How Do I Handle This....

August 2010.

Nutty J: eh calm down...I can understand where she's coming from. Its a normal reaction
C.A : No Jay dont tell me that...do you know she disrespected me by sending you that mail? Did she think of me? Why are Delta girls so aggressive?

'abeg abeg abeg....don't forget I'm a delta girl ooo no just insult me' I joked

'Thats the thing...I've never seen any one as mature as you...you are different, I'm very sorry for this embarrassment, you are one friend I don't JOKE with...'

'E don do. abeg you guys shouldn't quarrel becos of me...pick her calls and just try and make her understand how u feel about this'

'For what? I'm not picking her calls ever again...thank God I haven't promised her commitment..thank God for exposing her bad character'

...as he spoke my mind wondered back to our time together. I met him as a young bloke fresh out of NYSC and working with one of the big banks in Warri. He had three banks offering him a job at the time...I can attribute that to his 2'1 GP but I'd be lying if I said his charisma didn't have a lot to do with it. I was in my final year in school when we met in 2007...and we hit it off pretty fast. There was just something about C.A I found irresistible...we became like rice and stew almost immediately. Our relationship progressed steadily...well steadily until I discovered there wouldn't be any ever afters. Our genotypes are incompatible.

It broke my heart to leave him (this was 2008) my mum knew him and understood why we couldn't be together...but I think he was more broken. He never gave up on us...three years after he was still on my case. The above dialogue happened at my place when I spent my 2 weeks leave in Warri in August. I had visited him earlier that week at the office, took a pic of him...and captioned it 'Sugar Honey'. This I did without any evil intent...I knew he was seeing someone but I didnt bother asking if it was serious or not...I was just so happy to see him and glad we still had our easy friendship between us. So i dont know what triggered the nasty email his girlfriend sent me when she saw the pic...was she mad cos I captioned it 'Sugar Honey' or did her greviance stem up from the fact that I captioned it 'sugar honey' and TAGGED him on it...or maybe she just dey vex say I take picture of the guy...

'what do you mean by tagging my boyfriend sugar honey, you are a girl like me and you knw what that means...I know how best to take care of cases like you. Its not desperation o, its called protection. If you love yourself so much. I beg you lay off becos etc etc'

So when CA made all those declaration above...I was glad. I mean i hated her already and from the look of things, she didn't deserve to marry the man I loved just becos I cant marry him. I tried to reason with him on her behalf but it didn't really come from my heart...imma gonna find him a woman of substance, some decent girl who wont be embarrassing her husband anyhow, somebody with good home training...yep that's my plan...or rather that was the plan I had till...

December 2nd 2010

*ring! ring!!*

'hey wassup up... how u dey? I'm coming to Warri this Xmas ooo, hope u aren't traveling'

'for real...good good....eh *clears throat*'

'ki lo de? why are you sounding like...besides this one you called me very early so...'

'ya...I have something important to tell you'

'talk na...abi are you getting married?' I joked

'hmmm...na wa ooo, you just dragged it out of me...yes o...on the 18th of this month''

...I dont know how I said all the congratulations...and good luck, I even promised to be there. I was happy for him, I swear I was...I mean he has to marry na abi? But how come I just heard about this 18days to the D-Day. How come I feel so bad...am I not supposed to marry before him at least? And when I visited the wedding website (oh yeah they had one)...guess who the lucky girl is? Yes oooooo...the same girl that told me all those things...the same girl that he said he was thankful he hadn't committed to...hence he would break up with.

See I just dey vex....I didnt attend the wedding...I've been in warri for the holidays and I havent called to congratulate him...the one when dey pain me pass be say, a cheque I should have cashed since, I still haven't done so cos he works in the bank where I have to go cash it.
Disappointed

I mean you guys tell me, I'm not jealous I'm just very disappointed in him, didnt our friendship at least mean anything? Why he no tell me?? Why didnt we discuss this...how do I continue the friendship knowing fully well I dislike the wife and she reciprocates this dislike with equal passion. How do I even forgive him for marrying and/or making marriage plans behind my back?

