A Man In One Word

So someone asked me to describe what a man means to me….in one word.

This is a huge feat...for me at least…whatchu talking about describe what a man means to me in one word when u know I like getting into long talk and details… anyways I tried and tried…and tried and guess what? I couldn’t come up with one thing a man means to me in less than 5mins. Isn't that strange? I mean we talk about wanting a good man and we talk about our present/past men and majority of my friends are men gaddamit!! But what exactly does a man mean to me in one word??? I found it hard to say something at the spur of the moment.

Maybe I was speechless because he said ‘in one word’ or maybe after thinking it thru a man just didn’t mean much to me ….I don’t know, but nothing came readily to mind. After careful deliberation I came up with ‘Gateway’. Yeah I did it…. I could describe what man meant to me in one word. Yippee!!!

Gateway!?!?!?! From all the things a man could mean…what he means to me ‘gateway?’

Afterwards… I thought to check for the dictionary meaning:

- 1. an entrance that can be closed by a gate

Now notice that he isn’t the ‘gate’…he is an entrance to either somewhere good or bad and the good thing is that, that entrance can always be closed by the gate.

- 2. Something that serves as an entrance or a means of access: a gateway to success; the gateway to the West.

In my head, this is like going thru a place that u know leads to maybe peace…probably lesser burden…maybe a place to release…or a place I know I can be secure…or somewhere where I get a listening ear… or somewhere with financial security. You know and maybe that is just how I see it. A gateway…an entry way…an access, an opening, an opportunity, a break, a first step…someone to say the things I cannot say…someone to tell me not to bother doing everything because he can do them for me. Someone that I can safely exhale with and let down my guard. A gateway to ease or freedom or peace.

The thing with gateways…is that you don’t know what u are getting into. Could be bad at the other end, or worse it may lead to nowhere…if u are lucky, it could be good at the other end. But first you need to go thru the entrance…

But that is just me…some guy said what a woman means to him in one word is ‘entertainment’. What about you? In one word can u describe what a man…or woman means to you? I tried…lemme see u try.

N'J

There is More to Life

That was what I told my girlfriend yesterday...we were having a normal conversation and it wasnt long before the whole boy/girl drama thing came up again. And at that point I just got upset. I dont know why but at that moment I was fed up...everywhere I turn I see and hear the same old thing. Even In blogsville. Men are bad...women are bad....relationships are hard...relationship sucks, love is wicked. We know....and so bladdy what? I know I'm also guilty of always talking about relationships and the drama that comes with it but then come on...lets call ourselves to order please.

There is life after love... if you are in love, congratulations!!! It doesnt make you better or lesser than the next person. If you are out of love...congratulations, it doesnt make you better or lesser than the next person. But then so? Why is that what we talk about often? is it becos we have nothing else important going on in our lifes? And if that is the case why? get a hobby...get a religion...have casual friends...get a job..go to school...read your books.

I've come to discover that our obsession with this love matter sef, is one reason why we dont have lasting relationships...we become so engrossed in it that we sometimes choke our partners or our partners choke us with it it. Do something else...rescue yourself sometimes...give him or her small space. Stop waiting by the phone waiting for a return call...stop expecting everyone you go out on a date with to be the 'one'. Get a life. Stop being insecure...and move ahead.

The energy we spend trying to make our relationships work...if we spend same energy, put in same dedication and prayers into our jobs and life, we will be richer, wiser, more learned, etc and guess what? we will have much more to offer a man or woman compared to the constant 'I love you' talk we offer...we will have more to offer than sex... we will be more appealing to be with. No body wants an insecure broad with no real conversational skills order than 'I love you'...''have you eaten''...''where are you''...''I'm just checking on you''...''when will we see''...''who's that girl''


There is more to life. If there isnt more to your life...then get more. Get a life.

Thank God its friday.


N'J

Angel

He called me on the 16th to tell me he was traveling to the UK on the 18th to do his masters program.

"yippee, ya baby now thats what I'm talking about!!!'' Was my first reaction. I was happy...but then I thought

''huh? what did you say?''

''hmmm...sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't even know myself, mumsi has been doing everything on my behalf, i just found out yesterday''

yea right...believe that Nutty and you believe any and everything

''So what are u saying...when will u come back...how do I call u, bla bla bla'' I asked...fidgeting with the phone and thankful he couldn't see the worry in my eyes

''hmmm...that's the thing, when I'm thru i'm gonna work here and its gonna be a long time say 10yrs and I cant tell you to pause ur life for me yada yada yada''

''huh?''

*************************************************************

That was October 2006... I must have said a lot of 'huh?' that evening when we talked on phone. I was worried. My boyfriend was sounding distant...who goes to the UK for masters without knowing before hand? Two days before the day nia you dey tell me? And he knows we are in different towns....And who says I have to wait here in Nigeria for you...before that ten years what would stop me from coming over to the UK... deep down I knew it was total BS.

