I'm walking away

My head knew it was over and it conveyed the message through my mouth via the telephone to my boyfriend. Now none of this went through my heart because for one reason or the other my heart couldnt come to terms with the fact that it was broken. That was Monday the 21st.

I remember him asking why I was acting up and this was not right and was it because of this or that or this etc etc...okay why dont we see and talk about it...could you please arrange a meeting lets talk? he asked. And I wondered how it is that I have to be the one to arrange a 'meeting' for us to see and talk about a break up? All my insistance that it doesnt matter if we see or not becos I wasnt changing my mind fell on deaf ears. Long story short I decided to meet him up somewhere to talk about it, besides I still had part of his bday gift I hadnt given him yet because the parcel was delayed. So I called off my other appointment for saturday and met up with boyfriend

''Baby I dont understand why you are acting up...what did I do, was it because of last week saturday...ok I'm sorry'

''...it wasnt becos of that, its just a mixture of a lot of things like I said and...''

'' Is there someone else'' he interrupts as if what I'm saying isnt worth hearing

'' There is no one else...and this is what I'm talking about, you wouldnt even listen when I talk'' I said a bit amused becos this is how our conversation always goes

...then we talked or rather I talked and he heard me but I knew he wasnt listening, he knows I still care for  him,and I really do but I know that love is not enough. I know he loves me... but I also know that he is emotionally unavailable, I know he would always have other options, I know with him I'll always be alone because what I find funny he finds ridiculous, what I find painful he finds hilarious  what I take seriously he takes for granted... and no matter how much I talk about these, he will never understand.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, but i dont think wanting to feel secure in love is too much to ask...and I have never felt that way with him. And I'm tired of wondering.

Does this make him bad? No it doesnt... it just means I'm not the girl he can do those things with. One day he will find that girl and do all the right things with her, he would pay her all the attention she needs, he would put her first, he would include her in his decision making, she will be one of his top priorities, he would listen to even her unspoken words and he would show her he loves her everyway he can...he would be honest with her...he wouldnt switch off his phones on weekends and public holidays, he would want to spend time with her even if he doesnt have the time, he would make out time...he would be concerned when she says she is ill, with her he would be able to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize without being asked to...he wouldnt make her feel she is being oversensitive when she calls him to his errors...he will make her feel she is enough for him and he wouldnt have a problem showing commitment to her. And that is just how life is. That's just the way it is

''Jay you mean alot to me...are you sure you have thought this through and you think this is the best conclusion?''

Would have sounded nicer than:

''If it makes you happy then no wories...I'll adjust to being without you, I just hope you know what you are doing and are not making a mistake''

It would have sounded better but at the point were I was, it wouldnt have made a difference...I have had enough. And as much as it hurts and breaks my heart to know that its over... I also know that nothing is worth being pushed away emotionally over and over again for...or being abused emotionally over and over again. Actually no one is worth losing my self esteem for, I've spent alot of time building myself to the me that is strong and secure and I wont allow one man tear my self confidence down and turn me into an insecure broad...enough is enough.

Sometimes Its okay to hit the disconnect/red button and that is what I did officially on Saturday the 26th Of June...

Will I miss him? Yes I would...he called me this morning on my way to the ofice saying:

''So for real you dont want to check up on me again? you didnt even call me through out yesterday...dont you know I miss you?''


I miss him too...but its going to be fine. That project is for another girl. And I wish her success. I'm through with following my heart...now I'm going to be leading my heart and it would follow me.


I'd rather be alone and ALONE...than have a partner and STILL be alone.








''Nutty how do you manage to just walk away...after all the time and energy you have invested...I mean how come its never difficult for you to pull the plug'' my friends have a way of asking.

Contrary to what they think its hard...its very hard walking away, especially this one...hell I purposely didnt get into any relationship for two years because I didnt want to make a mistake or get into one for the wrong reasons... but I know the truth, which is that, being with him isnt a healthy environment for me mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sometimes physically. So no matter how heart breaking it is, I can get out...after all the truth you know sets you free. and deep down we always know he truth... its accepting it that is the problem most times


If its the pain I feel...then its no problem, I'm no stranger to pain. No mater how much the pain lasts, its only going to be for a while.


I know its gonna be okay.


N'J

Random....

Its raining cats and dogs...terribly cold here and I remember it was also a rainy day 25th of June 2009...weird huh? Even the weather mourns Michael Jackson's untimely exit. Cant believe its a year already. Now that is an example of what I call a sensitive guy...always with a 'please'...'yes ma'am' and 'thank you' on his lips. I imagine him singing his wo/men to sleep. or maybe when he has a quarell with his partner, who then gives him the silent treatment, I imagin him getting close to said partner, looking deep into his/her eyes and just saying:

''Another day has gone, I'm still all alone, How could this be, That You're not here with me'

And then s/he would be forced to acknowledge that by saying:

''Dont start Michael I'm here..I'm standing right in front of you'

Then Micheal with love in his eyes draws her close to him and wispers ''I'm sorry baby, i dont want to know who is right or wrong, I just want us to be right''

"but Michael this keeps...''

''...please baby dont say a word,'' Micheal interrupts ''can I sing to you please, its playing in my head and I want you to hear it before I put it on paper''

''I dont know if I....'' gets cut short by Michael's voice

''This time gonna do my best to make it right
Can't go on without you by my side
Hold on
Shelter come and rescue me out of this storm
And out of this cold I need someone
Oh why oh why why why
If you see her
tell her this from me
All I need is
One more chance at love''

''awwww...baby, I forgive me...just hold me Micky, never let me go''

Then laying her down on the couch and giving her room to snuggle close to him, and when he knows she is warm enuff in his embrace he say...

