Me and Attachments

I admit here today that I am the most cowardly and stupid person the world has ever seen when it comes to being attached to people and things and any fucking frigging thing you can think off.

This is not a rant, I am not ranting... I repeat this is NOT A RANT. I am here to tell you that the inability to walk off, or tear myself away from anything I hold dear, even when that thing I hold dear is no longer in my best interest, that inability to walk off, is a sickness. It is a disease...one that I'm suffering from, it is a curse, one that I need deliverance from, its a stronghold that needs to be broken and nailed to the cross.

If not how else can one describe holding on to a shut door and trying to make it open and sweating in the process and suffering when a similar door is widely open and beckoning for me to come in without effort???

How else can one explain holding on to friends that clearly don't want to be friends

How else can one explain moaning a pen that goes missing and refusing to write anything using another black pen for weeks on end

What else can I describe never ever ever ever wanting to discard anything? except i'm 100% sure it is going into the hands of a better owner. I don tire, I think its a curse...and I'm just a fool. Life was so much easier when I rarely cared about anyone or anything and could use and dump and reject people and things at the drop of the hat. Somewhere along the line I grew up and became cursed with a stupid foolish and useless conscience that wants to kill me. A conscience that wants to ruin me and bury me without a shirt on my back... what a fool!! I don't even need anyone to mess things up for me, I rain on my own fucking parades...what the hell?

This is not a rant... I swear I am not ranting.

Nutty J

I've Been Gone For Too Long...

...and it feels like forever. I'll summarize this as quick as possible. I traveled to India on the 19th of May for the Operation I had to undergo, the first week of my stay in the hospital was dedicated to numerous blood tests and I ended up undergoing three surgeries two of which were unplanned for. It just so happened that the ulcer I had been treating in Nigeria for over Six (6) months wasn't Ulcer at all but gallstones...so I had to undergo a surgery to clear my bile ducts (June 2nd)....and then two days later (June 4th on my Birthday) I went back to the theater to remove my gall bladder...and then six days later (June 10th) I had one hip replaced and another repaired.

Its been a painful Journey and I thank God for His Mercies upon my life. This is the worst experience I've had so far that was caused by Sickle Cell Anemia. Granted its not easy living with Sickle Cell Anemia on a daily basis, but its okay when you know the tricks of surviving it...but I never in my life thought it would ever throw me the blow of Avascular Necrosis, the disorder that came up last year that made me embark on this trip. Nevertheless I thank God for granting me the grace to be alive and for providing my parents with the financial resources to see this through. I'm back in Nigeria, Delta State...don't know when I'll go back to work (hopefully August) dont know if I still have the Job, because I had my doctor write to my office twice to explain to them about the delay since I had to undergo two extra unforeseen surgeries, they didnt reply him. I'm trying not to care too much about that...but rather concentrate on when I'll stop using the crutches, hopefully that would be end of this month.


Before I round up...a word of advise for anyone reading this with similar genes... Avascular Necrosis is becoming rampant amongst Sicklers, especially in Africa... you can do your best to avoid this by Drinking water like a fish...don't stay in one place for too long, have regular daily exercise and try as much as possible not to get Crisis of the bone... and then keep praying and keep happy.

Thanks to all those who checked in...as you can see I'm back, and I'm still standing.

I'll do blog rounds then come back and do a proper blog... so sorry for the long silence peeps. I hope there aren't any typos on this post...I'm watching Ghost (the one with Whoppi Goldberg) as I type...for about the hundredth time.

Kisses and Hugs


Nutty J

Its September....and I'm still standing

If not for Your goodness
If not for Your grace
I don't know where I would be today
If not for Your kindness
I never could say
I'm still standing

If not for Your mercy
If not for Your love
I most likely would have given up
If not for your favor
I never could say
I'm still standing
But by the grace of God



http://www.mp3lyrics.org/i/israel/still/


Happy New Month to you all....I'll put up a blog soon but let me go do my blog rounds. I'm sorry for the appearing and disappearing, so many many things happening... I haven't abandoned ship...I'm still standing and love you all


*blows kisses*



N'J

I'm walking away

My head knew it was over and it conveyed the message through my mouth via the telephone to my boyfriend. Now none of this went through my heart because for one reason or the other my heart couldnt come to terms with the fact that it was broken. That was Monday the 21st.

I remember him asking why I was acting up and this was not right and was it because of this or that or this etc etc...okay why dont we see and talk about it...could you please arrange a meeting lets talk? he asked. And I wondered how it is that I have to be the one to arrange a 'meeting' for us to see and talk about a break up? All my insistance that it doesnt matter if we see or not becos I wasnt changing my mind fell on deaf ears. Long story short I decided to meet him up somewhere to talk about it, besides I still had part of his bday gift I hadnt given him yet because the parcel was delayed. So I called off my other appointment for saturday and met up with boyfriend

''Baby I dont understand why you are acting up...what did I do, was it because of last week saturday...ok I'm sorry'

''...it wasnt becos of that, its just a mixture of a lot of things like I said and...''

