Empathy- If you can't give it, FAKE IT!!!

EMPATHY: Can simply be defined as understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their shoes.

I don't know if I should call it a skill or an attribute or whatever, but I know people who eventually become great leaders have this quality in abundance, they empathize with others... they relate to people's suffering or pain and share in it, because they can relate based on personal experience, or just the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes .  It is an ability to recognize the concerns other people have

 It allows us to create bonds of trust, it gives us insights into what others may be feeling or thinking; it helps us understand how or why others are reacting to situations.

I'll show you clearly what I mean with the following illustration:

When a friend calls you full of pain and hurt and disappointment over the latest disappointment in their life and you can visibly and audibly hear the pain in their words and you say something like: 

You:  Wow! na wa o...don't worry dear. You may have to just let that go. I feel your pains
Disappointed Friend: Thank you
You: You are welcome dear. I can imagine how you  feel pissed at the Naija system. It's very annoying
Disappointed Friend: I'm trying to process this shit, so I can excuse it, its so hard mehnnn. I had targets on when I wanted to get this done. I hate this
You: Naija! It is well. Sorry about this. Take it easy. Mehnnnn What will happen now?

Your side of the conversation above can be said to have been emphatizing with the person . You are relating to the pain the person is feeling. 

Now here is how the conversation can also go:

You: Pray about it, something can still happen
Disappointed Friend: It's no use... I've heard from both sides, nothing can be done
You; Wow! Don't worry it's not a waste of time. Just channel your energy into something else. 
Disappointed Friend: It's fine. Okay
You: Yea take a chill pill and suck it in
Disappointed Friend: Leave me alone
You: Can't do that, we are in this together. it's the situation we find ourselves in...if we can't do anything about it we look for other options. yes time is no friend to anyone...feeling bad and sulking won't change anything. Therefore we pick ourselves up and roll with plan B. It's life
Disappointed Friend: I know you mean well... but your words, this is not the time for it
You: Sorry, I don't know how to be soft, it's the reality. If you do this again in August, it doesn't make you less professional than the next person. Pick up the next plan on your list and move ahead. 

Your side of the conversation above cannot be said to have any iota of empathy or even sympathy... as a matter of fact you have just sounded very selfish and full of yourself, you've made the episode about yourself and your opinion! Because you see, there is a time and a season for everything, including your opinion!!!! Keep your opinions for a later time when the person is not so heartbroken or near tears or disappointed. Keep it for the next brain storming session you both have.

Your opinion is a good one no doubt...but you sound like an asshole when you don't know exactly when to shut the hell up!!! Don't dismiss their concerns offhand. Don't rush to give advice. Don't change the subject. Allow people their moment!!!


Phew! Can you relate?



Nutty Jay

Efe & Tochi- To love again

Efe was raised in Nigeria, schooled in UNIBEN, worked with SAIPEM Lagos, handsome, God fearing, hard working, focused young man. After his second year with SAIPEM he met Tochi, a student of Convenant university, pursued her, and soon after started dating her. She was in 300 Level.

Efe was in love, and when he is in love he is in love. He is not the type to womanize, he doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. He did all the things a boyfriend would do financially, morally, sexually, etc for his girl. They dated till she graduated, served, and after her service she went to Canada to pursue a Masters degree. Efe supported this move, because he is an over achiever himself and he encourages anything that makes those associated with him progress. So she went and  from Nigeria he did everything possible to support her, kept the conversation going, sends money in hard currency to cater for some things she wanted...monthly basis. Never stopped calling, got a visa and was to travel to visit her on his next leave.

Long story short, over a silly quarrel on phone she called off the relationship, did not agree to all his plea, plus the plea by his family member. She left him. She damaged him emotionally for his next girlfriend and the next. He was never the same again emotionally.

A year six months  later he quit his job, got admission into a university in Singapore to study for his masters

Six months into his study (thats like two years after the break up) she's been calling and begging to come back, she's sorry...truely sorry and wants a chance. Her family has been calling to beg too, he said it's not possible because he feels nothing any longer for her. She asked to come see him...after much persuasion he agreed and she has travelled down to his country and has been there for a week now. She stays in a hotel, he visits her, takes her out, hasn't shagged or kissed her so that he doesn't give her false hope.


The following conversation took place today:

Me: So how are you guys now, emotionally

Him: We are good I guess. She wants to come back visiting in February (this visit is from Canada to Singapore)

Me: You...how are you in it

Him: Just normal, but we talk better now

Me: You think there is hope for you both?

