Paradox of Life

You know the worse quarrel I had with my dad was when I just finished my SSCE and he got so pissed off that he told me to leave his house. At that utterance I knew I had over yarned and probably in my anger said things I shouldn’t have…I apologized oh, as was his usual demand, but this time, he said:

‘I’ve heard you…but you cannot be this hardheaded in my house, you will now leave’’

So that was the first time I was away from home for like 8months…eh I wasn’t suffering sha, because I came to Lagos to be with an aunt. Pshceeew!! Anyways I remember this because this was the period I invested well in all the bad habits I had been experimenting with in secondary school that time. I was attending tutorials for SAT and TOEFL at one correct school and I made this friend…this crazy girl candy* who was Turkish by the way…and the first time I was drawn to her was the day she walked into class scenting (smelling, if u like) of Benson & Hedges. I couldn’t resist asking her:

‘’hey…listen do u smoke?’
‘’ If you have cause to ask that question, then you obviously know the answer’’ she replied with a grin

I knew I had found a friend. A friend in crime is a friend indeed…I was happy, because prior to that I was going mad with the bunch of fake (in my opinion) people in that class. I just de vex for the airs all dem Lagos guys be putting up and how them girls were so plastic. You couldn’t have a genuine conversation with them because they always had to be fronting or just annoying me generally sha.

So Candy* and I came to class like 7…went for morning smoke (Mena, I was carefree/foolish because of a lot of things) as class starts by 9am..then sometimes we skipped class and just went drinking. I was 17 she was 15 but so worldly wise. We left there, we passed the exams…I couldn’t travel for some reasons, she did and I went to school in Nigeria but we keep in touch till date, and I noticed in school there was something about me that attracted those kind of girls till now sef…free spirited, tom-boyish, mean girls…party girls who like their B & H and their drinks and look forward to club nights. We weren’t emotional..we entered relationships with the expiry dates in mind,(mind u, we were not sleeping around abeg, just having fun) expiry dates we created in our minds and when the time came we moved on. Some called us snobs, some loved us because we didn’t have all dem girly notions, some hated us because their boyfriends compared them to us, we liked guys as friends because they were more practical. We didn’t send anyone and their opinion. We were good but not nice…we didn’t indulge in gossip, make ups and we no just send. We just knew good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go everywhere, including heaven.(lol)

Now I decided to stop all that after school, like be more thoughtful of other people’s feeling, to stop all the bad habits because I don’t want to die of liver or lung failure, I decided to be more girly because that’s how it should be. The thing is it isn’t bringing me peace…now that I open my heart to people and I’m less brash, I find myself getting hurt. People taking me and my feelings for granted. It never happened before. I feel this pain sometimes and I never knew I was capable of feeling it, and I wonder why I have to feel like this. I was a bitch and I was happy…now I’m humane and not happy.


Is there a paradox somewhere there? What do human beings want…somebody treats you like shit and you do everything possible to make them love, trust and cherish you and your friendship. But someone treats you good,and cares about you, you abuse it and take them for granted. What do people want…men, women, animal what do they want? I cant find an answer to that. Can you tell me why friends, humans and people are like this. I know you could say, 'this was how you were making those people feel that time''...its not true, everyone knew what was on ground, I didnt make promises I couldnt keep, from the very first they knew what they were getting into by being friends/lovers with me. I dont play on people's intelligence, I never took physically or emotionally what I couldnt give back. ehen.

PS: I'll edit all the errors later.


N'J

The Act of Crying

I’ve been wondering of late about my inability to cry. Over the years I’ve noticed that the only things that make me cry are:

1. Extreme physical pain that comes from ill health
2. Public embarrassment

The two are intertwined in the sense that, extreme physical pain makes me cry not because of the pain itself, but because of the embarrassment that comes when I see friends and family watching me as I writhe in agony from pain on the sick bed. I hate the embarrassment that comes with that. Then public embarrassment also makes me cry.

Now I’ve learnt how to not allow anyone be with me in the hospital room except maybe one family member, until I’m better, and I’ve learnt how to avoid public embarrassment. Meaning for a very long time now nothing makes me cry.