...and I really need to cash that cheque before new year. Dont know how to get to their other branch in town. :-(


Nutty J

Re: Tell God

I was going through some of my favourite blogs when I came across Neefemi throwing punches at God.




She ended by saying:

- Dont Preach
- Dont Advise
- Dont Email
- Dont Comment
- Its Pointless

But she didnt say ''Dont criticize''

So i'm going to criticize... not about what she's questioning about God, or questioning God about...no, thats between her and God.

Instead I'm gonna use her as a point of contact to reach all those who put up blogs when they feel bad, then purposely dis-allow the option to comment. Making us (me) who read it to scan everywhere for the comment box to no avail. Making me feel useless when I want to throw a silent hug?

Imma gonna say it to all of you that I follow that do this sometimes, ITS NOT FAIR...you shouldnt decide which of your posts is 'fit' for us to comment on... good or bad or angry or sad we have the right, I have the right to comment...leave the comment box there...its now left for us to heed to ur plead of 'please dont comment, dont advise, dont email''

Ah han...for what na...as if we dont matter when your world is cold? Infact as if I, Nutty J, dont matter when you are feeling low?

Its not nice...kpatakpata block every post lets know you dont want feed back.

***************************************************

I had to talk about this...sorry y'all, a saner post is coming up soon...you can reach Neefemi on this site

If you dont know her yet, you are on a long thing.

Someone Must Be On Top

In one episode on Grey’s Anatomy, Izzie was saying to George that they both were followers or something like that, unlike Meredith and Yang who were do-ers. Meredith and Yang do things…they just don’t watch or follow, they lead others, they go forth…they do the things that Izzie watch and wished she could do. They make things happen.

So long as seed time and harvest time remains humans will always fall into these two categories, doers and followers….or should I say, doers and watchers.

We want to be the ones making things happen,everyone wants that... in high school we want to be that girl or boy that everyone wants to identify with, the one people notice when they dont show up for class, the one we feel grateful when he/she includes us in his/her circle of friends…the one whom we admire for their doings...and charm. The one whom the teachers cant do with and still cant do without.

In the office we want to be the one people listen to...the one whose vote is asked to break the tie. The one who they wait for before a concrete decision is made concerning staff welfare. the one everybody hates but cant help loving at the same time

My question is, what stops us? Why don’t we do…why do we sit and watch others do and get the recognition…where does our voice go when it needs to be heard. What are we searching for on the floor at the moment were eye contact is needed. How come we allow others do the talking while we do the echoing? How come the ugly girl gets the Tall Dark and Handsome guy while you get the average comfortable insecure guy…how come he goes home with the prom queen and you get the chick with self esteem issues?

The fear of failure, the fear of criticism and the fear of rejection can take the fall for this.

‘what if I’m wrong?’

‘what if I’m laughed at?’’

‘’what if it doesn’t make sense and I fail…it’s my life’s savings you know’

‘nah…I'd rather not over step my boundaries, let me maintain my level’

And so we sit and watch and see him/her go places and do things we assure ourselves that we would do one day…we see him/her start something we are only glad to follow in. And we say to ourselves ‘soon…very soon that would be me’

Well hello???? You better start looking at your time…Soon is now!!! Now!! I’m not saying take careless risks, nope…start with what is around you…get up and start a conversation in your office, be the one to think up an idea for the end of year office party…pick up your phone and get in touch with all your old buddies, BE THE ONE to host the next alumni get together, write an article for the church bulletin, join the drama or dance group…walk up to a stranger and compliment his/her style of dressing…start up a conversation with that man or woman you admire from afar. (Shame on meI couldnt do that with one McDreamy in the gym last night).

Rejection or criticism or failure happens only to the best people…so join the best, get your own dose of rejection/criticism/failure because without all these once in a while in your live, you are nothing but ‘just there’…these are the ingredients that actually prepare you and teaches you how to pass the tests on the road to being an achiever.