Him: Honestly can't say for now, we are good friends with mutual respect...but I think she is truely sorry, however I am a tough nut. Maybe in the future her genuiness will be proven, but at the moment, nothing

Me: It doesn't work like that dear
Me: You are making it sound like a business deal... I'll give you two options how it goes in real life, you can pick one

Scenerio 1: 'I like her, and if she is really sorry about what went down in the past, then I would give this a try, because I'm sure I will love her again. So lets see how it goes'

Scenario 2: I like her, and she's really sorry about what went down in the past, but nah... I don't want to be with her anymore. it doesn't matter...all I can give her now or ever is just friendship 

Me: Do you get? it is not a function of how sorry or not she is, or if she is genuine or not. It is a function of you and what you want and are willing to risk for it. If not you will always be close to the exit door, always watching and waiting to see if she will slip again. And that's not right

Him: I like her no doubt, but we will be better as friends

Me: Then don't keep hope alive, If you encourage her to come back in February, you are keeping hope alive

Him: Her decision, not mine

Me: Efe, please be reasonable, this is your decision. Stand in her shoes, not everyone is as emotionally stable as you, or practical

Him: Well I tried discouraging her from coming back, she said she likes singapore and spending two weeks in february isn't a bad idea. Its her call

Me: You should have experience by now that girls talk alot of things but mean something else entirely

Him: At this point I can't influence her decision, I honestly I have spoken to her about it. 

Me: Think about it, if you are not in Singapore in February, will she come? It's not about Singapore, its you she is coming to see you

Him: Well I know, she is trying to work her way back, if she comes and remains disappointed I'm sure she will give up

Me: Is there a way back? If there is a way back no problem, let her try. But if there is no way back, save her the agony. Stop it Efe, what is wrong with you.

Him: Make we leave Tochi matter, its not an issue to deliberate on

Me: Not my issue to deliberate on...because really you might be saying one thing and feel something else that you are not acknowledging. So while I'm here worrying about her, she may have sensed a promise for the future and won't be disappointed after all. Your life, her life..totally not my business.


Question

1. What the heck is he doing? Is he really going to let her keep travelling up and down to try and salvage the situation, making her hope something will come of her endeavours especially since he knows theres no way they will ever have happily ever after? Isn't that wickedness somehow?

2. Is he just putting up a front and saying one thing whereas he feels another thing? And maybe he secretly  hopes they work out.


I used to think I understood how guys think and do their stuff....but this is totally out of my league. Maybe because Efe has never been like the regular guys out there, he isn't all about sex and the next available girl. He is very straight forward and go gets whatever he wants...so I can't understand what he is doing. I hate to think he is being wicked on purpose...deliberately leading her on.

So maybe it's a guy thing and someone can make me understand better... I can't rest joor... he's my favourite person and I don't want to think he is being callous

What do you guys think...

Scandal- What the hell?

I don't understand what Shonda RHIMES hopes to achieve by the twists and turns in Scandal and what exactly is her opinion of us the viewers.

Today I watched Episode 5 Season 4... yeah I know, stealing company's time, watching a movie while acting like I'm working.  It happens sometimes

But I'm so upset. Who the hell does Commander think he is to mess people's life like he does? Infact I'm tired of these sick characters in the movie:

Olivia POPE: Stupid black girl in love with a man she will never have, the cause of every single thing that has gone wrong in the life of every single person in that movie. Deceived time and time again by her father, and yet will not learn that he is a monster. Endangering the life of those she cares about because she can't see past her stupid love for Fitz. Serious Daddy issues she has...

President FITZ:  The biggest fool of all

Jake BALLARD: In love with a woman that cannot seem to stop loving a man she can never be with. Endangering his life trying to 'save' her from herself... Aproko that won't just leave things alone. Happy to be second in Olivia's heart. He gets an opportunity to tell the president everything during the interrogation but instead of just talking and spilling everything whether the president wan hear or not, he dey taunt the man about him having sex with Olivia on the Island. The fool deserves to die for even daring to threaten Commander.