'' Is there someone else'' he interrupts as if what I'm saying isnt worth hearing

'' There is no one else...and this is what I'm talking about, you wouldnt even listen when I talk'' I said a bit amused becos this is how our conversation always goes

...then we talked or rather I talked and he heard me but I knew he wasnt listening, he knows I still care for  him,and I really do but I know that love is not enough. I know he loves me... but I also know that he is emotionally unavailable, I know he would always have other options, I know with him I'll always be alone because what I find funny he finds ridiculous, what I find painful he finds hilarious  what I take seriously he takes for granted... and no matter how much I talk about these, he will never understand.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, but i dont think wanting to feel secure in love is too much to ask...and I have never felt that way with him. And I'm tired of wondering.

Does this make him bad? No it doesnt... it just means I'm not the girl he can do those things with. One day he will find that girl and do all the right things with her, he would pay her all the attention she needs, he would put her first, he would include her in his decision making, she will be one of his top priorities, he would listen to even her unspoken words and he would show her he loves her everyway he can...he would be honest with her...he wouldnt switch off his phones on weekends and public holidays, he would want to spend time with her even if he doesnt have the time, he would make out time...he would be concerned when she says she is ill, with her he would be able to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize without being asked to...he wouldnt make her feel she is being oversensitive when she calls him to his errors...he will make her feel she is enough for him and he wouldnt have a problem showing commitment to her. And that is just how life is. That's just the way it is

''Jay you mean alot to me...are you sure you have thought this through and you think this is the best conclusion?''

Would have sounded nicer than:

''If it makes you happy then no wories...I'll adjust to being without you, I just hope you know what you are doing and are not making a mistake''

It would have sounded better but at the point were I was, it wouldnt have made a difference...I have had enough. And as much as it hurts and breaks my heart to know that its over... I also know that nothing is worth being pushed away emotionally over and over again for...or being abused emotionally over and over again. Actually no one is worth losing my self esteem for, I've spent alot of time building myself to the me that is strong and secure and I wont allow one man tear my self confidence down and turn me into an insecure broad...enough is enough.

Sometimes Its okay to hit the disconnect/red button and that is what I did officially on Saturday the 26th Of June...

Will I miss him? Yes I would...he called me this morning on my way to the ofice saying:

''So for real you dont want to check up on me again? you didnt even call me through out yesterday...dont you know I miss you?''


I miss him too...but its going to be fine. That project is for another girl. And I wish her success. I'm through with following my heart...now I'm going to be leading my heart and it would follow me.


I'd rather be alone and ALONE...than have a partner and STILL be alone.








''Nutty how do you manage to just walk away...after all the time and energy you have invested...I mean how come its never difficult for you to pull the plug'' my friends have a way of asking.

Contrary to what they think its hard...its very hard walking away, especially this one...hell I purposely didnt get into any relationship for two years because I didnt want to make a mistake or get into one for the wrong reasons... but I know the truth, which is that, being with him isnt a healthy environment for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sometimes physically. So no matter how heart breaking it is, I can get out...after all the truth you know sets you free. and deep down we always know he truth... its accepting it that is the problem most times


If its the pain I feel...then its no problem, I'm no stranger to pain. No mater how much the pain lasts, its only going to be for a while.


I know its gonna be okay.


N'J

Embrace your pain.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about pains...

- Physical Pain

- Emotional Pain

- Pain of watching a dream not come to reality

- Pain of rejection

- Pain of failure

...any type of pain you can think of and I pause sometimes and think that its unfair. I'm a sweet girl. I do right by people. I love and give selflessly...I dont discriminate. I do right by man and I fulfil my moral obligations. So why do somethings not add up. Why do I have to suffer some form of pain or the other.


At those times I remember that God doesnt give us what we cannot bear... I remember his words in II Corinthians 12:9: And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.


Meaning I can take it...meaning we are strong enough to bear it. And I know its okay...knowing that humbles me and I know its going to be okay.

The thing is one day we will trade our pains for gains...but for now its okay to embrace pain. Pain could either be your friend or your enemy...so why not make it your friend, hold it close...allow it teach you, learn the lessons it brings...allow it humble you so that you will never forget He who saw you through and made His grace available to you. So that you wouldnt say '' I worked hard for what I have today''...instead you will say '' If it had not been for the Lord by my side...''


Your pain has made you what you are today...dont resent it, dont blame God, dont be embarrassed by it...dont feel bad when people reject you for it. Embrace your pain and allow it teach you. Then wait, watch and you will see.



N'J