We all have dreams of 'someday'...today is that someday...you are not getting any younger

The man whose dreams come true is the one who wakes up from those dreams…and starts acting.

Someone must be on top....why not you?

Quote of the day: It isn't sufficient just to want - you've got to ask yourself what you are going to do to get the things you want.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Get the Commitment You Seek.

Have you ever been in love? The type where you get heart stopping, butterfly in the belly, temperature rising reactions whenever the object of your affection says your name. All he has to do is say ''Nutty.....'' and you feel the goose bumps springing even in parts you are not aware of.

When you feel love like this...what do you do? Come on you know the trend it follows...you start obssessing...you want to know how he is doing all the time...you want to know why he hasnt called you...you make plans for the week according to his schedule...you become overly caring...the chemisty sets you on fire and blinds you to his faults....if he doesnt reply your sms you start wondering what you said wrong. But you know na... no be so e dey do you sometimes... ( Vanity talk true now ooo)


Now if what i'm saying is the truth about these feelings you feel when you feel a feeling you rarely feel, then why are some of us (my humble self included) here still single, after 3 months of breaking off from a bad relationship? If we are capable of such strong feelings why arent they working to keep us in long lasting fulfilling relationship?....its simple. Its the secret our ancestors pass only to wise children.

MEN ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN WOMEN THEY CANNOT HAVE.

phew!!! there I said it. It sounds crazy abi? I'm not gonna try and convince you, all I ask is that you look back to that relationship where you were exclusive and caring and nuturing and mothering and sex bomb-ing (osama sex-laden). How did that work out?

Now this is what I suggest... its something you all know and if you dont know it, then I bring to you the world's ever green cure to preserving relationships. Repeat after me...'C' is for CIRCULAR DATING

Say it again...'C' is for CIRCULAR DATING

Circular Dating: This can be defined as the art of dating up to three or more men at a time.


Actually before you can determine if you should or should not indulge in this art...you must first understand the secret behind it.

When you circular date....you keep your options open. You date not only one man at a time but 3 or 4...this ensures you are busy at all times of the day. You dont seat at home pining over one guy who is blowing you off, your self esteem and level of difficulty rises automatically without you putting any effort to it, you make out time for one man based on how empty ur calender is (becos your calender is always full). Now all the love you have stored for one man, you share among three men. This way you dont appear clingy, desperate, or insecure. Rather you appear unattainable to the guys which is what makes you appear attractive to him. Now he would fight to keep you to himself... he would be chasing you every where to prove to you that he is 'enough' for you. That is how the genetic make up of a man is...he was built to chase. So make him chase...be unattainable and give him a challenge.

You may want to ask...till when? Well for as long as it takes to get you a commitment (whatever that is to you)...please note you are not doing this to make the man sit up...on the contrary you are doing it for yourself. For your sanity. Desperation is unattractive and women are emotional creatures meaning we cant help getting overly attached to a man we love (when we love). But he doesnt see it this way...he sees your calling all the time to check on his well being as being desperate, or insecure..or clingy and this automatically makes him run scared. Bottom line if you're dating a man who hasnt made a commitment to you, then you should keep dating other men. This gives you choices and you won't invest all your time and energy into a man who hasnt made up his mind about where you guys are headed.


Please note I said 'date'...I'm hoping its not everyone you date that you sleep with...go out on dates, flirt shamefully and harmlessly...keep them interested in wanting more...till you find the ONE who will commit to you for life.

If you disagree let me know. If you have any questions...let me know too. When you try it and it works...let me know



Go out there and have fun...have a lovely weekend. Remember that self-first isn't selfishness.





PS: Men in the house....you know its true. You know I love you

PPS: The term 'Circular Dating' I culled from a certain love writer...Miss Rori. She wasnt the first to use the term though.

