Inadequate Father: THE SHADOW DAD

Previously on the series of Inadequate Fathers we talked about the BOUNDARY BUSTER DAD.  Kindly follow the link to read up

The last category of inadequate fathers is the SHADOW DAD. He is the father that is physically present but emotionally unavailable. That’s the kind most Nigerian Children had growing up. He is a shadow dad because of his own addictions…TV, work, friends, alcohol etc.

You wake up and see your dad, he drops you off at school and until you go back to bed at night he is nowhere to be found, so there is never an opportunity to connect with daddy.  The biggest conversation  most have with such dads are probably: ‘daddy they say we should buy text books’, ‘daddy my shoes are worn out and I need new ones’ Never is there an opportunity  for any intellectual or spiritual conversation with dad.

He is the father, for example,
who sits in front of the TV and the child would come in and the conversation would go thus:

The Inadequate Father- BOUNDARY BUSTER DAD

This is the father that busts the personal boundaries of his children through abuses. It could be physical abuse, emotional, verbal and even spiritual abuses. A few years back we heard so many stories coming from the Cross-river and Awka Ibom axis about children they were calling witches and wizards and throwing away...it got so bad that the government had to set up schools to take them in. Most of these children were taken to churches and were beaten and stoned and branded with hot irons and those doing it said they were beating the demons out of them...this is spiritual abuse, those children may reject God for life except for some divine intervention

A certain lady who is 49 years old has refused to get married and when investigations were made about this, it was discovered that her father busted her sexual boundaries by having sex with her from age 4 till she was 16. There is also psychological abuse whereby parents purposely withhold certain things in a bid to punish their children e.g. school fees, shelter etc. He busts the personal boundaries of his children.

The legacy such dads leave for their children are:

The Inadequate Father (CRITICAL DAD)

Last week we started a series on the Inadequate Father...culled from a teaching I heard on wounds fathers unconsciously inflict on their children. Last week was focused on the Missing In Action Father.... if you missed it, please click here

The Critical Dad

This is the father who does not accept himself and is projecting his poor self image on his children. He is the father who hasn't achieved in his own time and is taking out his frustration on his children. There was a certain man who tried to study medicine but couldn't, so he forced his seven (7) children to read medicine...most of them ended up spending 12 years in the university because they had no idea what they were doing. Another example are fathers whose kids come second (2) in class and they yell and scream: 'WHY DID YOU COME SECOND, THE PERSON WHO CAME FIRST DOES HE HAVE TWO HEADS? HOW DARE YOU WASTE MY MONEY LIKE THIS'.... instead of simply saying 'well-done, you did well...next time try and come first'

The legacy Critical fathers leave for these children (who grow to be adults) include:

1. Poor Self Image: Children from a critical dad who grow up to be adults, project poor self image, they have a distorted image of themselves and their abilities

The Inadequate Father- M.I.A

Yesterday was father's day and many of us celebrated our fathers on Facebook and blackberry...but not many of us, are willing to face the truth about how some abnormalities we notice in our behaviors are a direct result of our father's inadequacies while we were growing up.

I listened to a teaching about the the wounds fathers unconsciously and/or consciously inflict on their children while they were growing up, and I'll we sharing it with you all (in my own words) in this series titled 'The inadequate Father'. We will start with the Missing-In-Action Father (MIA Father)

The Missing-in-Action Father is one who is alive but is/was unavailable. He  is the father that interrupts the emotional bonding between him and his children by his long absences. Fathers working in rigs are wounding their children without knowing it. Fathers who work elsewhere, like soldiers who get transferred on military assignments to other countries while leaving their children to be raised by their wives are wounding their children without knowing it. Every time they come back and the child is trying to reconnect, before he succeeds, daddy is gone. Children from a broken home also fall within this category of those who grow up with a M.I.A father

Considering the fact that children are egocentric, i.e. believing that everything is about them or revolves around them, these children grow up with the misplaced thought that ‘Daddy left because of me, if only I was a better child, if only I was a prettier child, if only I was wanted, daddy would have stayed’. They never consider it that its mummy and daddy's inability to make their relationship work. Such thoughts are not loud or outright, it is mostly in the subconscious thus is not easily identified or seen as a threat to their future relationship with others

The legacy absentee fathers leave for these children (who grow to be adults) include: