, its just a mixture of a lot of things like I said and...''

'' Is there someone else'' he interrupts as if what I'm saying isnt worth hearing

'' There is no one else...and this is what I'm talking about, you wouldnt even listen when I talk'' I said a bit amused becos this is how our conversation always goes

...then we talked or rather I talked and he heard me but I knew he wasnt listening, he knows I still care for  him,and I really do but I know that love is not enough. I know he loves me... but I also know that he is emotionally unavailable, I know he would always have other options, I know with him I'll always be alone because what I find funny he finds ridiculous, what I find painful he finds hilarious  what I take seriously he takes for granted... and no matter how much I talk about these, he will never understand.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, but i dont think wanting to feel secure in love is too much to ask...and I have never felt that way with him. And I'm tired of wondering.

Does this make him bad? No it doesnt... it just means I'm not the girl he can do those things with. One day he will find that girl and do all the right things with her, he would pay her all the attention she needs, he would put her first, he would include her in his decision making, she will be one of his top priorities, he would listen to even her unspoken words and he would show her he loves her everyway he can...he would be honest with her...he wouldnt switch off his phones on weekends and public holidays, he would want to spend time with her even if he doesnt have the time, he would make out time...he would be concerned when she says she is ill, with her he would be able to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize without being asked to...he wouldnt make her feel she is being oversensitive when she calls him to his errors...he will make her feel she is enough for him and he wouldnt have a problem showing commitment to her. And that is just how life is. That's just the way it is

''Jay you mean alot to me...are you sure you have thought this through and you think this is the best conclusion?''

Would have sounded nicer than:

''If it makes you happy then no wories...I'll adjust to being without you, I just hope you know what you are doing and are not making a mistake''

It would have sounded better but at the point were I was, it wouldnt have made a difference...I have had enough. And as much as it hurts and breaks my heart to know that its over... I also know that nothing is worth being pushed away emotionally over and over again for...or being abused emotionally over and over again. Actually no one is worth losing my self esteem for, I've spent alot of time building myself to the me that is strong and secure and I wont allow one man tear my self confidence down and turn me into an insecure broad...enough is enough.

Sometimes Its okay to hit the disconnect/red button and that is what I did officially on Saturday the 26th Of June...

Will I miss him? Yes I would...he called me this morning on my way to the ofice saying:

''So for real you dont want to check up on me again? you didnt even call me through out yesterday...dont you know I miss you?''


I miss him too...but its going to be fine. That project is for another girl. And I wish her success. I'm through with following my heart...now I'm going to be leading my heart and it would follow me.


I'd rather be alone and ALONE...than have a partner and STILL be alone.








''Nutty how do you manage to just walk away...after all the time and energy you have invested...I mean how come its never difficult for you to pull the plug'' my friends have a way of asking.

Contrary to what they think its hard...its very hard walking away, especially this one...hell I purposely didnt get into any relationship for two years because I didnt want to make a mistake or get into one for the wrong reasons... but I know the truth, which is that, being with him isnt a healthy environment for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sometimes physically. So no matter how heart breaking it is, I can get out...after all the truth you know sets you free. and deep down we always know he truth... its accepting it that is the problem most times


If its the pain I feel...then its no problem, I'm no stranger to pain. No mater how much the pain lasts, its only going to be for a while.


I know its gonna be okay.


N'J

18 comments:

  1. (((((huuuugggggsssss))) darling, i'm so sorry that it had to come to this, really prayed you guys will find a way to fix it. but you made the best and the right decision for you and thats all that matters. In time you will find that exactly that your heart desires. It is well. xxxxx

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  2. Thanks dear...better it came to this now than later.

    (((huggsss))) right back at you with equal strength.

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  3. I hate when someone goes through this.. I really do.. Cause the pain is something I wouldn't even wish for someone I don't care about not to talk of someone I do..
    I'm sure you've thought it over..
    I'm impressed with your strength..
    I'm impressed the the mature reasons you gave..
    I'm here, whatever you need dear..
    Take care

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  4. Thank you 2cute2...and you can bet on it that I'll send in my questions when I get confused.