Commander:  Ha... Commander who also happens to be Olivia's father is the only one who seems to know what he is doing!!! Wicked as ever, winning the election for the president because it's what Olivia wants, but killing the President's son to achieve it... then blaming Jake for it. After he had blamed Olivia's mother for it. Old evil calculating son o a... arghhhh

Millie:  Madam First Lady, nothing more. Jealous of Olivia...still


Shonda RHIMES, come on... I'm beginning to feel foolish watching Scandal, it's becoming more annonying than intriguing. It started out being intriguing...now it's getting too obvious and annoying. Your characters have too much sense to be doing the things you are making them do in Season 4. BALLARD isn't a fool, you are making him seem like one. Olivia isn't a fool, she fixes problems and so she knows always when things don't add up...but apparently she's believing her father's lies. You are distorting the Olivia we all know and love and turning her into a senseless woman too blinded by love to fix things.

Stop insulting our intelligence... or kuku round up the movie if you don tire to think. And why the hell is Cyrus sleeping with a prostitute, and Abby the Abby who was Olivia's right hand, who knew how to get things done when she was a gladiator, why have you made Abby seem like a fish swimming in the sea of the White House, starry eyed, grateful  if the president passes her a compliment and running around like a chicken wanting to be like Olivia. Abby??? Oh come on *groans in pain* 

Hain!!!

Mscheew

The pursuit of money!!!!

Ah ha! Money. Let's talk about money. So I was sitting still the other day, on monday I think, viewing my account statement for September and it struck me like lightening that the only inflow I had for the entire month was the salary inflow. The same happened in August.... no daddy deposit, no mummy deposit, no sugar/honey deposit, no friend or family deposit, no enemy deposits sef...and I literarily felt like crying. I used to have people just credit my account for no reason sometimes...they tell me to just take for fine-girl-up-keep. Now for two months no 'dash'. I couldn't risk checking July statement for fear that it's the same. 

I began to think of other avenues to make money. This waking up 4pm because of work thingy isn't something I want to still be doing when I'm in my 40s nah...and I got thinking, and was thinking hard (yea I try to make sure I squeeze at least 30mins everyday to shut every noise and just think, one hour at most) and it hit me that I am not very business inclined. I am more of a structured environment/office kinda work girl. This is a worrisome thing to know because shouldn't we all aspire to have businesses on the side? The irritating question I get asked often when I wonder aloud about this is: 'JAY What do you like doing'?

Seriously? What sort of question is that... okay I like:

1. Eating

2. I like writing

3. I like the guy of the moment

4. I like fixing people's work issues

5. I like teaching/mentoring  (What I know though about work related stuff)

6. I like cake

7. I like driving

8. I like fast cars

9. I like gazing at fine men

10. I like gazing at fine ladies

11. I like organizing other people's life

12. I like helping people find solution to their issues

Mind you that list is in no particular order

But the question is how the heck am I supposed to start a business with any of these likes???  And then I get confused, and I stop thinking, and then I allow my mind wander away from my confused thoughts and turn them towards the 8am- 6pm job...that I get to the office at 6:15am for and get home by 9pm sometimes 10pm if the road is experiencing major traffic , and I thank God that I have a better job than the last job where they enjoy owing staff salary, and refuse to pay vendors too (May God forgive my ex employers) 

But I don't know mehnnnnn.... I really need another source of income. I'm at that age where I need multiple streams of income. 

Happy Belated Independence Day

Nutty Jay

Seeking My Love For Life

So just when i prayed to God to give me a heart to love and receive love, I had my prayers answered and a month later I find my self loving and being loved by two (2) guys. 

Not two bastards, or one good guy and one bastard, nah....two responsible good men that love me without question. 

This past month I've been at a place where I feel like either God is playing a practical joke on me or the devil just wants to set me up. 

There is EP who i met first and on LinkedIn. ..He is Nigerian,  worked six years in the banking industry and decided to go further his studies abroad...We've never met in person but we bridge the gap by skyping,  chatting, phone calls etc regardless of the 9 hours time difference. He is good looking, intelligent, principled, doesn't drink or smoke or womanize, so focused on his career and all he wants to achieve. He is the kind of person that commits and doesn't look back except by a divine intervention. He does have a sense of humor too. 70% of our conversation centres around work, school, work, future ambition and work. I think that's okay...right? He is the kind of guy I've always looked for, someone whose own ambitions go side by side mine and who drives me to be better. As in I leave every conversation with him with a determination to be better. And I do better. He is good at reading my every mood, encouraging me, he is a great guy like that. He has made plans to come visiting in November, and when he rounds up in May he will relocate back to Nigeria full time. EP is 31 years old 