Luuuurrrvvvvvvvv

I woke up from a nap by the vibrating of my phone. I reached to the other side of the bed thinking…yah!!! the sms at last to confirm that the trip to the beach this afternoon was still on. The smile faded with the speed of light and was replaced by a grimace. the sms read thus:

‘Jay I’ve been in this relationship for over four years, you know I love, respect, cherish & have made sacrifices at different times and occasion to make my girl happy, she does not reciprocate, she’s not committed, she’s impious, stubborn and does not have regard for me, still I love her. right now the relationship is stagnant. What would you advise me to do’

Girl in question is my correct friend…dude that sent the sms is my correct friend’s boyfriend. Earlier in life, receiving such sms’ were the highlights of my day. They made me feel significant, you know like people who had issues, especially concerning relationships would scroll thru their phone and stop at ‘Nutty J’ because they see the light ‘Yes…Jay always has a 10+things+to+do+to+make+it+work advise up her sleeves, I’ll call her’ well they weren’t wrong… I would dispense advise like Dr Phil(omina) and they and their relationships always lived happily ever after. Some I tell (like one who just looked into a crystal ball) ‘..hmm the way this is going, it’s time to let go’’, if they adhere they are always better for it.

It got to a point where friends expected me to be a role model…like if I look sad about anything at all, they go:

‘ah han Jay…na you dey talk like this, you be iron lady ooo, figure it out na’’ if I have boy trouble and I confide in friends I hear:

‘Jay this is not you…you don’t suffer fools…you sud know how to deal with this…meanwhile did I tell you Kome is misbehaving again…the other day he…’’

Needless to say, I was supposed to be the one who had everything figured out. So when I had to break a guy’s heart…or two…or three..okay I can’t remember how many, I did it because I had everything figured out. God forbid that I tell anyone my confusions and fears and worries. When my heart got broken that one time, God forbid that I tell anyone about my broken heart…I did my crying alone where tears would have filled a medium sized bucket. I did my mending alone with a smile on my face, none of my friends ever looked long enough to see the anguish in my eyes, because ya…you guessed right, I had everything figured out…I am iron lady.

So my response to such a trap+setting sms (because I don’t know whose side he expected me to be on) on that hot Sunday afternoon (good only for the beach) was:

‘hey…take it easy, such things happen even to the best of us. So cheer up’

Heaven bless my friends who finally called and I went to the beach…got back home 3 hrs later, brought out my phone to see I had a reply sms from my correct friend’s boyfriend among other sms’ and missed calls

‘That wasn’t what I asked. Hope you are cool because that doesn’t sound like you. hope am not pestering you in anyway’’

For a minute I was tempted to go into my Dr Phil mode again and send my usual never ending sms where I say all love is and isn't and give advice to the best of my knowledge asking him to stand outside the box and climb the box sef and look in and blab la bla. It was tempting, come on…you know it is. I shook the idea off and decided to compress all that I knew about love into one sms:

‘‘I wouldnt worry too much if I were you...if its love then two things are involved. It would either end well or not end well...so dont worry’’

Then I hit ‘send’

And that’s the way ah ha ah ha…I like it ha ah ha ah

PS: Happy November People.... thanks 2cute2 for the new month wishes sms you sent

The Need To Be Who You Are

Do you have people in your life who just dont get you? They just cant understand your need to be you...in order to co-exist successfully with them, they would rather have you dumb it down a bit....you know, dim your light a bit.

Don't settle for such people... who ever likes you should be able to love you the way you are... we all have one life...and its in God's hand. The need to be who you are in this life is all that matters. Don't let anyone rob you of this all in the name of acceptance...

Here is an advise my friend gave me recently:

''...na you sabi were e dey pinch you so y allow 'world people' to control you? What makes you think their views on you will get you to the destination you seek?
Just be you and keep flying! Abi you think success comes to those who don't take risks? who are too dumb? who keep seeking for approval first?? shy, reticent, fearful, timid people wandering 'what will Mena think of me' first thing in the morning, throughout the day and last thing at night? tufiakwa

think am na, The people that TRULY want your progress are few and far between cus they want it for themselves. Ever heard of PHD (pull him/her down?) aka the crab mentality??word!

