Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Randoms/Purpose

Its been ages!!!! I think the last time I blogged (here) was 2-3 months ago???

I know what the problem is... it's not writer's block, because I have been writing on other platforms randomly...so yes I can still write thank you. I think the problem is that this blog has fulfilled the purpose for which it  was created in the first place.

I was in a dark place and since the only way I'd ever known how to find release/light  was through writing, I decided to find a place where all my worries/issues could be highlighted without fear of criticism or nosey people calling me to 'explain' what I meant, like I was getting from facebook friends whenever I wrote a 'note' on facebook.

This blog helped me alot to talk about things annoymously that normally I wouldn't tell anyone. After all I am that friend that has her sh*t together, the one who always had the sound advice for everyone else with issues, no no no far be it from me to spoil that illusion they had that I was cool, calm and collected like that...far be it from me to have issues of my own...as a matter of fact whenever I tried to bring up an issue, it was usually laughed off like 'this one no serious, it's not true...eh en as we were saying...'

Anyways, Nutty Jay's World helped me alot (2010,2011,2012,2013), not only could I freely talk about my opinions, ideas, struggles, annoyance etc, I could also talk about the past of way way back and lessons I've learnt.

But  '...there's a time and season for everything'. This blog has served it's purpose, and I think that's why I'm struggling to write here these days. I've done alot of growing up and I no longer have reasons to talk about the things I want to talk about anonymously. These days the things I want to write about are not consistent with the original plan and purpose for which this blog was created... it restrains the flow. Nowadays I just do random posting on my facebook notes, other people's blog, facebook pages etc. I plan on opening another blog, or a website (still don't know how to go about the website thing)...but it's still a plan.

Talking about purpose, do you know what yours is? If a common blog had a purpose and has served it's purpose, I'm sure you know you have to find out why you were created to be on this earth, born into the family you were born into, why you are currently where you are now, and what you should be doing per time.




In a totally unrelated issue, I just want to say folks that life is beautiful...yes it is complex, complicated, fun, painful, glorious, joyful, a struggle sometimes but simply beautiful. All the different aspect of life are inter-woven to bring us all to an expected end. So why do we hold on so fiercely to the past? Your mistakes, your heartbreaks, your 'could have been', 'should have been' and 'I wish it went like so' moments? Why do we try to figure things out that we would never get answers to, why do we spend time hoping and wishing  for a second chance to make things right, or maybe this time you will do things differently that will make them treat you right-er than they did before?

People of God there are no second chances in the past.... today is your second chance, tomorrow is your second chance. Don't spend today wishing you did things differently yesterday, because then you will spend tomorrow wishing you had done things differently today. Stop trying to build what God is trying to kill...when you've done all you can and prayed all you can, leave it and move on...we all know when to let go, we just keep deceiving ourselves. Find your purpose in life and pursue it till you fulfill it

God wants to give you beauty for ashes... but you must first give up the ashes, let go of the ashes, stop beating yourself over things you can not change. You cannot receive the beauty if you insist on holding on to the ashes.

Learn from the past, but let go of the past. Do better today, not because you are trying to compensate for yesterday...but because it is the right thing to do.


See you later

Nutty Jay


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Saving it for later?

I'm expecting my salary any time soon, and as practical as I am I have done a break down of what and what are already placing demands on the yet to be received salary for this month.

At the end of the calculation I see that there is almost nothing gen gen  remaining. Mind you I have not deducted the underlisted bills:

- Hair do for March
- Nail do for March 
- Washer man bill for February
- Recharge card to use in March 
- Data Bundle Renewal for March (Note that I didn't renew for February)
- Movie nights


The above listed things are very important to me, they seem inconsequential but they are important to keeping me sane(r)

Now why am I saying all these, I had a discussion with a friend recently, a financial guru and after the discussion I felt like I wasn't saving enough for the future or for the good things I could be obtaining in life. I do save mind you, but he made a case that at least 40% of my salary should be saved and I was like: GERROUT OF HERE. I even tried explaining that saving up to 30% was easy for me one time when I had a boyfriend but not so easy these days but he wasn't buying all that.



So I got thinking, is it so easy for people to save 40% of their salary...I mean people without another source of income, or support from family or partner/spouse/etc.

Don't they pay tithe, don't they buy fuel, don't they give offerings, don't they make their hair, don't they buy food stuff and provisions, don't they use gas, don't they give to family members when the need arises, don't they run generator, don't they buy gifts etc... and it doesn't even matter how much they are earning because the more money you earn the more bills you incur since your level of living improves, don't they have fees to pay doesn't matter if its a school fee for self or a course in church or a professional course

So is it just me, or is 40% actually doable? without being stingy and miserly.

Is your salary  enough to live a stable balanced life and still have good money saved up in a bank??



Friday, January 2, 2015

2015...What NOT to do

2015...