And that is terrible. I hear of someone’s death, I’m pained, I look for tears…nothing. I hear some heart wrenching news…like how my darling’s mum has advised him, after spending only 10mins with me, that she doesn’t like me and he should end it, this causes me pain…I feel like crying out the hurt I feel…I look for tears…but none comes. Like when I’m seeing a movie, and everyone around me cries, it has moved me…I find tears, I cant get tears. I cant cry out of emotional pain, I cant cry out of stress, I cant cry of fear, I cant cry to save my behind from getting wupped.

So I asked google: 'why do some people not cry?.'

Answers:

- Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica, severe cases of depression flatten emotions, leaving a person without the trigger that starts the crying circuit

- Aside from a numbing form of depression, the inability to cry may be caused by a rare affliction called Familial Dysautonomia (FD), or Riley-Day Syndrome. While someone with FD experiences emotions like anyone else, they’re born without the reflex necessary to produce tears: crying becomes a dry display

I reject all this prognosis in Jesus name. It’s not my portion.

For those of you who can cry, please enjoy the privileges and the experience of crying. If you don’t know why…check out the advantages:

• Crying also proves to be a stress remover as it suppresses the stress hormones.
• Crying is an important behavior required to get rid of stress hormones.
• Crying also removes toxins from the eyes.
• Crying in front of a person who loves you makes him come out for you and help you.
• Crying gains sympathy.
• Crying helps you get out of some mistakes and problems you might have created and save you from people who are ready to shower their anger on you.

So dont say I never taught you anything. You can now begin to cry.


N'J

Be yourself?

“Be yourself!!”

‘’Do not pay attention to what society thinks’’

Okay if u are in the category of people who hear that and go:

‘yeah!! that’s right, be yourself’


You can now repeat after me: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T…yeah I said so, Total BS.

I belong to the category that think, yes…do as you please, don’t think of society, be your own person…but now I’m beginning to see that society,whether you ignore it or not, finds its way to our bosoms and thinks plenty of us. And I’m going to talk about it from the relationship point of view (as usual)

Have you noticed that there is an unwritten game I like to term ‘the relationship game’….that is widely accepted in a relationship? That is if you want it to work…lemme give u a typical example:

Treat a man well, pay him attention and show him how much he means to you…in no time he will be bored and be screaming ‘’next please ‘, but if you hold back your feelings and treat him like shit, he’ll want to prove himself hence will keep showing you love. So in essence hold back…keep him chasing.

This game existed when I was in school…I played the game (not intentionally) not because I wanted to keep anyone interested, but I was hardly ever ‘in love’ (except once) in any of the relationships I got into…hence it was easy to treat him/them like ‘shit’ and true true….till today those men are still hot for me…

Now why I’m I talking about this…? I’ll tell u…after giving the relationship thing some 2 point something yrs space, I come back and see nothing has changed. I get a lot of:

‘’Nutty, we know u are a honest person..so be yourself and try not to show too much of how u feel…guys get bored easily that way’’ (huh?)

‘’keep him guessing girl…don’t say this unless he has done that, don’t do this unless he has said that’’

''Down play how you feel, that way he'll remain interested''

Etc

How is this being ‘myself’???? This is fraud…lying about how I feel, or down playing it or not showing it as far as I’m concerned is FRAUD. And I’ve never felt comfortable with fraud. What they say is true…at least it was true some yrs back…but how d heck does doing all this qualify as being ‘yourself’

The game works…whether its dictated by society is not relevant, what is relevant is that it works…but when will it end?

Why can’t two people who are in love, express love…if their idea of expressing love is painting their name in the sky and talking to each other on phone every two minutes…why can’t they? Why wont it work like this? Men una de vex me oh… this is BS…what do u mean by getting bored because we show u love? pshceeew!!


‘’Be yourself’’, ‘don’t care what society says’ etc may be all well and good….but what about when society is right? Do u still go ahead and ‘be yourself’ and risk losing the relationship or do you listen to ‘society’ and play the game….then live with the knowledge that you are a fraud?

Long thing.