Please the only person you should look up to is your God and Creator emphasis on 'your' cus it seems people have different gods they are worshiping'.


Imma leave you with this song by Glady's Knight o jare... Have a good weekend

Nigeria @ 50- Day 16- Arise O Compatriots!!

Nigeria @ 50. Day 15 Fumms http://www.funms-funms.blogspot.com/

Independence day I was at home...what with bombs flying up and down that morning, I didnt want to be caught unawares...christmas is around the corner you know. Thus I was nearby to hear what people had to say about Nigeria on TV...going up and down the house eating one junk to the other, one eye on the TV and another eye on the fried rice I was making (yelz na...fried rice is almost green and Nigeria is green...patriotism) until one woman on TV said ''I am Nigerian but dont ask me if I'm a proud Nigerian becos I am not and never have been proud of Nigeria''

Arise O compatriots, Nigeria's call obey...to serve our father's land with love and strength and faith. How did we manage to sing the National Anthem without getting the true meaning? Many of us are like that woman...but how do we get off thinking like that? Nigeria is messed up we say...but can you stand up and point an edifice tagged NIGERIA? from where you stand can you point and say: take left, turn right keep going and you'll see this great structure called Nigeria...hm-mm your answer is as good as mine...there is no structure like that...you and I are the Nigeria we most often times are not proud of. Nigeria is messed up? Then bravo!!! so are you... ''I'm not proud of Nigeria!!'' Good...it just means you are not proud of YOURSELF. Its wake up time people...its time we arise and heed the call to serve our father's land.


Lets play a game now, shall we...I want you to name one thing you have done for your country to bring about positive change...it could be anything so long as it has helped Nigeria one way or the other...make a mental list of them and imma not talking about you tweeting and raising issues of 15 kidnapped children on facebook while your friends comment and condemn Goodluck Jonathan. I'm talking about you doing something for Nigeria that has made Nigeria a better place....*please submit list after the class*. But just in case you don't have that list...this is what you and I can do:

- We could serve Nigeria with love, L-O-V-E that comes from deep within your heart...a love that doesn't grow weary even when you are disappointed.

- We are to serve with strength...don't sit on your arse becos you love Nigeria...that is not enough, back up your love with action. Start with you...be the change you want Nigeria to be...then move from there by affecting your environment positively...Nigeria is corrupt? then don't encourage corruption by turning a blind eye when you see it happening. Nigeria is lawless? Then teach your kids how to wait in line to use the men's room instead of urinating behind the bush...teach them how to respect road users....raise them to respect the law.

- We need to serve with faith, in such a way that even when you don't see immediate result, you still believe, becos you know that soon very soon your hard work would yield fruits. That is faith...evidence of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. There can be miracles, when you believe....though hope is frail, its hard to kill

Remember that The labour of our hero's past shall never be in vain...all those who died in the fight for a better Nigeria...who fought with their might, intellect and resources...do not let their fight be in vain by sitting there doing nothing. Pick up from where they left of. Just incase you do not know, our leadership is a reflection of us...so don't talk of equity and fairness when your hands are idle. If you think our leaders are corrupt, then you get off your behind and take a stand....be the incorruptibly leader...enough of leaving it in the hands of those you term 'corrupt'...go forth and be at the helms of affair..if not you then who?

Keep in mind that in our pursuit of a better Nigeria, a time would come where we get discouraged and frustrated and threatened and weary and mocked, a time would come where your might would fail you and your zeal would dwindle....this is the time were you let your heart keep you going...when you feel like you don't have the strength anymore, when your morale is at zero level.....let your heart carry you on....let what you feel deep down for the cause carry you on...no body said it would be easy...but still we will be here to serve with heart and might

And no matter your zone or tribe and ethnicity we are One nation bound in freedom, peace and unity, so forget all those talk of zoning and majority and minority, at this age we should know better...no matter how crazy it gets, don't ever forget that we are one

I'm supposed to write about the nation Nigeria...but there would be no nation without the people who make up the nation...you and I...believing in ourselves, believing in Nigeria...believing we can make the difference.