Everyone is writing out their new year resolution and 'to do' list and all the motivation that comes in the new year.  Me???? I am mentally writing out my 'not to do list'

We have been taught to count our blessings and name them. Trust me that is one of the best things to do...it gives you a lot to be thankful for. But now let's try a little exercise: Count your pains and name them one by one. Write it out and make it plain. Enough of sweeping everything under the carpet. ...it's good to forgive and forget....However if you don't sit down to access what went wrong to cause you such pain in the first place,  you'll make the same mistakes again and again and the circle of pain will continue endlessly.

I never had the intention of having a 'not-to-do' list...until yesterday when a friend I thought I knew, someone I trusted more than anything taught me a lesson I should have learnt 8 years ago if I had taken time to sit and access the situation and put measures in place.

Fool me once...shame on you. I make the same mistake twice shame on me.


So what am I not doing this year?

1. I am not trusting anyone just because my heart says so. People lie

2. I am not ignoring any hunch I have ever ever again. My hunches are right

3. I'm not going the extra mile for anyone who hasn't and isn't continously going the extra mile for me.

4. I am not going to put a halt in my plans in the pursuit of happiness just because others have a contrary opinion. If it pleases God and it pleases me then I'm doing it

5. I am not going to judge others for being overly careful before making decisions. ...they have learnt this lesson I'm just learning

6. I ain't spending my money on anything that won't bring returns.  I work hard for this money

7. I'm not compromising on my spiritual standards. God is love and He's the only true friend.

8. I'm not compromising on healthy living for anyone, anything and not even for money. God did not bring me this far for me to throw away my health

9. I will not take a backseat this year... I'm so going to wield a lot of influence in every area of my life. When decisions that Wil affect me or others are being made, my voice will be amongst those that will be heard and taken seriously.

10. I'll not be content. This one is subject to your interpretation and anyone you come up with, you are right

11. I will not spice chicken or cook with any ingredient I don't know...just because my aunt recommends it....that ish can mess your kitchen cred big time

12. I will not make out time for anything or anyone that's not making me better or making me money. Forget about making me happy....happiness is overrated. Its what we use in confusing ourselves. That it makes you happy doesnt mean it makes you better. I'm destined for greatness.    


So dear all, as I wish you Happy New Year and pray for More ink to your pens, do tell...what will you NOT DO this year.


Nutty Jay

Friday, November 7, 2014

Empathy- If you can't give it, FAKE IT!!!


EMPATHY: Can simply be defined as understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes.

I don't know if I should call it a skill or an attribute or whatever, but I know people who eventually become great leaders have this quality in abundance, they empathize with others... they relate to people's suffering or pain and share in it, because they can relate based on personal experience, or just the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes .  It is an ability to recognize the concerns other people have

 It allows us to create bonds of trust, it gives us insights into what others may be feeling or thinking; it helps us understand how or why others are reacting to situations.




I'll show you clearly what I mean with the following illustration:

When a friend calls you full of pain and hurt and disappointment over the latest disappointment in their life and you can visibly and audibly hear the pain in their words and you say something like: 

You:  Wow! na wa o...don't worry dear. You may have to just let that go. I feel your pains
Disappointed Friend: Thank you
You: You are welcome dear. I can imagine how you  feel pissed at the Naija system. It's very annoying
Disappointed Friend: I'm trying to process this shit, so I can excuse it, its so hard mehnnn. I had targets on when I wanted to get this done. I hate this
You: Naija! It is well. Sorry about this. Take it easy. Mehnnnn What will happen now?

Your side of the conversation above can be said to have been emphatizing with the person . You are relating to the pain the person is feeling. 



Now here is how the conversation can also go:

You: Pray about it, something can still happen
Disappointed Friend: It's no use... I've heard from both sides, nothing can be done
You; Wow! Don't worry it's not a waste of time. Just channel your energy into something else. 
Disappointed Friend: It's fine. Okay
You: Yea take a chill pill and suck it in
Disappointed Friend: Leave me alone
You: Can't do that, we are in this together. it's the situation we find ourselves in...if we can't do anything about it we look for other options. yes time is no friend to anyone...feeling bad and sulking won't change anything. Therefore we pick ourselves up and roll with plan B. It's life
Disappointed Friend: I know you mean well... but your words, this is not the time for it
You: Sorry, I don't know how to be soft, it's the reality. If you do this again in August, it doesn't make you less professional than the next person. Pick up the next plan on your list and move ahead. 

Your side of the conversation above cannot be said to have any iota of empathy or even sympathy... as a matter of fact you have just sounded very selfish and full of yourself, you've made the episode about yourself and your opinion! Because you see, there is a time and a season for everything, including your opinion!!!! Keep your opinions for a later time when the person is not so heartbroken or near tears or disappointed. Keep it for the next brain storming session you both have.

Your opinion is a good one no doubt...but you sound like an asshole when you don't know exactly when to shut the hell up!!! Don't dismiss their concerns offhand. Don't rush to give advice. Don't change the subject. Allow people their moment!!!


Phew! Can you relate?



Nutty Jay

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Efe & Tochi- To love again

Efe was raised in Nigeria, schooled in UNIBEN, worked with SAIPEM Lagos, handsome, God fearing, hard working, focused young man. After his second year with SAIPEM he met Tochi, a student of Convenant university, pursued her, and soon after started dating her. She was in 300 Level.

Efe was in love, and when he is in love he is in love. He is not the type to womanize, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. He did all the things a boyfriend would do financially, morally, sexually, etc for his girl. They dated till she graduated, served, and after her service she went to Canada to pursue a Masters degree. Efe supported this move, because he is an over achiever himself and he encourages anything that makes those associated with him progress. So she went and  from Nigeria he did everything possible to support her, kept the conversation going, sends money in hard currency to cater for some things she wanted...monthly basis. Never stopped calling, got a visa and was to travel to visit her on his next leave.

Long story short, over a silly quarrel on phone she called off the relationship, did not agree to all his plea, plus the plea by his family member. She left him. She damaged him emotionally for his next girlfriend and the next. He was never the same again emotionally.

A year six months  later he quit his job, got admission into a university in Singapore to study for his masters

Six months into his study (thats like two years after the break up) she's been calling and begging to come back, she's sorry...truely sorry and wants a chance. Her family has been calling to beg too, he said it's not possible because he feels nothing any longer for her. She asked to come see him...after much persuasion he agreed and she has travelled down to his country and has been there for a week now. She stays in a hotel, he visits her, takes her out, hasn't shagged or kissed her so that he doesn't give her false hope.


The following conversation took place today:

Me: So how are you guys now, emotionally

Him: We are good I guess. She wants to come back visiting in February (this visit is from Canada to Singapore)

Me: You...how are you in it

Him: Just normal, but we talk better now

Me: You think there is hope for you both?

Him: Honestly can't say for now, we are good friends with mutual respect...but I think she is truely sorry, however I am a tough nut. Maybe in the future her genuiness will be proven, but at the moment, nothing

Me: It doesn't work like that dear
Me: You are making it sound like a business deal... I'll give you two options how it goes in real life, you can pick one

Scenerio 1: 'I like her, and if she is really sorry about what went down in the past, then I would give this a try, because I'm sure I will love her again. So lets see how it goes'

Scenario 2: I like her, and she's really sorry about what went down in the past, but nah... I don't want to be with her anymore. it doesn't matter...all I can give her now or ever is just friendship 

Me: Do you get? it is not a function of how sorry or not she is, or if she is genuine or not. It is a function of you and what you want and are willing to risk for it. If not you will always be close to the exit door, always watching and waiting to see if she will slip again. And that's not right

Him: I like her no doubt, but we will be better as friends

Me: Then don't keep hope alive, If you encourage her to come back in February, you are keeping hope alive

Him: Her decision, not mine

Me: Efe, please be reasonable, this is your decision. Stand in her shoes, not everyone is as emotionally stable as you, or practical

Him: Well I tried discouraging her from coming back, she said she likes singapore and spending two weeks in february isn't a bad idea. Its her call

Me: You should have experience by now that girls talk alot of things but mean something else entirely

Him: At this point I can't influence her decision, I honestly I have spoken to her about it. 

Me: Think about it, if you are not in Singapore in February, will she come? It's not about Singapore, its you she is coming to see you

Him: Well I know, she is trying to work her way back, if she comes and remains disappointed I'm sure she will give up

Me: Is there a way back? If there is a way back no problem, let her try. But if there is no way back, save her the agony. Stop it Efe, what is wrong with you.

Him: Make we leave Tochi matter, its not an issue to deliberate on

Me: Not my issue to deliberate on...because really you might be saying one thing and feel something else that you are not acknowledging. So while I'm here worrying about her, she may have sensed a promise for the future and won't be disappointed after all. Your life, her life..totally not my business.


Question

1. What the heck is he doing? Is he really going to let her keep travelling up and down to try and salvage the situation, making her hope something will come of her endeavours especially since he knows theres no way they will ever have happily ever after? Isn't that wickedness somehow?

2. Is he just putting up a front and saying one thing whereas he feels another thing? And maybe he secretly  hopes they work out.


I used to think I understood how guys think and do their stuff....but this is totally out of my league. Maybe because Efe has never been like the regular guys out there, he isn't all about sex and the next available girl. He is very straight forward and go gets whatever he wants...so I can't understand what he is doing. I hate to think he is being wicked on purpose...deliberately leading her on.

So maybe it's a guy thing and someone can make me understand better... I can't rest joor... he's my favourite person and I don't want to think he is being callous

What do you guys think...