N'J

Oh Lord...I want you to help me

I have a lovely mother...she is the best, I promise you if you know her, you'll want her to be your step mom....its that serious. And she is a nurse, a chief nursing officer, Central Hospital. Warri....She became a Nurse those days when nurses where recruited based on qualification, good looks, lovely smile and a good and tender heart. Why am I talking about her, i'll tell you now. In regards to her inlaws...sister inlaws and future daughter inlaws to be, she is good to them...she no de tight you, your joining her in the kitchen to cook or waking up by 6am to sweep is not the criteria in which she uses in judging you for good or bad...she no send, all she is interested in is that you are a positive influence in the life of her brother or son...and makes him happy, and if you are accomodating, in terms of flowing well with the family members. She loves you for you, not for what you can do around the house. Or becos of your family or tribe. Okay that is my mother.

So growing up with this mentality, I was taken aback the day my boyfriend let it slip that his mom, when she heard of me said:

'ah ha...my son, you are my first son oh, I dont want to lose you, cos I hear Delta girls are very possesive and have a way of controlling their husbands...you did not see any girl from around our tribe to get serious with?'

Say what!!!! I no really understand that kin word oh...cos me I love the woman in advance, I havent seen her yet, cos the only time I visited the family house she had gone to work and didnt get back on time the next day. But I love her in advance. so she must love me back...its important.

On sunday I was in church, it was thanks giving, in the heat of the dancing and clapping and celebrating with Christ...I heard a still small voice say ''My daughter My Daughter...go forth and visit your patners mother''....ah han!! if u believe that then you will believe anything (forgive me lord for I lieth)...it wasnt anything that dramatic...the choir was singing one calaber song and I thought of my boyfriend. He called me when I got home and I go:

" hey baby...I'm missing you and I want to visit your family house this weekend"

oops!! how did that come out? Slap me sombody...Was I drunk in the spirit....of dancing or what. watin concern missing the individual concern his family house? But I had said it... on monday it was fine, tuesday I wasnt thinking much about it, yesterday it tugged at my heart...but today is thursday!!! I don de panick...weekend is friday/saturday! I'm I really going to face mama boyfriend that already has a bias for where i'm from?

You may think I'm worrying over nothing...the thing is, this is the first time, I'm taking any human being serious...secondly this is the first time I'm taking dating seriously...this is the first time I really want it to work out fine.

But I know myself...and I no fit pretend for loves sake...meaning I wud do all I do in my mother's house, which is NOT wake up and start sweeping...which is NOT stay in the kitchen if I dont want to....just so that I can pass as 'wife material'...I know I wont fake...but will she love me for me? For my pretty face and easy+going+flowing+and+putting+everyone+at ease behaviour? Or will I be going thru a test I dont know I'm on?

I just tire for the matter...but I've made up my mind to go and find out. So na so this weekend go be, if nothing inevitable comes up. Saturday-Sunday-Monday i'll go from there to work...see love in Tokyo sha...I no believe say na me de do all this sha.

Pls oh...give me tips, all you who have succeeded in winning the family members over

Oh i forgot to say...he's sisters love me...and I love them too. My Oh My...i'm really into loving this season sha


PS: Will it make a difference that she too is a nurse...central Hospital, Lagos...Yelz na...wont knowing that our family have that in common make her soft towards me...


//Oh lord I want you to help me!!!
I say Oh lord I want you to help me....
Help me on my journey...help me on my way
Oh Lord, I want you to help me//

And God's people say....Amen!!!


N'J

...last weekend

Ha!! I want to talk about my weekend. Don’t be bored…..lol

My weekend was good…it was an eye opener actually

Let me explain, the weekend started with me looking forward to Saturday, I had been selected to attend a workshop that was being done by professionals in my field of work, 120 of us applied but only 20 something of us were selected, so u can see, by that Friday when I heard I'd been selected, I was feeling on top of the world like ‘men, I try…as in I gats the brains’’ (tell me some of u feel that way sometimes, please)

Saturday dawned bright and clear, I was so excited. I arrived the place, with my swag intact 30mins b4 the thing (seminar/workshop) was to start. So I spent the time reviewing my notes and kept an eye on the door to see who and who made it to this place…

You must understand that prior to this time one of the reasons I was feeling cool with myself was that I felt (underline ‘Felt’ twice) like I was amongst the youngest to be partaking in this once in a while thingy, so imagine my shock when I started seeing people who were like 21, 22 walking in with steps that were almost not touching the ground, 2nd thing I noticed was the bored look on their faces as if to say ‘’…what darn thing are they gonna tell me now that I don’t already know’’