Exactly one month later I met Cee...okay that's not entirely true. I've known him for two years, but in passing, we take the same courses together...but I only began talking to him July 5th 2014...at a party we both attended.  What can I tell you about CEE... He is good looking, intelligent, focused, tender hearted... oh so tender hearted and its scary how we think alike and almost always talk alike and have same likes and dislikes. I don't get tired of talking to him... I can see him 26 hours of every 24hour day and I still want to see more of him. I get jealous sometimes over him...but it is a pure friendship...one devoid of lust, or anything of such. For once in a very long time I actually worry about another person's welfare daily...the way he cares about me and wants to do everything to make me happy is something you can see he is not faking, how he wants to know my opinion about certain things etc. I talk with CEE and I can tell him anything, Something happens or does not happen I want to call CEE and tell him, just exactly as he does with me. And we help each other with work, he is also a Human Resource Executive. Cee is a man with a purpose and a future and he acts like I am the best thing that has happened to him for a long time. There is an innocence to the way he lives life. CEE is 30 years old

MISGIVINGS

1. EP strikes me as the kind of person who hardly tolerate short comings in any form... and its kinda scary to know I always have to be on my 'A' game or else I would wear off his heart or woreva. Like if the thing might slow him down or he feels it might complicate his best laid plans, he would rather just stay away from such things... I don't know mehnnn maybe its my imagination

2. CEE just got out of an Eight year relationship, yeah he is that kind of one woman together forever guy. First she broke up with him early last year and they made up in December 2013, only for her to say she's really not ready for marriage and then broke  up with him in May 2014.  He swears his affections for me isn't a rebound, I want to believe this... but....

Conclusion

Both men make me happy I cannot lie, both men are making future together ever after plans for me, both men connect with me intellectually and I an see its not about wanting to sleep with me. 

Of recent I talk more with CEE, maybe because he is in Lagos Nigeria with me and we are on the same time zone or maybe because we share too much in common. Nevertheless I can't use that to judge because really the playing field is not even, considering the fact that EP doesn't have the same amount of time CEE has (its a nine hours time difference). 

By the way I am not playing any of them, I told CEE that there is EP who I met before him and who is crazy about me, and I told EP about being distracted of recent. Both of them are still friends to me... I haven't committed to anyone biko don't judge me. 

One reason I am not committing to any of these guys is because I really am not ready to make a mistake. I'm not some starry eyed teenager looking for 'The love of my life' only... nah what I want is 'A love for life'. 

People of blogsville... how do you decide that he or she is the one for you, how do you know the one you let go isn't the one you should have chosen? I used to think I had experience in such matters, but this time, I am completely lost and I don't want to make this kind of decision based only on my emotions. 

Help!! Because I just might run away from the both of them. 

*sad face*

Nutty Jay. 

SUPERMAN IS THE SUPER HERO- NOT SUPER WOMAN

Today I am sleepy, I have been sleepy since I woke up, I am not working at normal capacity today because my body, mind and spirit has done nothing else except think of sleep of day. I'm practically fighting to stay awake.  On days like this I thank God I am a super woman with super powers.

Now why is my body screaming for sleep? Its because I tend to forget that even superwoman is first and foremost a woman, she's human and she  is made up of flesh and blood. So I joyfully wake up 4am, leave the house 5:30am drive to work in an hours traffic, leave the office 8pm drive back in 2 hours traffic; get home 10pm, chat chat chat and chat on BBM with different people and skype when I can with Australia, then sleep like 11:30pm or 12midnight...to wake again by 4am

Is this wise? NO

Is this profitable? Dunno

Do I do this everyday? Mostly

Do I think I can do it all? YES

Who do I think I am? Superwoman

You know that thing that makes you feel you can do everything and anything and you have the strength to also take on other people's worries for them, add it to yours and help them worry and fix their issues, and still go about doing all your own stuff? I don't know the name for it, but I know that's the thing that makes you a mother of all but a friend of none. The burden bearer, the sabi sabi that people only remember when they have issues and after you have sorted it out for them they go about their merry lives and forget you while you get sucked in to the next problem to fix...thus you are always busy, never have the time to just chill with normal people, people without issues avoid you because guess what? you can't even talk normal and this is due to the fact that you always have a superior or better opinion about everything even in a playful conversation. You try to fix everyone and anyone you meet... We know people like this right? Irritating and very annoying people!!! For heaven's sake your opinion is not always needed....arggggghhhhhh shut up 

NUTTY JAY will you allow yourself become like this? Heck NO 

You sure? I'm sure. 