One month later...he tells me he had been cheating on me for 8months prior to that phone call and that he couldn't tell me cos he knows we had shared a lot and that he knows me well to know that I would kill him if he told me when he was in Nigeria...etc. I asked him who the lucky girl was... he said it was Ngozi*. I was pissed. this same girl he swore there was nothing between them, that they were just friends. I believed him...becos there is no man like my Angel...I called him Angel for 3yrs. He was good and I never deserved him. If I say a man is good...then he is good.

We shared everything...I was always honest with him, even when I broke up with him once and he wanted to know why, i told him its because I'd cheated on him and I couldn't stand the fact that I had done that to him. He forgave me...or so he said, he wanted me back...and contrary to everything my common sense told me, We got back together. But that space in which we were separated, Ngozi* had found her way in. And eight months later...I was out. Maybe I shouldnt have told him the truth of my foolishness...or maybe I should have known better. But I thought love was about being honest about ur mistakes


I hurt for months...but I forgave him, I lost that love but we wouldn't have survived without keeping the friendship we had. So months later we were friends... I jokinly told him ''If una break up...I wud tell vanguard, guardian and punch oooo, i go laugh una''

And he would say ''Nutty... we wont break up I love her...but I have always regretted the day I broke up with you. No one be like you, I wish we could turn back time''

If it was another guy....i'd have shrugged it off and said 'scam...sharrrappp there''....but Angel is a different kind of man...and I have never stopped loving him.


That was why when he called me this evening to tell me he broke up with Ngozi* after 4yrs of dating...my heart ached with him...I felt his pain, once again I wished I could cry. Because I know with how much force Angel loves when he loves...this was one man who knew now to commit. Yes he fucked up with me...but guess what I fucked up first, I never made him feel appreciated...I didn't know jack shit about how to love another person like myself and he was always patient with me...loved me without expecting much in return. I could feel his pain over the phone this evening when he said:

''Nutty I don tire for this love thing...if you know just how much I feel pained, she doesn't love me no more and I cant continue forcing it''

I thought I was going to say it in vanguard newspaper: Ngozi* and Angel broke up!!

Dammit I told him i was gonna laugh in their face...and tell the story in Punch and Guardian newspaper if this happened. But now all I can do is tell him to be strong...and that he will be fine. And that time takes care of it.

He is my friend...the only man who had ever loved me and made me feel secure in his love, till now, no man had come close to treating me as well as he did. And till today I regret not handling what we had better...I regret taking his love for granted then, thinking it would always be there despite my rubbish

She is not my friend...she was the friend of my love...then she became the girlfriend of my love, now she is his ex. And I feel sorry for her...I regret on her behalf. Because if she had left for stupid reasons...she will regret. He is her first serious boyfriend, thus she doesn't really know just how hard it is to get a man like him.

What is wrong with us women?




N'J

19th July 2010

Yeah!!! Its some minutes past 9pm and I'm feeling good. Its actually night...I mean its dark outside. It was also dark outside this morning when I woke up some minutes past 4am...getting ready for work, one mind on what I'm going to put on...another mind wondering how the day would go.

The journey to work was tormenting becos today was here...today that I had been pushing away unconsciously...

how do I go to work and work/walk with crutches

I was tormented with the thought sha...fine gal like me. What would I tell the press? Why was God doing this to me? What sins I'm I paying for? Chei!!! My market don fall oooo....and its this period I have some correct new toasters...not one, not two...not three sef. What have I done to deserve this.

But you know, its really not about the sins we are paying for...as a matter of fact sometimes God is silent becos he knows the end from the beginning. Maybe there is a lesson here for me to learn....maybe now I would appreciate even the smallest part of my body...or the most useless part e.g finger nail. Or maybe he is trying to teach me humility. Maybe its all for His name to be glorified.

SO I got down from the car...wobbled a bit (I'm still learning how to use the thing) and as I took a step towards my office I said a prayer:

Jesus...its me and you now, please help me. You could have prevented Daniel from going into the Lion's den, but you did not...You were there with him. You allowed those men go into the fiery furnace when you could have prevented that from happening, but you didn't...instead you were there with them. Now I'm here...I need you to be here with me,help me on this journey, help me as I go step by step...take away shame...take away embarrassment, see me thru with my head and chin held high. Please Lord I need you to help me thru this. Amen''


And it was fine after that...I answered all the uncomfortable questions and it was okay...I did my work, even as I went about the office, leaning on the crutches... it was fine. The day began...and the day ended. And It was fine.

So I guess what I'm saying is that, God doesn't always prevent people from going through the fire or tough times or sad times... but His grace is sufficient to see us thru unscathed (besides the true test of gold is fire abi?). If we can only stop looking for the end of the story...and leave that for God, we will be surprised just how far we can go. Let Go....and Let God.




