Friday, August 26, 2016

I miss being in Love

I miss having that  feeling you get when you know there's someone out there who's swaying to the same rhythm in your heart 

Someone who looks forward to you as eagerly as you look forward to him

Someone you know that no matter what, so long as he's there, everything else can go to shit

I don't want the one sided kinda love where he's doing all the loving and I'm doing all the smiling...'s not enough 

I want the kinda love where I love right back, fervently. 

The kind of love where we cant wait for the work hours to be over, only so we can be together.... make each other laugh be silly together kiss the work stress away
.... and just to be with each other. 

It's been a long time. I can't remember when last I felt that way

I miss that

I miss the butterflies 

I miss having my heart skip in love

I miss being in love. 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Healing For Your Pain

I was told to write an essay recently on my worse pain

I couldn’t think about anything… I kept going back and forth in my head trying to think about what it could have been. And honestly when I started writing this I was just going to write that nothing really in my past has been that painful to qualify as ‘that painful’. Not even when I lost my first job because I had gone to do a surgery 

But then a memory hit me on the spot! Like God brought it back to my memory

So it was the month of June 2002, I was writing my SSCE,  it was also my birth month. Coincidentally I had the same birth date with an uncle, my dad’s cousin. And he was turning a certain age that year (I cant remember), but I remember we had all jokingly agreed I will be celebrating with him that year.

At least in my mind I believe that was the tentative plan…  ironically his son was my classmate, so most of our class mates would be at that party

I prepared for that day. I think I bought a new outfit, I made my hair a fascinating cornrow kinda style. I was amped. My birthday was a Tuesday (June 4th) but this party was for a Saturday, June 8th

Then comes June 8th 2002… a Saturday.  My mum was working morning duty and she had told us she would meet us at the venue. So by afternoon I had prepared food for my dad and siblings to eat and I was hurriedly doing the dishes so that I could go dress up for Uncle G’s birthday. Then my dad walked into the kitchen and the following conversation ensued:

Where do you think you are going, what’s all this excitement about’ ' My dad asked

Errhm for Uncle G’s birthday, it’s this afternoon….'  I responded puzzled, honestly I was confused.

Naaaahhhh… you are not going,  oh ooo so that you can go and meet all those useless boys in your class abi? Or you think I don’t know what the excitement is about? and etc etc etc

He went on and on and on and I couldn’t believe it. This day I had looked forward to for weeks! Like this like this the day was being snatched away only based on an imagination of his on what I couldn’t even frigging understand.

I walked normally to my room, , locked the door, went into my wardrobe, cried silently, cried and cried and cried. Yeah in my home you don’t just stay anywhere and cry because that could trigger another stream of verbal abuse. So you hide to cry. If you had to cry, that is. Today i wasn't even crying that I wouldn't be attending the party... I was crying at the accusations of a crime I was being punished for. A crime I hadn't commited. I didn't even understand what my dad was saying to me. 

After that I took the card I had bought for Uncle G, addressed it and gave my younger brother to help me give him at the party

My dad saw the card, abused me some more and asked me if I bought him a big card like that for his own birthday, said I was trying to impress my uncles sons…. and long story short, I was left at home. Heartbroken

Now let’s recap… I was being punished for a crime I did not commit, a crime I did not even plan to commit, and all based on imagination/assumption. Mind you this was my dad's usual way so this wasn't the first time I was being denied or verbally abused about  something, as a punishment for nothing 

What was the crime? It was that the reason I was excited was because ‘I knew my class mates will be there and so I want to go and see the useless boys, plus  the crime of wanting to impress my cousins’.

What the fig???? Typing this now I cannot even understand this

This issue came up again June 12th, and it led to me being asked to leave the house after I got through with my WAEC (long story) and I was out of the house for Nine (9) months, until I gained admission to the university.

Apparently that incidence changed something in me. I didn't know that until last Sunday night when I recalled the memory. So that for every time I perceived I was being wrongly accused by someone I cared for, or if they misconstrued my actions and did not bother to seek clarification from me, I automatically made effort to prove them right. After all if I was to be 'punished', I might as well do the crime. And I lived like that for a long time

Sad way to live

Many years passed and I began walking closely with the Lord and I stopped doing that. 

But I discovered of recent that being falsely accused triggered something in me, I get crazy, mad, erratic up to the point of permanently ending every thread of contact with the person. Which was better than excuting the murderous thoughts that play in my head those moments

Why am I sharing this? Because I know many of you will say: 'because of this small thing?"

You see there are histories buried and stored in us through past  experiences of life, that makes us respond in certain ways to the situations that we face today. Thus you face a particular situation and what was stored back there in time past affects the way you respond to the present  situation confronting you. You may never know why you behave strangely sometimes, until you search those things out and deal them. Because many are coming from buried unforgiven  memories. I believe if you ask God to show you why you react in certain ways, He will help you and show you and then heal you.  He searches the heart and deep places of our being.  

I got my healing on Monday... I guess God wanted to heal me from that stronghold and thus He revealed to me the source. You too can be healed, and I pray that God heals your pain and sets you free from every bondage, both known and unknown in Jesus name 

Happy Weekend in Advance  :) 

Monday, March 28, 2016

I Am Stuck!!!

I am lying in bed tonight, disgruntled, a lot running through my mind and I feel stuck. I feel like everything and everyone around me is making significant progress or at least have got it all figured out for themselves... except me 

It is an annoying state of mind. I literally do not know what to do or even what I am doing (come to think about it). About anything 

And the fact that Nigeria seems to be folding up is not helping matters. 