There really is nothing wrong in being a damsel in distress once in a while you know?  You are so right

Why didn't I think of that 

Merci Beaucoup

Why You Must Marry Before You Begin to Age Like Milk

...hahahaha...okay those are not my words, some guy I used to know actually put some ish up on his blackberry PM that said '...I'm tired of all these lagos girls that age like milk'. That was the day I began to unlike him

The reason for this post is to highlight the advantages of marrying early. All my female readers, especially those  below the age of 26, kindly take note

1. No heeediot will indirectly tell you that you are aging like milk

2. No family member will abuse you saying 'your shakara too much, you never really ready to settle yet' all because you refused to date a man without a job one aunt is trying to match make  you with

3. Your single status will not be the prayer point in every family function

4. You will not be at the office from 6:30am till 8:30pm because there is no one to go home to

5. You will not be doing character check every time you have a smart retort for some nonsense some man has spewed from his mouth all in the name of 'be polite, you never know if he is the one'

6. You will not be abused for uploading pictures of yourself  by friends and family who point it out to you that your married friends upload pictures of their family members while you are busy posing on your dp alone

7. You will not go home after a hard day's work to a cold and empty house with no one to share the experience of your day with

8. You will not mentally count your remaining eggs after every monthly flow... *coughs*

9. You will not be the one in the family they tell 'my daughter will soon be too big to be your little bride ooo' 

10. You will not be the one people greet every time they see you with a hand shake and words of  'this year is your year, we will come and eat your rice'

The list is endless, but ladies... let me share one more thing with you. If you start dating a guy hoping it will melt into marriage all well and good, if you are 25 and under.  But for those above this age and are facing serious pressure from friends and family and from movies gan, and you really are ready to enter into the beautiful world of marriage, you don't have time for such 'either or' games where you are testing waters. Simple question to ask after the fifth date is this: ARE YOU THE ONE WE ARE WAITING FOR OR SHOULD WE EXPECT ANOTHER?

You know more advantages of marrying early in Nigeria? Please share with us

Happy Weekend :)

Nutty Jay 

Who killed your Individuality????

individuality

ˌɪndɪvɪdjʊˈalɪti/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or character of a particular person or thing that distinguishes them from others of the same kind, especially when strongly marked.

   "clothes with real style and individuality"
2.      Sym: uniqueness, originality, singularity, particularity, peculiarity,distinctiveness, distinction, differentness

It is often said that there is that one (or two or three) thing about us that makes us different from every other person... that makes us unique.

That thing that makes you stand out. That quality you possess that make others remember you long after you leave the room

I wonder if anyone over the age of 25 especially in Nigeria still possess their special quality. Or at least still possesses all of theirs. The illusion of social acceptance has robbed us of our Individuality, of even the memory of how we used to be.

Social acceptance is profound...its number three on the hierarchy of needs of every individual. After psychological need and the safety need comes the need for social acceptance; Maslow refers to it as 'a need for love and belonging'

How subtly we go from who we are to who others think we should be, and begin to act how others feel comfortable with us acting around them… and we reason that this is fine so long as they accept us and we belong to them and they show us love. So what  if I have an opinion different from others, it doesn’t matter, what matters is checking first to make sure those we receive love from agree with the proposed opinion.

So what  if I want to have my dessert before the main dish? Nah we reason that it isn’t socially acceptable…so far be it from me to be caught with a piece of cake before I have eaten my vegetables

So what if I prefer pants to dresses, it doesn’t matter, the culture you have noticed in your place of work suggests that you look more serious wearing a dress…oh and it doesn’t matter that the company’s policy doesn’t dictate either ways, you just know you’ll blend in better with dresses, you just might have to learn to wear heels often and practice your leg crossing better

So what if my idea of a good evening is relaxing at a lounge like Mouse Pad in Lekki phase 1 with soft classic music and a calm ambience because that’s the environment you need to unwind after a long day’s work? Well it doesn’t matter what you want because you are considered boring if you don’t prefer one of the other alternatives that have music blaring to ‘Surulere’ ‘Your waist your waist all I want is your waist’.

I remember a friend, I don’t know what we were anyways, we were in probation stage of  dating, sort of.. I think… arghhhh!!! I had gone for his birthday, was the first to arrive and after sometime his intercom rang and he was informed another guest was on her way in… he said okay, then turned to me and ever so smugly he said:

 ‘Chichi is coming in, she’s my friend, please don’t embarrass my friends’  

Honestly till today I don’t know what that was supposed to mean. All I was doing at that point was flipping the channels while I was eating chicken pepper soup. Fast forward two hours later like 9:30pm after all his guest had arrived and we had eaten and drank and it was time for me to leave… he walked me to my car and hugged me and said:

 ‘wow you got along so well with my friends and you blended well with them, thank you so much’ or something and in my head I’m like ‘what the hell? I was sitting there all this time being there for you and you were watching hoping and praying I don’t embarrass you with your friends??? Seriously who gives a Sugar Honey Iced Tea’ but I responded with a smile and I left. 