Who knows what miracles, you can achieve When you believe, somehow you will, You will when you believe.

Oh God of creation, please direct our noble cause....Guide our leaders right...and Help our youth the truth to know. Amen





Next on Nigeria @ 50. Day 17 Rayo http://www.all4words.blogspot.com/

Miss Independent

When Neyo sang ‘Miss Independent’, he probably didn’t envisage women all over the world tagging themselves as ‘Miss Independent’. Nice title that is anyway, but in my opinion it takes more than having a good paying job, the right connections, rolling with the cream de la cream of society…and singing the ‘Miss Independent’ lyrics to make you deserve that title. Being Miss Independent also entails having control over your emotions and keeping it in check. And this is the part most women fail to understand.

Women these days are always either hung over one dude or the other, or going from one bad relationship to the next bad relationship …it’s getting to a point where I just want to disable my email to stop me from receiving a ‘what did I do wrong this time’ mail. Like seriously girl it’s not about what you did wrong, it’s about what you didn’t do right, it’s about how you consciously or unconsciously allow yourself to be victims all the time…it’s about giving men the power to hurt you.

Many of us spend a lot of time, energy and resources trying to keep the men we should be letting go of. For some of us its how we have grown to believe it is, considering how our mothers told us time and time again that ‘’A woman should do everything within her power to please her man…so he won’t go looking for love elsewhere’’; while for some others it’s just a desperate attempt to feel needed. Whichever it is, it’s still not going to get you that relationship you have always dreamed about.

Women that go chasing men who are not available emotionally are women who have set themselves up for a fall. The popular and even biblical moral of ‘what you sow you reap’ makes some of us think this would solve all of life worries. Thus where he is emotionally abusive, you give him more attention, where he disrespects you, you give him more love, where he pushes you away, you give him everything you’ve got in the hope that you will reap these back. It may even seem the modern thing to do, giving and giving all of you to keep the man, always available emotionally, physically, financially even when he isn’t. But the truth of the matter is that sowing into the wrong soil is never rewarding. You probably believe that one day he will wake up to realize that you are the right woman for him and become ‘available’. It’s possible…, but it also smells of desperation, and desperation isn’t attractive.

You need to learn to let things go. If you go out with somebody and you both don’t connect - it's fine! Stop looking for ways to make it work. If the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do about him - it's no problem! Let it go. Love is many things, but one thing it isn’t, is unsure. If it is love you will be sure. If you have to spend a lot of time obsessing over it, and analyzing it and questioning ‘does he love me?’ ‘I’m I doing something wrong?’…then you know it isn’t love. If he loves you, he’ll show you that he does and you wouldn’t even have those questions. Don’t sit around waiting by the phone or checking every few minute to see if your sms has been replied. Why are you worrying over someone who doesn’t want to worry over you?

You want to be an Independent Lady? You want to get out of this circle of frustration and disappointment in relationships? Then get a grip… take back the power you have given to men by getting a hold of your life. Go out as often as you want, go to church, join a gym, stop pining, re-connect with your friends, meet incredible men, get into globular dating, i.e. not investing all your time and energy into any ONE man…until you have a ring on your finger from that man you choose.... Stop caring so much, and start moving forward! The minute you start channeling your energy into becoming a better and happier you, the more attractive you become around guys.

Ask the Men, they fall in love for different reasons and one of them is knowing that you know your worth and won’t settle for less all in the name love. You are the price; you are the trophy…if he doesn’t see that then let him go. Stop chasing, stop caring about ‘why’ and start living. That is becoming Emotionally Independent.

And the award for Miss Independent goes to.....

Keep stepping girl....oh and Happy Independence day to you all...kisses to the brothers