    Thanks dear

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  5. omg. my last relationship with * Paul went the exact same way. Except unlike you by the time i left i was almost a shadow of myself. It sucked so much. I totally know how u feel but maybe like me you'll meet his brother who'll make it all better *wink*

    " One day he will find that girl and do all the right things with her, he would pay her all the attention she needs, he would put her first, he would include her in his decision making, she will be one of his top priorities, he would listen to even her unspoken words and he would show her he loves her everyway he can...he would be honest with her...he wouldnt switch off his phones on weekends and public holidays, he would want to spend time with her even if he doesnt have the time, he would make out time...he would be concerned when she says she is ill, with her he would be able to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize without being asked to...he wouldnt make her feel she is being oversensitive when she calls him to his errors"

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  6. Vanity thank you... I've run far oh...and even if his brother comes wrapped in gucci and there is a 'good man' star on his forehead...I will not think about it...hahahaha

    Put up a post to let us know whats up with paul* and his bro...I cant wait

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  7. Babe, I have a dichotomoy in the type of comments I want to make, one as a friend, the other as a sis. :

    This is what I have to say to you..as a friend now (Read: no sentiments). Relationships are very hard to understand, but they do need some ingredients in order to work out, one of which is time. But breaking up with someone is not a guarantee that the next person wont do same thing at some point.
    Think of any great relationship, there are people that are working to make it look so great. I bet if Jada Smith opens her mouth to say how life with Will Smith is ehn, you go bow, or what of Mrs Obama, only the wife of busiest and most popular man in the western world. A man that everybody wants a piece of of, even at that they take time out so they can sort out differences outside the glare of the cameras.

    I am saying we should list the pros and cons and weigh against each other before making that big decision.

    What I will say as a pseudosister: Whatever your decision is, I am on your side. Besides if this is the person whose mum disliked you on your sight..I am on your side armed with my AK47 incase someone wants to start sumthing up all in your space. :)
    xx

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  9. Mena: Thanks for stopping by. I understand about working it out...and working hard to make it work. And I can assure you that I did exactly that. But by default the guy is just not emotionally available and THAT is for him to work on. How can he work on that if he hasnt admitted it to himself first...my girl na long thing.

    Besides his mum is still casting and binding the Delta girl (me) from his life and the prayers of a righteous woman avails much abi... eh en.

    I no know watin warri do people ooooo....lol

    what is wrong with coming from warri? Mena blog about it

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  10. :(
    :(
    :(

    Let God heal you okay dear :)
    I know with time, despite the hurt, you'll be brand new... :)

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  11. Wow. I am deeply impressed by your bravery. I really am. You deserve ten thumbs up and a group hug for this. I just wish more women would be smart and strong enough to think and choose like you have.

    Take care, dear

    You will be better in time

    (((hug)))

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  12. Mwajim & 9jaPhoenix: Thank you very much.

    Really appreciate this

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  13. I just read this and first a hug to you.

    Kudos to you for not just saying but taking action because contrary to all the female empowerment chants it is not easy to walk away from someone but you did. You put yourself first and faced reality and did what was best for you at this point. I hope everyting works out and thank you for sharing this was so succinctly.

    Taynement

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  14. I finally finished the paul and I saga
    somepeoplehaverealproblems-vanity.blogspot.com

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  15. Round of applause! I definitely give you mad props for being brave enough to walk away, I know that it couldn't have been easy...AT ALL. But ultimately, you made what you felt was the right choice for you and I hail you.

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  16. Original M: Thanks girl...and you are right, e no easy at all... sometimes Its still not easy. But over the years I have learned to put love in perspective. Sometimes it’s required to act against my heart.

    And who sleeps soundly at night now? ME. Thats right, I now sleep well again.

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  17. Awesome, simply awesome....

    "...I know he would never need me as much as I need him,.....I know with him I'll always be alone because..."

    "I'd rather be alone and ALONE...than have a partner and STILL be alone."

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  18. right choice...i made the same choice in January, it was hard and was miserable for the first half of the year; depressed, disappointed and discouraged. but hey, morning came after night...i found someone that could love me the way i wanted to be loved and ways i never imagined i could be loved and the good thing was that he is someone i could love to...I became glad for Jan 25th..because if i dint make that tough choice, i may have not been free to meet my soul mate so stay strong

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Say it as you mean it... I can take it