But the thoughts of that day still linger till now, I’m sure if my head isn’t correct I’d have found myself thinking:… how do I act to please and talk and shit and moan and eat to please and not to embarrass this guy and his friends, then his family and then our kids.  OLORUN MA JE OOOOO

You see the more we try to blend, the more we give up one unique thing about us each time. Very soon you would not remember if you like your eggs boiled or fried or raw. You just become so used to being like others that even you will not remember what is unique about you. When you get to that stage, don’t expect others (Boss, wife, husband, pastor, kids, client etc) to think you have anything different to offer them than the average person. You are just like every other person. Someone to be forgotten

Social acceptance is profound, its key and its all the things it is… but it’s not worth giving up your individuality for. The world is a very big place, so if MR(S) A isn’t comfortable with who you are and what you stand for and can’t accept you like that, move to the next person (or office or church or mosque or city or house) and the next and the next till you find who accepts you as you are. 

Don’t give up your individuality just because doing so makes another person more at ease to relate with you on their terms. 

Take pride in whatever it is that makes you different. Individuality is what divides you from the rest.

Happy Democracy Day in advance 

Bokoharam Is Not The Enemy

Let us be truthful and call a spade a spade for once in this country... we have far far bigger enemies than the so called sect names #Bokoharam. 

From what I remember in the latest spam message MTN sent me, Nigeria gained Independence in 1960 and became a republic in 1963, and since then we have not had a moments peace in this country. If it is not one coup after another, it is Biafra and if its not that it is some dark shade wearing dictator, then to corrupt politicians then the fuel subsidy unrest to the APC and PDP's battle of wits everyday in our news papers and bloody battles behind the scenes... and many old power hungry men and more nonsense I don't have the time to recall.

In my opinion, the white man left us alone to our devices way too early, we learnt nothing about Administration, we learnt nothing about Economics, we know nil about Management and least of all we know nothing about social empathy. Oh yes we have all the degrees in the world because our society places emphasis on paper, but having all the degrees in the world doesn't buy us common sense, it doesn't make us human... it doesn't teach us love. It just makes us one big society filled with Educated illiterates .. illiterate that celebrate mediocrity. I'll explain...so hold that thought.

It's not news that Patience Jonathan has no command of the English Language. Infact I doubt if the First Lady has had proper education. However that's no news

It's still no news that she has not tried to improve herself (as a person occupying the position of first lady) from the incoherent English she manages to spew from time to time. .. and that's such a shame on both her and the president. But that's old news

The bigger shame though is that Nigerians, residing in this safe-less, insecure, corrupt mess of a country (where children are killed on a daily basis...where 234 girls can be picked from their school and held hostage for three weeks and counting...) would rather crack jokes about the obvious (madam's English) during her speech at the conference she held, than try to focus on the reason she called the meeting in the first place. 

Back to that thought you are holding, I bet if the First Lady of the United States had given a similar speech albeit in perfect American English we will clap loud in adoration, tweet about it, many will say 'oh what a fine lady'. Because that is what we celebrate. Michelle's speech will be deftly delivered and half of her message lost during the process because guess what??? half of the citizens of Nigeria won't even understand what she said. But we won't mind...na those kine things dey totori us. 

Madam has delivered her speech in a way she understands, yes she could have done better than that, but she didnt... what she did do however is  talk in the language that every Nigerian understands, including the market women, the fish sellers, the palm wine tappers, the farmer, the PhD holder, the graduate of English, the lawyer, the engineer, even the 9 year old child can understand, but what do we do? We laugh about it, we call her names, we make T-shirts that read 'there is god oooo'. And I wonder, how does this jest and merry making at Madame's expense  #bringbackourgirls. If you make a joke about it the first and second day I can understand it because it was funny....but seriously till now? And we say we are intelligent? BAH!!!

Nigerians in Nigeria are we normal at all?  A country where we can't empathize? A people who are so intelligent that they look only towards making mockery of other people's inadequacies whereas their country ranks amongst the top unsafe countries? There is an issue on ground and till now we are still laughing at Patience?

