Thursday, June 30, 2016

Healing For Your Pain

I was told to write an essay recently on my worse pain

I couldn’t think about anything… I kept going back and forth in my head trying to think about what it could have been. And honestly when I started writing this I was just going to write that nothing really in my past has been that painful to qualify as ‘that painful’. Not even when I lost my first job because I had gone to do a surgery 

But then a memory hit me on the spot! Like God brought it back to my memory

So it was the month of June 2002, I was writing my SSCE,  it was also my birth month. Coincidentally I had the same birth date with an uncle, my dad’s cousin. And he was turning a certain age that year (I cant remember), but I remember we had all jokingly agreed I will be celebrating with him that year.

At least in my mind I believe that was the tentative plan…  ironically his son was my classmate, so most of our class mates would be at that party

I prepared for that day. I think I bought a new outfit, I made my hair a fascinating cornrow kinda style. I was amped. My birthday was a Tuesday (June 4th) but this party was for a Saturday, June 8th

Then comes June 8th 2002… a Saturday.  My mum was working morning duty and she had told us she would meet us at the venue. So by afternoon I had prepared food for my dad and siblings to eat and I was hurriedly doing the dishes so that I could go dress up for Uncle G’s birthday. Then my dad walked into the kitchen and the following conversation ensued:

Where do you think you are going, what’s all this excitement about’ ' My dad asked

Errhm for Uncle G’s birthday, it’s this afternoon….'  I responded puzzled, honestly I was confused.

Naaaahhhh… you are not going,  oh ooo so that you can go and meet all those useless boys in your class abi? Or you think I don’t know what the excitement is about? and etc etc etc

He went on and on and on and I couldn’t believe it. This day I had looked forward to for weeks! Like this like this the day was being snatched away only based on an imagination of his on what I couldn’t even frigging understand.

I walked normally to my room, , locked the door, went into my wardrobe, cried silently, cried and cried and cried. Yeah in my home you don’t just stay anywhere and cry because that could trigger another stream of verbal abuse. So you hide to cry. If you had to cry, that is. Today i wasn't even crying that I wouldn't be attending the party... I was crying at the accusations of a crime I was being punished for. A crime I hadn't commited. I didn't even understand what my dad was saying to me. 

After that I took the card I had bought for Uncle G, addressed it and gave my younger brother to help me give him at the party

My dad saw the card, abused me some more and asked me if I bought him a big card like that for his own birthday, said I was trying to impress my uncles sons…. and long story short, I was left at home. Heartbroken

Now let’s recap… I was being punished for a crime I did not commit, a crime I did not even plan to commit, and all based on imagination/assumption. Mind you this was my dad's usual way so this wasn't the first time I was being denied or verbally abused about  something, as a punishment for nothing 

What was the crime? It was that the reason I was excited was because ‘I knew my class mates will be there and so I want to go and see the useless boys, plus  the crime of wanting to impress my cousins’.

What the fig???? Typing this now I cannot even understand this

This issue came up again June 12th, and it led to me being asked to leave the house after I got through with my WAEC (long story) and I was out of the house for Nine (9) months, until I gained admission to the university.

Apparently that incidence changed something in me. I didn't know that until last Sunday night when I recalled the memory. So that for every time I perceived I was being wrongly accused by someone I cared for, or if they misconstrued my actions and did not bother to seek clarification from me, I automatically made effort to prove them right. After all if I was to be 'punished', I might as well do the crime. And I lived like that for a long time

Sad way to live

Many years passed and I began walking closely with the Lord and I stopped doing that. 

But I discovered of recent that being falsely accused triggered something in me, I get crazy, mad, erratic up to the point of permanently ending every thread of contact with the person. Which was better than excuting the murderous thoughts that play in my head those moments

Why am I sharing this? Because I know many of you will say: 'because of this small thing?"

You see there are histories buried and stored in us through past  experiences of life, that makes us respond in certain ways to the situations that we face today. Thus you face a particular situation and what was stored back there in time past affects the way you respond to the present  situation confronting you. You may never know why you behave strangely sometimes, until you search those things out and deal them. Because many are coming from buried unforgiven  memories. I believe if you ask God to show you why you react in certain ways, He will help you and show you and then heal you.  He searches the heart and deep places of our being.  

I got my healing on Monday... I guess God wanted to heal me from that stronghold and thus He revealed to me the source. You too can be healed, and I pray that God heals your pain and sets you free from every bondage, both known and unknown in Jesus name 

Happy Weekend in Advance  :)