Friday, November 7, 2014

Empathy- If you can't give it, FAKE IT!!!


EMPATHY: Can simply be defined as understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes.

I don't know if I should call it a skill or an attribute or whatever, but I know people who eventually become great leaders have this quality in abundance, they empathize with others... they relate to people's suffering or pain and share in it, because they can relate based on personal experience, or just the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes .  It is an ability to recognize the concerns other people have

 It allows us to create bonds of trust, it gives us insights into what others may be feeling or thinking; it helps us understand how or why others are reacting to situations.




I'll show you clearly what I mean with the following illustration:

When a friend calls you full of pain and hurt and disappointment over the latest disappointment in their life and you can visibly and audibly hear the pain in their words and you say something like: 

You:  Wow! na wa o...don't worry dear. You may have to just let that go. I feel your pains
Disappointed Friend: Thank you
You: You are welcome dear. I can imagine how you  feel pissed at the Naija system. It's very annoying
Disappointed Friend: I'm trying to process this shit, so I can excuse it, its so hard mehnnn. I had targets on when I wanted to get this done. I hate this
You: Naija! It is well. Sorry about this. Take it easy. Mehnnnn What will happen now?

Your side of the conversation above can be said to have been emphatizing with the person . You are relating to the pain the person is feeling. 



Now here is how the conversation can also go:

You: Pray about it, something can still happen
Disappointed Friend: It's no use... I've heard from both sides, nothing can be done
You; Wow! Don't worry it's not a waste of time. Just channel your energy into something else. 
Disappointed Friend: It's fine. Okay
You: Yea take a chill pill and suck it in
Disappointed Friend: Leave me alone
You: Can't do that, we are in this together. it's the situation we find ourselves in...if we can't do anything about it we look for other options. yes time is no friend to anyone...feeling bad and sulking won't change anything. Therefore we pick ourselves up and roll with plan B. It's life
Disappointed Friend: I know you mean well... but your words, this is not the time for it
You: Sorry, I don't know how to be soft, it's the reality. If you do this again in August, it doesn't make you less professional than the next person. Pick up the next plan on your list and move ahead. 

Your side of the conversation above cannot be said to have any iota of empathy or even sympathy... as a matter of fact you have just sounded very selfish and full of yourself, you've made the episode about yourself and your opinion! Because you see, there is a time and a season for everything, including your opinion!!!! Keep your opinions for a later time when the person is not so heartbroken or near tears or disappointed. Keep it for the next brain storming session you both have.

Your opinion is a good one no doubt...but you sound like an asshole when you don't know exactly when to shut the hell up!!! Don't dismiss their concerns offhand. Don't rush to give advice. Don't change the subject. Allow people their moment!!!


Phew! Can you relate?



Nutty Jay

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Efe & Tochi- To love again

Efe was raised in Nigeria, schooled in UNIBEN, worked with SAIPEM Lagos, handsome, God fearing, hard working, focused young man. After his second year with SAIPEM he met Tochi, a student of Convenant university, pursued her, and soon after started dating her. She was in 300 Level.

Efe was in love, and when he is in love he is in love. He is not the type to womanize, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. He did all the things a boyfriend would do financially, morally, sexually, etc for his girl. They dated till she graduated, served, and after her service she went to Canada to pursue a Masters degree. Efe supported this move, because he is an over achiever himself and he encourages anything that makes those associated with him progress. So she went and  from Nigeria he did everything possible to support her, kept the conversation going, sends money in hard currency to cater for some things she wanted...monthly basis. Never stopped calling, got a visa and was to travel to visit her on his next leave.

Long story short, over a silly quarrel on phone she called off the relationship, did not agree to all his plea, plus the plea by his family member. She left him. She damaged him emotionally for his next girlfriend and the next. He was never the same again emotionally.

A year six months  later he quit his job, got admission into a university in Singapore to study for his masters

Six months into his study (thats like two years after the break up) she's been calling and begging to come back, she's sorry...truely sorry and wants a chance. Her family has been calling to beg too, he said it's not possible because he feels nothing any longer for her. She asked to come see him...after much persuasion he agreed and she has travelled down to his country and has been there for a week now. She stays in a hotel, he visits her, takes her out, hasn't shagged or kissed her so that he doesn't give her false hope.


The following conversation took place today:

Me: So how are you guys now, emotionally

Him: We are good I guess. She wants to come back visiting in February (this visit is from Canada to Singapore)

Me: You...how are you in it

Him: Just normal, but we talk better now

Me: You think there is hope for you both?