Soon I'll be jumping up and down again...very soon. In the meantime....I'm good.


Tomorrow is another day...

Good Night.




N'J

....Condt.

So I got home friday evening and just pushed everything out of my mind. I decided I wasnt gonna think about it on friday, I'll think about it tommorow.

Saturday came and momsi called, I told her what the doc said and she felt very bad....she told my dad who felt bad-er. I finally got in touch with my friend R* and we talked and he told me I would be fine... gave me alot of strength thru his words and I began to feel good. I mean everyone should have friends...I mean one or two persons you can be real with and who keeps it real with you.

I have made up my mind to trust God on this. He will heal me.


Sunday came...Monday came and so did my dad. Not physically, he just kept calling me and by monday evening he said had surfed the net and discovered that the ailment was serious and that pain killers would only suppress the pain but doesnt heal it and he wants me to make arrangement to fly to the US for comphrensive treatment.


No be small thing....this man is just something else.


Daddy I know you are worried but calm down...think about my job, think about the expenses, I mean the docs here are quite good....lets not kill fly with hammer I beg you


He said he'd think about it... but that was Monday.

Tuesday he called and asked for the surgeons number.

Today he called the surgeon who filled him in.

...and I've been mandated to go get the crutches. According to him, its for my own good and if it makes me feel bad, I should come home, he'll pay me the salary i'm receiving now till I'm better and he's sorry this has to happen yada yada yada.

I know he means well and really using the crutches for like 3 months or so is better than letting the bone deteriorate.

But how do I do this... I never imagined I would ever have to go around with crutches. To work. To meeting. To church. To the beach...to the places I go.


And I know I cant say No to my father on this...especially since he is being rational. So tomorrow I'll go get it/them.

But I have a FATHER that has never ever failed me. His name is Emmanuel. His name is Jesus.


And ya...I saw the comments asking that I get another medical opinion. Its alright. They would tell me the same thing. I may find the courage to explain all these soon in one of the upcoming posts....


But right now....I just want to go to bed. Its 12:22am.

*blowing kisses your way*



N'J



PS: The spell check just uncovered some spelling errors. But its not so bad that you wouldnt understand. Sleep dey catch me....



PPS: Okay it sucks right now that I dont have a boyfriend...I dont know why but It just sucks duck this minute....

The Following takes place from Friday till Monday

So I decided to go see an orthopedic surgeon concerning what I talked about here. That decision was made due to one simple reason...I tried dancing 'waka waka' with my cousin and found it difficult to rotate my hips the way I used to... so on friday I found my self with the chief (he made sure I was aware of this)orthopedic surgeon in one of the top specialist hospitals in Lagos. I got the referral to go there from my medical insurance company.

After asking me a series of questions, he asked to see the X-ray I'd done and the following convo ensued:

Mr. Doc: ah...you already know what I'm going to say

Me: huh?

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

Mr. Doc: You have 'insert big name here' of the femur and it doesnt look too bad compared with a case I had two weeks ago....

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes


Me: Excuse me sir... are you sure? I mean I gave my doctor this same x-ray last week and he didnt see anything

Mr. Doc: Of course he wont see anything is he a bone doctor?

Me: erh...nope. OMG what I'm I gonna do?

Mr. Doc: I always give my patients two options and you have to decide which is best for you

Me: Okay?


Mr. Doc: One, you can decide to take 4-6weeks off from work, come on admission so we can fit you into traction to enable you get off your feet and allow the bones come back to its right shape... and after this whenever you feel that pain in the future you can always do same....


Silver white winters that melt into springs,These are a few of my favorite things

Mr. Doc: Or..and I think this is the best option for you...I give you elbow crutches to use and get weight off your legs for the next 6 weeks and when the bones are well rounded again you go off them...and whenever you feel the pain you cant always use the crutches in the future.


Me: Isnt this a bit extreme? As in what has a slight pain got to do with all these many things?

Mr. Doc: Extreme is the case I had two weeks ago and he is in for hip replacement as we speak... I dont want that for you considering the fact that you are so young

When the dog bites,When the bee stings....


Mr. Doc: One more thing you need to lose weight as your legs no longer seem to be supporting your weight


Me: Excuse me sir, I weigh 57kg (thats like 122 pounds or so) and I'm a size 8... for my age I think I'm doing okay...as in where I wan reduce go?


Mr. Doc: just lose some of that and make sure you dont add extra...etc etc yada yada yada... do you have any questions regarding all I've said?

Me: Yes sir, considering the fact that I couldn't dance the way I usually do yesterday...does this mean I'm going to find it difficult riding my future husband? As in being on top during sex?

Okay I asked that question in my mind...becos this was the first question that came to mind.... but I FOUND myself asking:

Me: Is there no other option?

