Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Fear that Fear

Hi..its been a while. I've just been a tad lazy and been postponing blogging.

Anyways I had an interesting convo with a guy who has been asking me out for over a year now...and what struck me as odd was when he said:

''so i had to let you be you know...I couldn't stand the fact that I love you but you were loving someone else''

''How did u come to the conclusion that I was loving someone else'' I asked

''Wasn't it obvious... if you couldn't love me, then it means you love someone else''

Okay I don't really understand this and I'm not gonna try and imagine what he was thinking...my brain cells are just not functioning well this evening*. But it got me thinking questioning myself: would I willingly fold my hands and watch someone I love and want for a relationship go just because 'I guess' he is in love with someone else?

What happens to finding out and making sure first. The worse that can happen is a NO. Really if he had persisted I wouldn't have dated him for some reasons....now I'm single again I still wont date him for those same reasons. Come to think of it I met him the period when I wasn't even dating anyone.

Now that kind of laid back attitude in a man, I find very annoying. And it makes me think that such a one would have such an attitude in other areas of life. I'm not saying go on a 'snatching of boyfriend/girlfriend' spree... but how about you check to see if you can get what you want. What would you lose? I have heard too many 'NO' in my life to be afraid of rejection... I have seen too many 'could have'...' would have'...'should have' to be afraid to try...

Alot of people wanted me to wait and get another man before I left my relationship. I could have done that...but that is not me. I cannot use one man to forget another...its not just in me to do that, besides I dont use people like that and it would hurt me if I'm used to get over someone else. But most importantly I am not afraid to be alone.

Now my point is we all have our fears. Alot of people are afraid of a lot of things

- Rejection

- Being Alone

- Poverty

- Death

- Pain

- Confrontation

- etc

And its all good... I have my fears too. But the only way you can over come these fears is to put a name to your fear...when you name it you can defeat it. Dont tell me the reason you cant get that girl is because 'she is in a relationship' until she tells you to back off, you have no right to assume she is in a committed relationship. That is just your fear of rejection talking. Its the same fear of rejection that wont allow such a person apply for a promotion and would rather be in that unfulfilled position in the office when he knows he is better qualified.

Its the fear of being alone that makes young men and women suffer in silence in an abusive relationship because anything is better than being alone...call it as it is, dont say its because ''he has his moments''

One fear I have is of being a 'failure'...I recognize it creeping in when there are things I need to do and I'm not certain if I'll succeed or not and that stupid voice says:

Jay you don't need that...what chu wanna go doing that for

And I'll pause and think hell ya..why I wanna be risking that, its not like its a life and death thing

and so I make excuses and don't take the risk I should take...missing out on so many opportunities because I want a clean record of ''Nutty J doesn't fail'' BULLSHIT...not trying is failing on its own

It continued like this until I sat down to recognized what I was doing, how I was allowing fear keep me in a place called 'good enough'. The day it dawned on me was the day I put a face to my fears...and now I recognize it when it comes. I don't take stupid risks...but at least I'm no longer afraid to dare. It doesnt mean I have succeeded all the time, no I have failed sometimes...but at least now I can learn from the mistakes and get better. And I know on my death bed...some 60yrs from now...I will know that there was nothing I wanted that I didnt go for...If I fail, if I succeed at least I tried my best...I live as I believe and that is 'go ahead...you go ahead and dont stop'

Now I reserve my fears for healthy things to be afraid of like:

- God

- Living a reckless life

- Sleeping under the rain..lol

- Fear (yes ooo... I fear FEAR)

Anyways here is a quote I like by Dr Ben Carson:

Successful people dont have fewer problems. They have determined that nothing will stop them from going forward.

Still afraid?


* I wrote this yesterday evening.


  1. Hmmmm i don't know if you can say a guy not asking a girl he knows likes somebody else or is in a relationship however feeble it is because the person is afraid. I wouldn't do it because of respect, i don't want that happen to me, and i don't want any man to leave whoever he is talking to cos of me after i hinted at him that i wanted him...i think saying that is fear and comparing it to the other kind of fears might be wrong...But about all the different kind of fears and making sure that we handle it and not let it control our lives i agree.

  2. "I have heard too many 'NO' in my life to be afraid of rejection... I have seen too many 'could have'...' would have'...'should have' to be afraid to try..."

    WOOT... WOOT... you just pumped me up this morning gal! Like I am so motivated... indeed all you have to do it try. I think this is ur best post yet!

    thanks :)

  3. Neefemi: lol...that is exactly what my friends say when I tell them the same thing... thanks for contributing

    Mwajim: for real? hmmm...glad it spoke to you

  4. Well, here I am, late as usually,but maybe that's a good thang. Sometimes we get locked in conversations and others sit on the sidelines watching.

    But today, it looks like we are alone so I can speak openly and honestly (not that I would hold back anyway).

    I was surprised that you went deep on this one. Imo, "fear" is the kissing cousin to "lies", they both impede progress. In reference to the relationship game, I believe fear is the boogie man, but in your example(dude), I don't know if it was fear or respect or insecurity (which is fear). Then again, it could have been nothing more than weak game. You know, pick and poke around to see what you would do or say.

    But I agree, it's never wise, and it shows little class to shop for another mate, while your presently in a relationship. It's also a trap, because each person could be filling a void of the other person. ummmmm, is that clear?

    Well, one could be a great lover but a lazy slob. One could look good, but be a complete bore. Another person could be wild and funny but be a poor role model for the children, etc. Consequently, a person could find themselves wanting their cake and eating it too. You know, like building a mate from various parts.

    Anyway my Nutty Professor, be good. I see you are in good hands.

  5. *slapping myself! How I take miss this one? I havent read them yet oh, just slapping myself for now.

    Please how do you know when new blogs come in? All I do is just look randomly, but I need more..Is the a way to get notified? PLus how did you create this 'blogs that make sense' list? And does it notify you when people in there post new blogs? I NEED YA TIPS ASAP oh, that way I wont miss new blogs posted by my personal pelzons dem!

    Please holla before I slap am reach bone :(.
    Off to catch up


  6. Girly if you go to your dashbord and check out the people u are following...you'll see all those who updated recently. The key is to always view ur dashboard.

    Then for my fellow bloggers when make sense... when u re in ur dashbord...click on design. There are so many spaces to 'add gadget' that particular Gadget I used is 'blogroll'

    Click on add gadget and it wud show u the different gadgets u may like

  7. Finally read this, must say its very very well said. How would you know if you never tried?

    Another life lesson's dispatched by Nutty!

  8. Oh and thanks for the tips
    re: dashboard, ehn na but am following a lot of fellow addicts, erm, I mean dedicated bloggers, who write everyday (some every 30mins sef) I need to know how to differentiate some from the crowd..if you know what i mean sha


Say it as you mean it... I can take it