Him: Honestly can't say for now, we are good friends with mutual respect...but I think she is truely sorry, however I am a tough nut. Maybe in the future her genuiness will be proven, but at the moment, nothing

Me: It doesn't work like that dear
Me: You are making it sound like a business deal... I'll give you two options how it goes in real life, you can pick one

Scenerio 1: 'I like her, and if she is really sorry about what went down in the past, then I would give this a try, because I'm sure I will love her again. So lets see how it goes'

Scenario 2: I like her, and she's really sorry about what went down in the past, but nah... I don't want to be with her anymore. it doesn't matter...all I can give her now or ever is just friendship 

Me: Do you get? it is not a function of how sorry or not she is, or if she is genuine or not. It is a function of you and what you want and are willing to risk for it. If not you will always be close to the exit door, always watching and waiting to see if she will slip again. And that's not right

Him: I like her no doubt, but we will be better as friends

Me: Then don't keep hope alive, If you encourage her to come back in February, you are keeping hope alive

Him: Her decision, not mine

Me: Efe, please be reasonable, this is your decision. Stand in her shoes, not everyone is as emotionally stable as you, or practical

Him: Well I tried discouraging her from coming back, she said she likes singapore and spending two weeks in february isn't a bad idea. Its her call

Me: You should have experience by now that girls talk alot of things but mean something else entirely

Him: At this point I can't influence her decision, I honestly I have spoken to her about it. 

Me: Think about it, if you are not in Singapore in February, will she come? It's not about Singapore, its you she is coming to see you

Him: Well I know, she is trying to work her way back, if she comes and remains disappointed I'm sure she will give up

Me: Is there a way back? If there is a way back no problem, let her try. But if there is no way back, save her the agony. Stop it Efe, what is wrong with you.

Him: Make we leave Tochi matter, its not an issue to deliberate on

Me: Not my issue to deliberate on...because really you might be saying one thing and feel something else that you are not acknowledging. So while I'm here worrying about her, she may have sensed a promise for the future and won't be disappointed after all. Your life, her life..totally not my business.


Question

1. What the heck is he doing? Is he really going to let her keep travelling up and down to try and salvage the situation, making her hope something will come of her endeavours especially since he knows theres no way they will ever have happily ever after? Isn't that wickedness somehow?

2. Is he just putting up a front and saying one thing whereas he feels another thing? And maybe he secretly  hopes they work out.


I used to think I understood how guys think and do their stuff....but this is totally out of my league. Maybe because Efe has never been like the regular guys out there, he isn't all about sex and the next available girl. He is very straight forward and go gets whatever he wants...so I can't understand what he is doing. I hate to think he is being wicked on purpose...deliberately leading her on.

So maybe it's a guy thing and someone can make me understand better... I can't rest joor... he's my favourite person and I don't want to think he is being callous

What do you guys think...




Friday, October 24, 2014

Scandal- What the hell?

I don't understand what Shonda RHIMES hopes to achieve by the twists and turns in Scandal and what exactly is her opinion of us the viewers.

Today I watched Episode 5 Season 4... yeah I know, stealing company's time, watching a movie while acting like I'm working.  It happens sometimes

But I'm so upset. Who the hell does Commander think he is to mess people's life like he does? Infact I'm tired of these sick characters in the movie:

Olivia POPE: Stupid black girl in love with a man she will never have, the cause of every single thing that has gone wrong in the life of every single person in that movie. Deceived time and time again by her father, and yet will not learn that he is a monster. Endangering the life of those she cares about because she can't see past her stupid love for Fitz. Serious Daddy issues she has...

President FITZ:  The biggest fool of all

Jake BALLARD: In love with a woman that cannot seem to stop loving a man she can never be with. Endangering his life trying to 'save' her from herself... Aproko that won't just leave things alone. Happy to be second in Olivia's heart. He gets an opportunity to tell the president everything during the interrogation but instead of just talking and spilling everything whether the president wan hear or not, he dey taunt the man about him having sex with Olivia on the Island. The fool deserves to die for even daring to threaten Commander.

Commander:  Ha... Commander who also happens to be Olivia's father is the only one who seems to know what he is doing!!! Wicked as ever, winning the election for the president because it's what Olivia wants, but killing the President's son to achieve it... then blaming Jake for it. After he had blamed Olivia's mother for it. Old evil calculating son o a... arghhhh

Millie:  Madam First Lady, nothing more. Jealous of Olivia...still


Shonda RHIMES, come on... I'm beginning to feel foolish watching Scandal, it's becoming more annonying than intriguing. It started out being intriguing...now it's getting too obvious and annoying. Your characters have too much sense to be doing the things you are making them do in Season 4. BALLARD isn't a fool, you are making him seem like one. Olivia isn't a fool, she fixes problems and so she knows always when things don't add up...but apparently she's believing her father's lies. You are distorting the Olivia we all know and love and turning her into a senseless woman too blinded by love to fix things.