The weather is constantly hot, there is no steady light, there is no fuel for generator, there is no fuel for my car that is bought effortlessly without queuing, inflation is unbearable. Did I mention that the weather is unbearably hot?

And to crown it up like I said, I really really feel stuck in a never ending circle!!

The public holiday ends today and work starts tomorrow and I am just not myself 

I am not happy. 

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Defining THE WILL OF GOD in Lay-man terms

Happy New Year my people

I wont allow this month crawl by without wishing you all a  H A P P Y N E W Y E A R

This month has been the longest I have experienced in ages, and it is still ongoing. It is still January. 

I will give you all the gist regarding all that has happened to me in this one month. It's crazy how one month can have so much highs and lows and highs and lows... phew!! story for another time. 

Okay so I have a lay man's explanation for what it means to find the will of God regarding a situation, and that's what I want to write about today. 


For everyone of us there is a story also known as a plan, that God has written/drawn out for us and for our life's journey. Right from before we were born.  This story goes according to what He wants (not according to what we wish). The plots, scenes and actions in this story have been written according to what He wants, and He has outlined  how and when these things will play out during your life time. All for His purpose 

Thus when we request something from Him, it is always in our best interest to ask Him first if what you are requesting is part of the story He has written for you. That is what is referred to as '...finding out the will of God concerning a matter' 

If what you seek is part of His will for you, then you receive your request effortlessly if it is in line with the season for you to receive it, and what you have requested for will come with peace, joy and rest of mind. 

However if it is not His will for you to have what you are requesting, if it is not in your story, dearest you will ask from everlasting to everlasting and it won't come to you. Especially if you are a beloved of God. You will pray and fast and try hard, and you will just be wasting energy and time because He won't allow that thing happen for you.  Hallelujah!! You see you need to trust what he said here, whether you trust in pain and tears and sorrow, you just need to trust His word when He says:

'For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end'.  Jeremiah 29:11

I'd love to just end the discussion here.  But I must say this though, there are times we persist and sulk and throw tantrums and insist and will rather die than let go of what we are asking for. Stubborn!! Most times you can keep asking and you still won't get it, but then again on some rare, very rare occassion you will get what you want, but trust me, it would not bring you the satisfaction you thought it would, it would steal your joy instead of bring you joy, as a matter of fact it will bring about bumps and gallops on your life's story and would make you go through a longer and tougher path through your life's journey.  

Don't let anyone deceive you, it is not easy trusting God every time and with every thing...sometimes you will trust in tears, in groanings, but trust him anyways. He holds all the cards. And one thing I know, He is good and even though sometimes it doesn't seem like that, believe anyway that He is good, and He is good to You.

Practice trusting God this year... trust Him to take you where He wants to take you to this year 2016...regardless of if it is where you had planned on going. You will be glad you followed Him 

Kisses and Hugs always

Nutty Jay 

Monday, December 14, 2015


I was studying about salt recently, and it would blow your mind just how much we can know if only we would use google the right way.  But the basic of all things salt, is that: it is essential to the health of people and animals and is used universally as a seasoning

Many of us who cook will agree with me that no matter how well you mix ingredients and add all the assorted meat parts in Africa, without salt in the food, it would be tasteless and will remain tasteless until you put a pinch of salt, or a teaspoon of salt, or a table spoon of salt, depending on how large a soup you are cooking. 

Thus salt isn't food itself, rather it is the substance that makes food tasty. It is the reason why we want to eat food. It brings out the taste in all the ingredients in the food. 

' are the salt of the earth...' Matthew 5:13

It would amaze you the things you can find out about yourself if only you read your bible. Jesus was saying to the believers at that time, and believers now, that we are the salt of the earth! You are the salt of the earth, I am the salt of the earth. The whole earth, little me I am the salt of the earth.  Meaning I have what it takes to add taste to this earth.  Isn't that amazing??

It makes me understand that whenever I find myself in an other wise tasteless environment, what is expected of me, by default, is to add taste to that environment. Do you know that for everytime you talk to a person, or join in a conversation you are supposed to leave that conversation or that person better than you met them? Yes you are.... that is what being the salt of the earth means

Many of us I know are on a journey of trying to discover the reason for which you were created, and I believe it would be revealed to you, however this is one purpose you do not need revelation on because it has already been revealed in the bible: YOU ARE THE SALT OF THE EARTH

'...the whole creation waits breathless with anticipation for the revelation of God's sons and daughter..' Romans 8:19

What are they waiting for? They are waiting for you and I to begin to do what Children of God are created to do, that is shine in dark situations, season tasteless circumstances, do good works so that your Father is glorified

 'Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.'  Matthew 5:16

The year 2016 approaches, and the time has come for you and I to begin to make a positive difference every where we find ourselves. You must begin to walk in concsiousness of who you are as a child of God, and begin to add taste where ever you go: in your family, in your neighbourhood, in your community, amongst your friends, in your church, in your city, in your state until you take the entire nation for Christ.  

Many times all you need to do is live an exemplary life, because  it is not about what you say, it is about what you do and how you are when no one is watching...people will see that exemplary life and want to be a part of the life you live. Do not waste your saltiness...because then you really wouldn't be reconciling anyone to God, which is the sole reason Christ died for us. Thus you would be doing nothing as a Christian except occupying space.

'...but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men'. Matthew 5:13b


Kisses and Hugs 

Nutty Jay