Boko Haram is not the enemy, the black man is the enemy of himself...we are our own poison in this nation. 

What a joke of a people.... really, there is God

Nutty Jay

Honesty will kill your prospects for that job

I like that saying: 'Honesty is my best policy', although recent revelations has taught me not to trust anyone who says that every time, because it just means he/she has a lot of other policies; good, bad, ugly, better and then the best policy. Nah....that's an untrustworthy person

Back to getting the job...or not. In my position as Human Resource officer I have conducted a handful of interviews and you will be amazed at just how silly some people can be in their attempt to keep every thing honest. Don't get me wrong I like everything laid out on the table, but in my opinion you lay your cards all out when you've got all the aces.

So what do I propose you do?

Fake it!!! Until you make it.

For instance I am currently trying to recruit for the position of HR/ADMIN officer, and if it were left to me alone, as a psychologist, I would pick the best fit for the job from among the candidates who have come in thus far. But its not up to me alone, because also seated during these interview sessions is the External HR Consultant and my COO....and my MD at the last stage. Yes ke...it is a very sensitive position.

My concern is this, those with all the ability to do the job well and learn and grow with the organization if selected, are the ones who decide that honesty is the way to go. No!!! your employer wants to know what you know about the role, what you have done in that position and how you will be of value in filling this vacant position in their organization. Yes its not your fault that the operations in your former company (for instance in HR/ADMIN) differ greatly from this new company, but it is not for you to point it out...eg:

''...well I didn't handle that part of human resources, we had a recruiter for that, and also we had a lady in charge of handling personnel benefits and rewards, training/development was at the discretion of management and they initiated it...what I do in my current company is personnel management, making sure the payroll bla bla bla and they come to work on time or initiate disciplinary action bla bla''

That's the point, you don't have to be painfully honest!!! because if thats your response above, you therefore don't know shit  very much about the job!!! Yes your former job may not have allowed you the luxury of beings fully hands-on on majority of all that make up Human Resource Management, but since you know you can do it if given the chance, it is your responsibility to do a 3 hour crash course with whoever can help you, study what it takes to do the job, pray for direction and then go and call the bluff of the interviewer.

''...part of my job description includes recruitment, where by it is my responsibility to match suitable personnel for any vacant position in the organization, personnel training and development are also key areas in my function and this I do side by side with management by identifying areas where staff can be trained to better improve on their job to give them a competitive edge... I also am in charge of payroll administration and I do this together with the financial manager to ensure that tax, pension, loans and any other deductions are properly done. I have an assistant who is in charge of  health insurance for staff as well as the other insurances, I oversee his work etc etc etc'

Now note... these are some of the functions of Human Resource Management, you can subtly leave out Strategy planning and all those other harder stuff, but come on don't tell us you were not hands on the common areas of the job and you expect we would say 'no problem, thanks for your honesty, you got the job' no be so ooo.

Every employer as much as possible want to know that you are coming in to add value, if they have to train you on the common aspects of the job, then they might as well train someone already within the organization. Your prospective employer need to have confidence in your ability to do the job even better than the last person did.

It is your job to know about the job functions of the title you bear (Mechanical Engineer, Chemical Engineer, HR professional, Business Development Manager etc)....so talk your title. Whether or not you were responsible for every aspect of the job in your former place is of no consequence to your new employer... TALK EVERY ASPECT...when you get in, you will learn the practical. Talk your way in first

I don't think that is being dishonest. Do you?


Nutty Jay

Understanding Office Politics II

...welcome to the concluding part of this topic. If you didn't get the first part, click here

Learn How To Speak
There is a technique to using words in the office, I used to be an advocate of 'say it as it is after all you are right'... nah, that doesn't pay you, as a matter of fact it could take pay outta your pocket. Choose who you confide in very carefully, and do not make comments about other work colleagues, about your company, about your BOSS except the person you are talking to has a lot more to lose if it gets to the wrong ears. Don't you know that the only way some people can rise is by pulling others down? Don't let your loose lips sink you. Keep your words few

You Can't Change The System
Oh dear, you really can't. Except you knock it down, and rebuild it which I must say isn't why you were hired. By all means add value to where ever you find yourself , give the best you can to influence your work circle positively...but you must shake off that idea that you can change the system, one person cannot change the system, it is not possible and it is not necessary. What you can do is leave the system when it begins to tamper with your values and self esteem.