Stop insulting our intelligence... or kuku round up the movie if you don tire to think. And why the hell is Cyrus sleeping with a prostitute, and Abby the Abby who was Olivia's right hand, who knew how to get things done when she was a gladiator, why have you made Abby seem like a fish swimming in the sea of the White House, starry eyed, grateful  if the president passes her a compliment and running around like a chicken wanting to be like Olivia. Abby??? Oh come on *groans in pain* 

Hain!!!

Mscheew




Thursday, October 2, 2014

The pursuit of money!!!!

Ah ha! Money. Let's talk about money. So I was sitting still the other day, on monday I think, viewing my account statement for September and it struck me like lightening that the only inflow I had for the entire month was the salary inflow. The same happened in August.... no daddy deposit, no mummy deposit, no sugar/honey deposit, no friend or family deposit, no enemy deposits sef...and I literarily felt like crying. I used to have people just credit my account for no reason sometimes...they tell me to just take for fine-girl-up-keep. Now for two months no 'dash'. I couldn't risk checking July statement for fear that it's the same. 


I began to think of other avenues to make money. This waking up 4pm because of work thingy isn't something I want to still be doing when I'm in my 40s nah...and I got thinking, and was thinking hard (yea I try to make sure I squeeze at least 30mins everyday to shut every noise and just think, one hour at most) and it hit me that I am not very business inclined. I am more of a structured environment/office kinda work girl. This is a worrisome thing to know because shouldn't we all aspire to have businesses on the side? The irritating question I get asked often when I wonder aloud about this is: 'JAY What do you like doing'?

Seriously? What sort of question is that... okay I like:

1. Eating
2. I like writing
3. I like the guy of the moment
4. I like fixing people's work issues
5. I like teaching/mentoring  (What I know though about work related stuff)
6. I like cake
7. I like driving
8. I like fast cars
9. I like gazing at fine men
10. I like gazing at fine ladies
11. I like organizing other people's life
12. I like helping people find solution to their issues


Mind you that list is in no particular order

But the question is how the heck am I supposed to start a business with any of these likes???  And then I get confused, and I stop thinking, and then I allow my mind wander away from my confused thoughts and turn them towards the 8am- 6pm job...that I get to the office at 6:15am for and get home by 9pm sometimes 10pm if the road is experiencing major traffic , and I thank God that I have a better job than the last job where they enjoy owing staff salary, and refuse to pay vendors too (May God forgive my ex employers) 

But I don't know mehnnnnn.... I really need another source of income. I'm at that age where I need multiple streams of income. 


Happy Belated Independence Day


Nutty Jay



Tuesday, June 24, 2014

SUPERMAN IS THE SUPER HERO- NOT SUPER WOMAN

Today I am sleepy, I have been sleepy since I woke up, I am not working at normal capacity today because my body, mind and spirit has done nothing else except think of sleep of day. I'm practically fighting to stay awake.  On days like this I thank God I am a super woman with super powers.

Now why is my body screaming for sleep? Its because I tend to forget that even superwoman is first and foremost a woman, she's human and she  is made up of flesh and blood. So I joyfully wake up 4am, leave the house 5:30am drive to work in an hours traffic, leave the office 8pm drive back in 2 hours traffic; get home 10pm, chat chat chat and chat on BBM with different people and skype when I can with Australia, then sleep like 11:30pm or 12midnight...to wake again by 4am

Is this wise? NO

Is this profitable? Dunno

Do I do this everyday? Mostly

Do I think I can do it all? YES

Who do I think I am? Superwoman




You know that thing that makes you feel you can do everything and anything and you have the strength to also take on other people's worries for them, add it to yours and help them worry and fix their issues, and still go about doing all your own stuff? I don't know the name for it, but I know that's the thing that makes you a mother of all but a friend of none. The burden bearer, the sabi sabi that people only remember when they have issues and after you have sorted it out for them they go about their merry lives and forget you while you get sucked in to the next problem to fix...thus you are always busy, never have the time to just chill with normal people, people without issues avoid you because guess what? you can't even talk normal and this is due to the fact that you always have a superior or better opinion about everything even in a playful conversation. You try to fix everyone and anyone you meet... We know people like this right? Irritating and very annoying people!!! For heaven's sake your opinion is not always needed....arggggghhhhhh shut up 


NUTTY JAY will you allow yourself become like this? Heck NO 

You sure? I'm sure

There really is nothing wrong in being a damsel in distress once in a while you know?  You are so right

Why didn't I think of that 



Merci Beaucoup