Mr. Doc: I'm sorry dear... but there are no other options


When I'm feeling sad,I simply remember my favorite things

Me: Thank you very much sir...I have to process this and talk with my family and I'll get back to you on what I decided. Thank you for your time


And I ran out of there...this was another time I wished I could at least cry. The first thing that entered my mind was to call a friend in America and a quick scroll through my phone showed I didnt have his number. R* and I had been chatting online for quite sometime now and we talked about alot of things and I just took it for granted that he'll always be a click away. Now I just needed him to talk with and I couldnt and I thought what if something happened to the cyberworld and FB, yahoo msger and gmail and blogger vanished.... it means I'd have lost a friend just like that. The things we take for granted sha...

The ride back home that friday evening (9th July 2010)left me thinking about things I've taken for granted till now... and in their own little way, these happen to be my favorite things. Dancing, being on top during sex, high heels, climbing trees, sitting crossed legs the muslim stlye....these are some of my favourite things. I simply remember them....

And then I don't feel so bad




N'J


*I'll give you the updates later, I've been away from blogsville and I see I've missed alot. Lemme go do my blog round, will holla*

Fear that Fear

Hi..its been a while. I've just been a tad lazy and been postponing blogging.

Anyways I had an interesting convo with a guy who has been asking me out for over a year now...and what struck me as odd was when he said:

''so i had to let you be you know...I couldn't stand the fact that I love you but you were loving someone else''

''How did u come to the conclusion that I was loving someone else'' I asked

''Wasn't it obvious... if you couldn't love me, then it means you love someone else''

Okay I don't really understand this and I'm not gonna try and imagine what he was thinking...my brain cells are just not functioning well this evening*. But it got me thinking questioning myself: would I willingly fold my hands and watch someone I love and want for a relationship go just because 'I guess' he is in love with someone else?

What happens to finding out and making sure first. The worse that can happen is a NO. Really if he had persisted I wouldn't have dated him for some reasons....now I'm single again I still wont date him for those same reasons. Come to think of it I met him the period when I wasn't even dating anyone.

Now that kind of laid back attitude in a man, I find very annoying. And it makes me think that such a one would have such an attitude in other areas of life. I'm not saying go on a 'snatching of boyfriend/girlfriend' spree... but how about you check to see if you can get what you want. What would you lose? I have heard too many 'NO' in my life to be afraid of rejection... I have seen too many 'could have'...' would have'...'should have' to be afraid to try...

Alot of people wanted me to wait and get another man before I left my relationship. I could have done that...but that is not me. I cannot use one man to forget another...its not just in me to do that, besides I dont use people like that and it would hurt me if I'm used to get over someone else. But most importantly I am not afraid to be alone.

Now my point is we all have our fears. Alot of people are afraid of a lot of things

- Rejection

- Being Alone

- Poverty

- Death

- Pain

- Confrontation

- etc

And its all good... I have my fears too. But the only way you can over come these fears is to put a name to your fear...when you name it you can defeat it. Dont tell me the reason you cant get that girl is because 'she is in a relationship' until she tells you to back off, you have no right to assume she is in a committed relationship. That is just your fear of rejection talking. Its the same fear of rejection that wont allow such a person apply for a promotion and would rather be in that unfulfilled position in the office when he knows he is better qualified.

Its the fear of being alone that makes young men and women suffer in silence in an abusive relationship because anything is better than being alone...call it as it is, dont say its because ''he has his moments''


One fear I have is of being a 'failure'...I recognize it creeping in when there are things I need to do and I'm not certain if I'll succeed or not and that stupid voice says:

Jay you don't need that...what chu wanna go doing that for

And I'll pause and think hell ya..why I wanna be risking that, its not like its a life and death thing

and so I make excuses and don't take the risk I should take...missing out on so many opportunities because I want a clean record of ''Nutty J doesn't fail'' BULLSHIT...not trying is failing on its own

It continued like this until I sat down to recognized what I was doing, how I was allowing fear keep me in a place called 'good enough'. The day it dawned on me was the day I put a face to my fears...and now I recognize it when it comes. I don't take stupid risks...but at least I'm no longer afraid to dare. It doesnt mean I have succeeded all the time, no I have failed sometimes...but at least now I can learn from the mistakes and get better. And I know on my death bed...some 60yrs from now...I will know that there was nothing I wanted that I didnt go for...If I fail, if I succeed at least I tried my best...I live as I believe and that is 'go ahead...you go ahead and dont stop'

Now I reserve my fears for healthy things to be afraid of like:

- God

- Living a reckless life

- Sleeping under the rain..lol

- Fear (yes ooo... I fear FEAR)


Anyways here is a quote I like by Dr Ben Carson:

Successful people dont have fewer problems. They have determined that nothing will stop them from going forward.


Still afraid?







N'J






* I wrote this yesterday evening.