2013 Resolution...Moving Forward

res·o·lu·tion  (rz-lshn)

n.

1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.

2. A resolving to do something.

3. A course of action determined or decided on.

There's this song that comes to my head, its by Hezekiah Walker and it's titled 'Moving Forward'. so many people are stuck in the past...or should I say, that the mistakes of their past haunts them and bites them in the arse. Some times it makes you feel unworthy of the good things life is throwing your way and so you throw them out right back at life...at other times you look back and cringe and say 'I can't believe I was so stupid'. It gets worse when you have one or two people around you whose actions towards you emphasize that they think you are not good enough, that you've messed up in time past and you will mess up again...no good thing can come out of you.

My dear...MOVE AHEAD. See if you don't believe any other thing you need to believe what the bible says '...Old things are passed away and behold all things are made new'  Do not allow anyone including the devil rob you of who you are meant to be. Your past is over in Christ...all things are made new!!  Move forward...no one will move you forward unless you agree to move yourself. Break those friendships that drag you back, they are unhealthy...those friends feel comfortable waving your mistakes over your head because that is how they feel better about their own-selves. You need to separate yourself from those negative people/things that take you back.You owe it to yourself to fulfill destiny, and men and women of great destiny are not those who are timid, ashamed or afraid to come boldly to God, because of one thing or the other. 

So when I thought about my resolutions this year and what they would be, I couldn't think about anything else but Moving Forward in Christ and in life. It doesn't matter who has to go in the process. It doesn't matter the discomfort I have to feel in the process. I have to settle it once and for all that my life is in God's hands, not in man's opinion, thus I should be living it to please God and fulfill the purpose for which He has created me. 

Let me remind you...'...he that the son sets free, is free indeed'  If God has set you free, begin to walk in that freedom. If you remain stuck in your 'coulda, woulda and shouldas' its all on you.  

Think about it...

Nutty Jay

Angel

He called me on the 16th to tell me he was traveling to the UK on the 18th to do his masters program.

"yippee, ya baby now thats what I'm talking about!!!'' Was my first reaction. I was happy...but then I thought

''huh? what did you say?''

''hmmm...sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't even know myself, mumsi has been doing everything on my behalf, i just found out yesterday''

yea right...believe that Nutty and you believe any and everything

''So what are u saying...when will u come back...how do I call u, bla bla bla'' I asked...fidgeting with the phone and thankful he couldn't see the worry in my eyes

''hmmm...that's the thing, when I'm thru i'm gonna work here and its gonna be a long time say 10yrs and I cant tell you to pause ur life for me yada yada yada''

''huh?''

*************************************************************

That was October 2006... I must have said a lot of 'huh?' that evening when we talked on phone. I was worried. My boyfriend was sounding distant...who goes to the UK for masters without knowing before hand? Two days before the day nia you dey tell me? And he knows we are in different towns....And who says I have to wait here in Nigeria for you...before that ten years what would stop me from coming over to the UK... deep down I knew it was total BS.

One month later...he tells me he had been cheating on me for 8months prior to that phone call and that he couldn't tell me cos he knows we had shared a lot and that he knows me well to know that I would kill him if he told me when he was in Nigeria...etc. I asked him who the lucky girl was... he said it was Ngozi*. I was pissed. this same girl he swore there was nothing between them, that they were just friends. I believed him...becos there is no man like my Angel...I called him Angel for 3yrs. He was good and I never deserved him. If I say a man is good...then he is good.

We shared everything...I was always honest with him, even when I broke up with him once and he wanted to know why, i told him its because I'd cheated on him and I couldn't stand the fact that I had done that to him. He forgave me...or so he said, he wanted me back...and contrary to everything my common sense told me, We got back together. But that space in which we were separated, Ngozi* had found her way in. And eight months later...I was out. Maybe I shouldnt have told him the truth of my foolishness...or maybe I should have known better. But I thought love was about being honest about ur mistakes


I hurt for months...but I forgave him, I lost that love but we wouldn't have survived without keeping the friendship we had. So months later we were friends... I jokinly told him ''If una break up...I wud tell vanguard, guardian and punch oooo, i go laugh una''

And he would say ''Nutty... we wont break up I love her...but I have always regretted the day I broke up with you. No one be like you, I wish we could turn back time''

If it was another guy....i'd have shrugged it off and said 'scam...sharrrappp there''....but Angel is a different kind of man...and I have never stopped loving him.


That was why when he called me this evening to tell me he broke up with Ngozi* after 4yrs of dating...my heart ached with him...I felt his pain, once again I wished I could cry. Because I know with how much force Angel loves when he loves...this was one man who knew now to commit. Yes he fucked up with me...but guess what I fucked up first, I never made him feel appreciated...I didn't know jack shit about how to love another person like myself and he was always patient with me...loved me without expecting much in return. I could feel his pain over the phone this evening when he said:

''Nutty I don tire for this love thing...if you know just how much I feel pained, she doesn't love me no more and I cant continue forcing it''

I thought I was going to say it in vanguard newspaper: Ngozi* and Angel broke up!!

Dammit I told him i was gonna laugh in their face...and tell the story in Punch and Guardian newspaper if this happened. But now all I can do is tell him to be strong...and that he will be fine. And that time takes care of it.

He is my friend...the only man who had ever loved me and made me feel secure in his love, till now, no man had come close to treating me as well as he did. And till today I regret not handling what we had better...I regret taking his love for granted then, thinking it would always be there despite my rubbish

She is not my friend...she was the friend of my love...then she became the girlfriend of my love, now she is his ex. And I feel sorry for her...I regret on her behalf. Because if she had left for stupid reasons...she will regret. He is her first serious boyfriend, thus she doesn't really know just how hard it is to get a man like him.

What is wrong with us women?




N'J