The Inadequate Father (CRITICAL DAD)

Last week we started a series on the Inadequate Father...culled from a teaching I heard on wounds fathers unconsciously inflict on their children. Last week was focused on the Missing In Action Father.... if you missed it, please click here

The Critical Dad

This is the father who does not accept himself and is projecting his poor self image on his children. He is the father who hasn't achieved in his own time and is taking out his frustration on his children. There was a certain man who tried to study medicine but couldn't, so he forced his seven (7) children to read medicine...most of them ended up spending 12 years in the university because they had no idea what they were doing. Another example are fathers whose kids come second (2) in class and they yell and scream: 'WHY DID YOU COME SECOND, THE PERSON WHO CAME FIRST DOES HE HAVE TWO HEADS? HOW DARE YOU WASTE MY MONEY LIKE THIS'.... instead of simply saying 'well-done, you did well...next time try and come first'

The legacy Critical fathers leave for these children (who grow to be adults) include:

1. Poor Self Image: Children from a critical dad who grow up to be adults, project poor self image, they have a distorted image of themselves and their abilities

The Inadequate Father- M.I.A

Yesterday was father's day and many of us celebrated our fathers on Facebook and blackberry...but not many of us, are willing to face the truth about how some abnormalities we notice in our behaviors are a direct result of our father's inadequacies while we were growing up.

I listened to a teaching about the the wounds fathers unconsciously and/or consciously inflict on their children while they were growing up, and I'll we sharing it with you all (in my own words) in this series titled 'The inadequate Father'. We will start with the Missing-In-Action Father (MIA Father)

The Missing-in-Action Father is one who is alive but is/was unavailable. He  is the father that interrupts the emotional bonding between him and his children by his long absences. Fathers working in rigs are wounding their children without knowing it. Fathers who work elsewhere, like soldiers who get transferred on military assignments to other countries while leaving their children to be raised by their wives are wounding their children without knowing it. Every time they come back and the child is trying to reconnect, before he succeeds, daddy is gone. Children from a broken home also fall within this category of those who grow up with a M.I.A father

Considering the fact that children are egocentric, i.e. believing that everything is about them or revolves around them, these children grow up with the misplaced thought that ‘Daddy left because of me, if only I was a better child, if only I was a prettier child, if only I was wanted, daddy would have stayed’. They never consider it that its mummy and daddy's inability to make their relationship work. Such thoughts are not loud or outright, it is mostly in the subconscious thus is not easily identified or seen as a threat to their future relationship with others

The legacy absentee fathers leave for these children (who grow to be adults) include:

Scandal...

I began the tortuous process of watching Scandal. The process began with the decision to begin a drama series after painfully counting the costs which included having it at the back of my mind that this would herald the start of sleepless in Lagos. It’s been 72 hours and I’m almost at the end of season 2 and I feel like bursting

Olivia Pope: The beautiful, sexy little thing. An independent woman, an achiever, a goal setter and getter, the woman every man wants to be with but very few can handle. A woman like that in real life represents a threat to manhood, and would more often than not be discriminated against. But in ‘scandal’…she’s the fixer…the one that makes things happen, or disappear…and appear. A professional fixer who once worked on the President’s campaign. In fact she is on a kentro level and only the love of one man, makes us see that she’s actually a woman

Mr. President: Tall, broad, handsome, always have the subtle boyish smile waiting to melt the hearts of those who sees it…Unhappy in his marriage, a little bit clueless and madly in love with one woman. The only woman for which he knows no reason. It’s sad really  that the fear of being like his father (Big Jerry) makes him lack the ruthless qualities the president of the free world should have. But he’s not doing badly.

Cyrus: Oh Cyrus the bulldog, dragon and ruthless knight of the Oval office…vicariously ruling through the president. His character makes me understand that as big as the sky is, not all of us can fly in it…some do their flying by helping others soar higher than the rest.

Mellie: Conniving, determined, ambitious pretty lady. Who loves her husband but is more in love with the power his position grants him. She’ll do anything to make him happy, but above all, she’ll do anything to make him remain in power…She’s not a First Lady content to play the background role...power hungry grabbing b*#ch

Scandal touches on the powers behind the power…it shows the conspiracies, the betrayals, the cover ups and the unimaginable things that goes on behind the political scene working together to make things appear perfect…. Its fast, its racy, it’s addictive, it’s too much pleasure and pain and rush in one movie…almost sinful.

Harrison: You can take everyone away from this drama  but leave Harrison for me... i'll gladly make him my scandal. Mehnnn I have children in my mind already for him... I took a keen interest in him when I met in at 'Stomp the Yard'... and I've watched him grow since then, I've dreamed of becoming 'Mrs Columbus Keith'  for a long time and I see little Keiths seated around our dinning table. I love you Columbus *Harrison* Keith. Fine boy no pimples, sexy eyes...dangerous playful smile...and a voice that just arouses my sexual goddess ..oh Keith when will you Marry me na, stop teasing me. leave my dreams and come and sing in real life for me...

Shonda Rhimes creates some very beautiful on edge stories, take Grey’s Anatomy for instance. She know son'thing for that her head.  Good work Shonda... keep doing whatever it is you are doing.

Nutty Jay

Weddings...

I'm not a wedding go-er... I don't know why, maybe its something in my genes. Whenever I go its because I've been compelled to or its just unavoidable. And such unavoidable weddings come once in a year or once in two years (I'm ashamed to say that, but its that bad... cant believe I missed almost all my friend's weddings)

One came up this year. Last weekend...and I say I must to go this one. I didn't have much of a choice anyways. So I traveled on a Friday, saw some friends in Abj on Friday night....got in my dress on Saturday and went for the wedding. And it was a beautiful wedding...so beautiful that I began to get dizzy with all the colorful attires and activities. 

The wedding apart from being a wedding could conveniently pass for a show too, where one would probably pay N10,000 for ticket and the caption would be: 'Jumai* hooks Femi*' 

Ministering: Bishop ****

Guest Speaker at the wedding: Dame Patience Goodluck Ebele

Featuring: Flavor, Uti (from big brother), Gordons, J-Martins and many others

MC: Jedi

Also Starring; Dangote Aliko, Ngozi Iweala, Otedola and many others

It was interesting to know that Jumai* and Femi* had known for 12 years...they dated earlier in 2003 for sometime on and off, broke up...went their separate ways after 2 years or so...dated others and but finally came back together in 2010. hmmmm.... okay the way it was told at the event, you would want to cry at how romantic it all seemed

Moral Lessons:

1. Love will find a way:  Whether you met 4 months ago or have known for 12 years... He/She that will come to you, will come

2. The Wedding Day will surely come: whether its Dame Patience that would be speaking at your church service, or its just your regular church wedding service without the interruption of the first lady, the day will come

3. ...and the D Day will go: oh yes, whether its 10,000 guests or just the regular 300-500 people, the wedding day will come to an end. Most times by 7pm that day

...and when the curtains have been closed and the applause ended and the guests have all gone home, you both will be alone, to begin your marriage 

4. But if you are the guest of such a glamorous wedding... go there with your business cards. Ah han... is it your wedding? Go and network o jare... the truth of the matter is your presence may not make much of a difference anyway, so why not make business contacts? 

Enough said already...cos all this kine wedding talk don dey make marriage hungry me

Nutty J