Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I'm Being Choosy

Yes oooo....my friends think I'm crazy for not wanting to accept a particular marriage proposal. They think I'm being choosy and so far their arguements go thus:

''Girly...you know this guy loves you to pieces''

''Jay...this man is kind and accepts you as you are''

''Nutty what do you want...??? this one wont cheat on you''

And they are right....but there is a tiny weeny problem with this one....I dont trust him. Nah I dont mean he will cheat on me.... I just dont trust him.

Lemme explain... I'm a very practical person and approach things that way. So while I know love is a key function of any marriage...I also know its not enough. This Mister is all they say but his private thoughts gives me pause.

He is a good man yes...but not by my definition.

Being Kind....accepting me as I am and loving me is all well and good. But actually what I'm looking for is a husband who is:

- Committed to growing in his relationship with Christ: im not saying write it boldly on ur forehead....or act holy holy....nah!!! Fall short sometimes no problem....dont be very strong yet no problem....but he needs to love God and be committed to growing in his relationship with God. Not the one that tells me he hasnt been to church in four weeks cos the stress in lagos na wa.

- He should be an individual of Obvious Integrity: ya....but not foolish. I dont want a husband who can be pushed around just becos he is humble. One who is being cheated by friends and family but wont see it cos he believes everyone is good and just. And when I point out the obvious I'm told ''jay calm down, he's my friend and we've come a long way...so if he wants to spoil our friendship by being dishonest then he will lose the friendship' (ya...and a couple of millions too...SMH)

-Someone who can lead boldly, think for theirselves and make sound decision: This is the part were I say I dont trust him. I cant trust a man/woman who makes decisions based on sentiments...who make assumptions based on perceptions. Who wouldnt bother drawing up a contract agreement cos he 'trusts' the verbal argreement he has with his patner. I cannot always be on edge...I cannot marry and always be checking and re-checking decisions made for us by my husband. I need to be able to lean back and know that at least 60% of the time my husband would make sound decisions even if I'm not there.

It may sound minor...but to me its not. Love is important to me...but its not enough. For my sake...from were I'm coming from, from where I'm going to....Love alone with kindness and respect is not enough.

For example if I tell a man who loves me that I may be facing major sugery soon (hip replacement) except God heals me... the next thing...the immediate next thing I want to hear is 'for real?' or ''Is it that bad?'' or ''No....no way Jay, we serve a God...the Balm of Gilead is still alive'' or another response could be ''I hear its expensive...how will you manage that financially''

I expected to hear all that....not:

''ah han...if you go to America for the surgery will you come back to Nigeria? I dont want to lose you and you know I want to kick start marriage next year''

Me: huh???? (I no sure say I hear well)

Him: 'But anyways' he continued like he didnt see my surprised response 'it can be managed...lets do introduction and then you can go and bla bla bla''

I mean was that insecurity? Or was that his biological clock I heard ticking....or did he just panic? Or is there something involved in his haste for marriage that I dont know yet?

either ways....my friends are right. I am being choosy and I have many reasons to be.



  1. I don't think you are being choosy, I think you are being practical and it's a good thing. All the things you mentioned are things that make many couples breakup/divorce. So take you time and don't settle.

  2. hahhahahah his biological clock ticking... lol. I would say you are sound in having your reasons... it doesn't seem to resonate with ur guts - his proposal that is. Just keep praying about it. And gud luck with ur surgery xoxo.

  3. Listen to your guts ma, there is no rush o and hopefully you find someone who loves you and you love and has all the qualities you seek. Tk cr

  4. lmai@ biological clockk ticking......
    seriously that is a very annoying response to get after disclosing you will be going for surgery.............a male friend of mine did tell me that sometimes guys do/say stupid stuff when they are in love. maybe he just panicked lol

  5. Practicality is all well and good but life is in shades of grey and not always black and white.

    Pragmatism over love? Which would you choose?

    Would you rather he possesses ability to make practical sound decisions and he goes around hurting people including you?

    Would you rather have financially responsible instead of holding your hands through your surgery?

    You can't have it all my dear. We want ideal but what we get is reality.

  6. @Rey

    Pragmatism and love. How bout that? Bottom line is it doesn't sit well in her gut. 9 out of 10 my gut has saved me from things or I did things that didn't sit well with my gut and got burned.

  7. The best thing is to know what you want. Your friends opinion of a good man may not be ur cup of tea. So just do what is best for you.

  8. "if u go to America, will u come back?" Did he really say that? Mehn... lol.

    I totally understand, babe... (i mean, i'm the guy who broke off with a babe cos she luvd me TOO MUCH) ;)

  9. I'm here thinking all these things you've mentioned are not minor at all, they are serious. And I think you're on the right track by analyzing these things.

  10. My Nutty Professor, let ol skool up in here to drop a little wisdom.

    Well, do you know why I consider my blog a personal blog? It's because I try to speak from experiences I've gone "through"... the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, in regards to this subject (or ANY subject) it's always interesting to note that some people will give away (advise) something they've never owned.

    Anyway, love is one thing, but YOUR deal breakers will be the straws that breaks the camels back. I hear your love of God and his word, consequently, aside from the religious implications, I can not imagine you following a man that you did not respect. That's not a match made in heaven. And there is scripture that talks about being yoked to a non-believer.

    Love is a fleeting emotion, but doubt, resentments, fear and distrust are reoccuring nightmares.

    It's your thang baby, do what you do, I can't tell you, who to do the do... with.

  11. @ all thank you very much for taking time to comment on this...trust me i'll keep you posted as it all unfolds. For good...or bad.

  12. Who would rather no be choosy?
    Why settle for less??

    For a choice that can't be (easily) reversed, i surely shall be chosy.....

  13. rethots: Thanks for seeing it that way....I also saw ur other comments on the previous posts...

  14. ...People are quick to label others. Its your life to live and its better you shine your eye than be wiping tears after marriage. God forbid bad thing. BE choosy all you need to, biko

  15. at least you know what you want; that the only way to recognize it when it stumbles your way


Say it as you mean it... I can take it