Na so class start o…it was an interactive section, and it was done in such a way that when the lecturer/ speaker asked you a question, u were made to introduce yourself and talk about your work so far and what and what you have done. In my mind…I had done well with my life, as in, in my own world (company) and with the circle of peeps I interact with…I de try..I de kampe, as in nothing do me….aint+no swag+like+mine when it comes to my work….or so I thought, until I started hearing what the other’s were saying. Come oh…when I was 21 I was still in my 300/400 level in school, so where did these young smart assed guys and babes come from…their portfolio gan was like to die for.

Eg:

‘’I’m chinyere, I got retained after my NYSC this year with Mobil, further to the question posed, I do not agree with your opinion on this matter, Sir (pronounced ‘ser’)…I have carried out surveys on the rationale behind the bla bla bla’’

Na so on and so forth…sometimes the speaker had to agree that true true, them know watin dem de talk

Long story short…it got me thinking that most of the time…we get lost in being so ‘comfortable’ that we forget that there are also people out there working hard at what we are doing…working harder and becoming better. It goes to show just how easily one could become irrelevant in any given area. How easily one can be replaced. You think you’ve got it all figured out? you think you know all the answers….you think you are so damn good, they can’t do without you….well dear, turn around and look again. Maybe in that your office or neighborhood or church or amongst your friends, you are the champion….but what u don’t know is that out there…in the big wild world, you are probably a local champion…make I no lie oh, your girl was feeling like a local champ that day…all the swag I came in with was still showing on the outside, but my inside had been so humbled that I went back to my drawing board and began to re-evaluate.

This is the same thing we find ourselves doing in relationships…we know for sure that they love us like mad, hence complacency creeps in and we feel ‘norin de happen…I have him/her where I want’. Sorry oh…there are sharper and cuter and ‘betterer’ and sexier people out there….and they have an advantage over some of us, because they also go and their knees and pray ‘’Gad…by fire by force, let there be divine separation btw those two and let me be the one with that wo/man’’ a ha…the effectual fervent prayer sha avails much, you know…

Guess what I’m saying is that whenever you start swelling and thinking you have given 100%, pause and remember that your 100% is another person’s 65%... strive to do better than your best.Being at ease is very dangerous. Always

Sorry for the long post jare...that’s how my weekend went.


N'J

...On the subject of TRUST

Hello…can’t believe I haven’t put up anything this week…Imma so blaming it on the flu I’ve had since Monday, it’s bad enough trying to go thru the day’s work, not to talk about blogging…but I’ve been reading a lot of blogs though

Anyways something strange has been happening of recent…people been asking me

‘ Nutty do you mean you don’t trust me?’ or

‘’Sweetheart…I can trust you right?’’

My usual response is ‘’I wasn’t raised to trust anyone...’’

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While growing up…my dad drummed it into my ears ‘’…don’t trust anyone, people are bound to fail you and sometimes for the sheer pleasure of failing you’’

Initially I thought he had started with all this his many talks again…but as I grew up, or rather as I grew older I realized that he was darn right. Its life and we are all humans…humans are prone to have feelings…promises are made consciously or unconsciously based on these feelings. You know you check out your weight and you weigh above the norm and you get upset and vow…I’m never gonna eat that cake again. You have made a promise to yourself based on that feeling…or you read on woman empowerment, on how women should stand for their rights and not allow any man raise a hand on them and you are moved by it and you promise yourself never to be a victim of a man who beats up on his lady…or how about how you wake up and see the wrong being done in Jos via TV and this moved you and you make a decision to do something to help the families of the victims…


Well these promises you didn’t make to anyone but yourself…so whose gonna frown when u go for that naming ceremony and eat that cake, after all you rationalize that it’s only a piece of cake in three week na and you will jog it off…or when 7months later your new boyfriend slaps you for talking bad about his mama…and you reason it out and say ‘…I had it coming, I have never seen him this mad, I probably pushed him to the wall, he does love his mother’…or how about when office pressure distracts you from everyday day life and by the time you remember Jos, the fights had calmed down and anyways the government seem to be doing well for the victims family….