Be Patient
This is the part where you need to exercise patience...when you've played the game thus far, and played it well, take a sit and watch things unfold. You can't be seen to be too eager, desperation is suspicious. Exercise patience and control yourself, just wait. Its a virtue

Exit
I'm not saying quit your job, all i'm saying is that there is an exit door. The beauty about this whole thing is knowing that there are other places to work. Lesser places, better places, either ways you can always leave. When you begin to compromise your values (corporately) for a paycheck, very soon you will lose your voice. Before it gets there, always know that you can walk out.

But what if you don't want to play? What if you just want to do your job well, keep your head above water and just stay away from the shenanigans? Well like I said in the first part, that kind of behaviour will only make you a victim of war.

Office politics are inevitable, learn to adapt and manipulate people  circumstances in order to have a successful work life,  but whatever you do, be decent enough not to throw someone else under the bus for your own advancement. Do not lose your morals and values in the process.

THE END

Nutty Jay

Understanding Office Politics

Fact: Not everyone will enjoy their work life experience. No matter how good the job is.

Job satisfaction does not come as a result of your remuneration or benefits (or lack of it) or from performance incentives only. Satisfaction from the job can be gotten through the apt application of the fine art of this wonderful concept called OFFICE POLITICKING

Office Politics are the strategies that people play to gain advantage, personally or for a cause they support... it is a fact of life of every organization. Maybe because of the negative connotation attached to it is the reason new employees or pious people tend to shrug their shoulders and say 'Well I cant get into office poiltics, I'll just do my work and keep my head down'. News Flash: You are that employee who would find it very easy to be frustrated on the job. 

Office politics is a game you play in order to get and do those things that are unwritten in the office policy, its the game you play to jump the lines and bureaucracies and even some unwritten due processes.... its a game played by 90% of the staff in an organization from the Managing Director to the COO to the office assistants. Ignoring it, or denying it or avoiding it is just tantamount to living in a fools paradise because  whether you acknowledge it or not, it is happening around and over you and if you are not careful you will be a victim of war...the casual observers get chewed and spat out first.

No organization has unlimited resources that can go round everyone equally, first is for you to know this and accept it that some people will get more than others, whether they deserve it or not is a matter of opinion...your opinion I mean. However to be amongst those who gets a fair share from the company, you need to know how to play the game of making the politics at your work place work for you.

Swim along.... or be eaten alive

Build Relationships
Before you rush head in into building relationships you must first identify the key players in the organization: Influencers, those in authority, the leader of the grapevine, the custodian of sensitive information etc. Identify those who one way or the other your relationship with them can help your growth in the organization, then build relationship with them. A phone call every now and then outside of office work wont kill you, a cocktail after office hours wont bankrupt you. Actively taking part in out of office activities with your colleague is how relationships are built. You have to build your visibility with the people who could be directly and/or indirectly responsible for your uprising or downfall in the office, cultivate these relationships based on trust and by being dependable.

Share Information 
Note this, I am not asking you to gossip anyhow, that can breed mistrust... what i'm saying is that giving a colleague an information that can help them with their job, is an act that will put them in your debts. 'Normally I wouldn't tell you this, however I think this will be of use to you...' that's what i'm talking about. Not petty gossip on how your boss is a meanie or how Mr. A is stealing from the office

Conflict Management
Its bound to happen, don't take it personally...its business. Deal with the business issue that has caused the conflict and forget the rest. Don't return trash talk for trash talk...proving a point is at the long run a pointless exercise trust me. And on no account should you run to your boss to whine about your disagreement with another colleague, that's just you being a tale bearer or better yet, one who can't manage issues. That's bad dude. Except if you find out that your colleague is going to trash talk you to your boss, in which case you have to get to your boss first. But remember, the use of tact should come into play here: '...oh by the way, Austin and I behaved rather poorly today, hmmm let me tell you about it'

Please those who matter
It was Bill Cosby who said ''...I don't know the secret to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody'. You can't please everybody...so don't try. However you need to satisfy those that matter, its hard trust me...when you have these strong conviction of what is right, what is best practice and you want to stand up for your colleague against your boss... DON'T. Take a deep breath, count to 20, and choose pleasing your Boss over your colleague. Its a cold cold world.


....to be continued

I break that chain....

...oh that chain that has held me bound from writing for almost 4 months!!! I degree and I declare that that chain is broken for ever and my hands and mind are free to put down thoughts in writing. In Jesus name!!!

If you agree with me...say AMEN!!!


Nutty Jay