My head knew it was over and it conveyed the message through my mouth via the telephone to my boyfriend. Now none of this went through my heart because for one reason or the other my heart couldnt come to terms with the fact that it was broken. That was Monday the 21st.
I remember him asking why I was acting up and this was not right and was it because of this or that or this etc etc...okay why dont we see and talk about it...could you please arrange a meeting lets talk? he asked. And I wondered how it is that I have to be the one to arrange a 'meeting' for us to see and talk about a break up? All my insistance that it doesnt matter if we see or not becos I wasnt changing my mind fell on deaf ears. Long story short I decided to meet him up somewhere to talk about it, besides I still had part of his bday gift I hadnt given him yet because the parcel was delayed. So I called off my other appointment for saturday and met up with boyfriend
''Baby I dont understand why you are acting up...what did I do, was it because of last week saturday...ok I'm sorry'
''...it wasnt becos of that, its just a mixture of a lot of things like I said and...''
'' Is there someone else'' he interrupts as if what I'm saying isnt worth hearing
'' There is no one else...and this is what I'm talking about, you wouldnt even listen when I talk'' I said a bit amused becos this is how our conversation always goes
...then we talked or rather I talked and he heard me but I knew he wasnt listening, he knows I still care for him,and I really do but I know that love is not enough. I know he loves me... but I also know that he is emotionally unavailable, I know he would always have other options, I know with him I'll always be alone because what I find funny he finds ridiculous, what I find painful he finds hilarious what I take seriously he takes for granted... and no matter how much I talk about these, he will never understand.
Maybe I'm asking for too much, but i dont think wanting to feel secure in love is too much to ask...and I have never felt that way with him. And I'm tired of wondering.
Does this make him bad? No it doesnt... it just means I'm not the girl he can do those things with. One day he will find that girl and do all the right things with her, he would pay her all the attention she needs, he would put her first, he would include her in his decision making, she will be one of his top priorities, he would listen to even her unspoken words and he would show her he loves her everyway he can...he would be honest with her...he wouldnt switch off his phones on weekends and public holidays, he would want to spend time with her even if he doesnt have the time, he would make out time...he would be concerned when she says she is ill, with her he would be able to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize without being asked to...he wouldnt make her feel she is being oversensitive when she calls him to his errors...he will make her feel she is enough for him and he wouldnt have a problem showing commitment to her. And that is just how life is. That's just the way it is
''Jay you mean alot to me...are you sure you have thought this through and you think this is the best conclusion?''
Would have sounded nicer than:
''If it makes you happy then no wories...I'll adjust to being without you, I just hope you know what you are doing and are not making a mistake''
It would have sounded better but at the point were I was, it wouldnt have made a difference...I have had enough. And as much as it hurts and breaks my heart to know that its over... I also know that nothing is worth being pushed away emotionally over and over again for...or being abused emotionally over and over again. Actually no one is worth losing my self esteem for, I've spent alot of time building myself to the me that is strong and secure and I wont allow one man tear my self confidence down and turn me into an insecure broad...enough is enough.
Sometimes Its okay to hit the disconnect/red button and that is what I did officially on Saturday the 26th Of June...
Will I miss him? Yes I would...he called me this morning on my way to the ofice saying:
''So for real you dont want to check up on me again? you didnt even call me through out yesterday...dont you know I miss you?''
I miss him too...but its going to be fine. That project is for another girl. And I wish her success. I'm through with following my heart...now I'm going to be leading my heart and it would follow me.
I'd rather be alone and ALONE...than have a partner and STILL be alone.
''Nutty how do you manage to just walk away...after all the time and energy you have invested...I mean how come its never difficult for you to pull the plug'' my friends have a way of asking.
Contrary to what they think its hard...its very hard walking away, especially this one...hell I purposely didnt get into any relationship for two years because I didnt want to make a mistake or get into one for the wrong reasons... but I know the truth, which is that, being with him isnt a healthy environment for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sometimes physically. So no matter how heart breaking it is, I can get out...after all the truth you know sets you free. and deep down we always know he truth... its accepting it that is the problem most times
If its the pain I feel...then its no problem, I'm no stranger to pain. No mater how much the pain lasts, its only going to be for a while.
I know its gonna be okay.