And then by the time you realize that you made so and so promise some yrs back u make them again and promise yourself vehemently this time to keep them….and the circle goes and on

*******************************************************************

So sometimes I get a blank stare when I say ‘’I wasn’t brought up to trust anyone’’ and sometimes I get convincing speeches on why I should have faith in people

All I say…and keep saying is that we are humans….and humans make 70% (or thereabout) of their decisions based on feelings…but feelings are fickle and subject to change in a second…Today I feel good, tomorrow I may feel ‘un-good’ so how the hell am I supposed to rely so heavily on another human being when I myself fail myself sometimes?

Yes I can understand working side by side with people and trusting that if they mess up, it was because they couldn’t help it…not some planned sort of ‘messing up’ (this type is the plain nonsense some people do, they plan in advance to mess u) , but to expect people to be all they can be, or expecting them to be all you and G*d know they can be? Nah…not me…as far as I’m concerned, that is the quickest route to Disappointments. And I find out that when ever I forget those words my dad said those years ago, I find myself on the laps of Mr. Disappointment

On the question of ‘Sweet heart…are you saying I cannot trust you?’’

My answer is simple:

Trust me not to cheat on you
Trust me to be the best for you while we are dating
Trust me that I will never lie to you or steal
Aside that….
Trust me at your own risk

Maybe I'm just a pessimist...maybe one day i'll learn how y'all do it...but for now, I really cannot lay it all out for one human being...be it Mother, Father or Lover...I lay it all for God. I haven't finished trusting myself yet...one step at a time. Me first, then you.

But if trusting others completely, works for you and has never led you to disappointments then show me the way...when I grow up, I'll try it out.


But till then...I trust you to understand

**blows kisses**


N'J

Its wasn't my Fault!!!....no?

Hello!!

Its a new month and its April fools day. It reminds me of two years ago, on the 31st of March 2008, I'd sent an sms to the guy I talked about in a post I did earlier "Another woman's man" breaking off the relationship and at the end I'd said '...I'm sending you this today, 31st of March, cant wait till tomorrow so you dont think its April fool'. Anyways I smsed him last night telling him it is two years today (ie 31st March) that we broke up...(*sighs*) Life sha is one uncertain ride.

Anyways I've been going around blogsville,most of the time just reading blogs I stumble on,interesting write-ups and its getting addictive oh, Gawd help me!! But I've noticed a trend...80% of the time, the gist is about love, sex and relationships...more often than not, its always how a girl played the blogger and broke his heart despite his best efforts, or how some schmuck cheated on the blogger and broke her heart despite all she has done for him and how her heart is now cold or now stone etc...and I wonder why its never the other way around, how come its always the other person that left us or never could understand you or never loved you enough....no body de talk of how they purposely played a mugu or a naive chick...or are you all innocent all the time? you never caused the break up by hmmm maybe cheating on the person and then it was discovered, you never did anything wrong to cause the break up. Blogsville people una good oh...una no de do bad for relationship abi? Your halos are shining so bright that some times I wonder if it isn't too bright to be true.

Well, all I can say is that we all one way or the other have had a hand in the mess up of our past relationship, whether you admit it to yourself or not, most times its either because the foundation ie how we started was faulty, or we took some things for granted, we probably became too comfortable or complacant forgetting that its hardwork to keep a relationship fire burning,we stopped trying or we played games or we allowed our emotions cloud our better judgement in some fraigle moments. Yes the other person may have been a jerk or jerkette but if we dont take responsibility for our own part of the mess up, chances are we would repeat the same mistake again and go over the whole process again. Another thing worth remembering is that quote that says ''in life God doesn't give you the people you want, instead He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you,to leave you and make you exactly the way you should be.''

All you have to do is seat tight, be the best you can be for whomever you are with at that time, use ur head sometimes before your heart gets involved because sometimes He/she might be the love of your life, but will he/she be your love for life? Having a 'love of my life' doesnt neccessarily mean that they will be your love for life...but then happy is he/she whose 'love of my life' will be to be his/her love for life.


Happy New Month...enough break ups, enjoy the April fools day. Happy Easter in Advance



N'J