Honestly when I started blogging, I needed the release of being able to write anonymously from my heart, every single thing I wanted to say or everything I do, I wanted to be free to write without fear of censure from those who know me in real life. Or that was what I thought was my reason for blogging from an anonymous platform.
However…this morning, it just occurred to me that I’m probably just hiding. Hiding from the wrong things I've done in the past, and thus hiding from the wrong things I think I’ll do in the future then blog about. Hiding my health status, hiding my private thoughts that i feel like sharing but still keep private…just hiding. And what hiding does to you is that you are in a safe and cozy prison, you are not free to know who loves you just as you are because they don’t really know you, and some of those who do know you are saddled with the burden of keeping things hush hush for you that they have no idea if they are okay with these things or not, thus you always have to be explaining things and re-assuring them whilst still grateful that they are there anyway even with their faulted opinion about you.
And then you find out you are more focused on the past, either explaining it, or apologizing for it, or regretting it… and the devil begins to play chess in your head saying ‘what’s the guaranty that you won’t do it again, why do you think you deserve better etc’…and you begin to believe these and then you mess up some more because you believe its the story of your life, you cannot rise above what was…or what used to be.