''I'll hold you anytime baby..everytime...In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow,In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part For You're Always In My Heart''

Na wa oooooooooo, Michael Jacky...imma missing you jare. If only my boyfriend has quarter of the sensitivity you had, I'd be a very happy woman. I miss you


On a more random note, I've been limping for a while now...if you count two weeks as a while. I cant say it started all of a sudden because I've noticed that my pelvic joint tends to freeze for like 2 mins if I stand up after sitting in one position for too long...I've noticed this for the past three years... but now oooo, two/three weeks ago i notice that the freezing has gone from 2 mins...to 24hrs

Now i'm dragging my feets all over the office, when hopping into a cab...when climbing Okada, fine girl like me...its so pronouced that one bike man said:

''Aunty no worry, I go invite you go my church, one prayer and e go heal one time''

I went to see a physiotherapist at Reddington who said its strain...I no know watin that one mean, this is 2 weeks man...I went to C.R.I and I was given anti-inflammatory pain relievers...which worked, but which finished 3days ago...bringing me back to limping stage again.

My mum been insisting I go do an x-ray...and with the way she was insisting I got suspicious and asked:

''You better tell me what you think...cos its unlike you to be bugging me on phone for x-ray''

''What have you got against doing an x-ray'

''Nothing, but why are you so pro-Xray all of a sudden''

Pause

''Mum??'' the alarms had gone off in my head...its not like my mum to go mute

''hmmm...I just want you to go and check because my doctor (mumsi is a nurse) said maybe the joints around ur pelvic area may be wearing off/out''

''Huh? watin be that?'' I said with panic. I was beginning to imagine all sort of things

''See no need for alarm, you just need to know so they can know what to do''

See me see wahala oh...how does bone just wear off...sharply I called my doctor in Reddington

''L see what mumsi said ooo, all these warri doctors don de talk over sabi sabi things'' As if saying so lessens the credibility of the doctors

Pause

'L??? are you there'' My heart beat was like doing 3 beats in 2 seconds

''I'm here nutty...academically its possible, its called *insert big grammer here* of the Femur''

Well I had these conversation two days ago...havent done X-Ray yet because Aunt Flow is visiting and I can imagine the doctors face if I get on his table and pull down my knickers... so I'm waiting for Aunty flow to go home and then I'll go see whats up with my hips...

But which kin bones+wearing+off talk be that? fear de catch me ooo...God have mercy.


Have a lovely Weekend



N'J



P.S: And I have a date tomorrow...how in hell do you wear high heels limping. This world is just a wicked place.

Devil just dress far from me oooooo. because i'm not finding all this rubbish funny at all. It wont be in your best interest if you wanna be starting something...

P.P.S: Will the damn rain just stop now...???

I've been accused of Over Analysing...

...and sadly i'm guilty as charged.


Come on Nutty... dont let them say such things about us

The earlier my brain accepts its true and that he (the brain) is the main reason we are being accused the better for him. eh yes...my brain is a he.

Its true...I agree it is true, I find myself over-analyzing even the smallest of details...a gesture given or not given must have a meaning behind it... a smile that doesnt reach the eyes means something, a story that doesnt add up, i would never let go until I get to the bottom of it. Initially I thought its how everyone behaves you know... until I discovered that some people just go with the flow....and are happier for it.

Are you saying we are not happy?

eh...I haven't said so brain, but are we happier knowing all the things we know/find out? I dont think so. The time has come to just Stop...infact what do I fear so much that I always have to be seeking secrets and hidden conspiracies behind every word or look or smile. Madness in practice.

I want to stop it and am reading an article on How to stop Over Analysing now the problem is I'm trying to read in between the lines...haba!! trying to read in between the lines of a self help article. Abi make I just branch Yaba left for Psychiatric evalution...cos this is borderline crazy.


Anyways its a bad habit I'm gonna stop...soon. I no be FBI nor CIA... so the next time I see my boss going beet red as he walks on one side very close to the wall, with shifty eyes, i'm not going to try and reason that the probability of that fart smell being associated with him is very high. No...I'll just assume he went red for no reason. Yeah...I'm gonna use my brain for lighter things oh jare...those when wan lie should lie...I will allow you, I wont raise my eyebrows...I wont wonder why, I may not believe, but I wont try and imagine why you lied. My brain will be used for other things, not for worry over why, when, how,etc...I will join the happy people league. My brain will be used for lighter things as shown in the pic


Huh? for that only?



sharrraaap there....Hakuna Matata



an·a·lyze (n-lz)
tr.v. an·a·lyzed, an·a·lyz·ing, an·a·lyz·es
1. To examine methodically by separating into parts and studying their interrelations.



N'J

Embrace your pain.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about pains...

- Physical Pain

- Emotional Pain

- Pain of watching a dream not come to reality

- Pain of rejection

- Pain of failure

...any type of pain you can think of and I pause sometimes and think that its unfair. I'm a sweet girl. I do right by people. I love and give selflessly...I dont discriminate. I do right by man and I fulfil my moral obligations. So why do somethings not add up. Why do I have to suffer some form of pain or the other.


At those times I remember that God doesnt give us what we cannot bear... I remember his words in II Corinthians 12:9: And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.


Meaning I can take it...meaning we are strong enough to bear it. And I know its okay...knowing that humbles me and I know its going to be okay.

The thing is one day we will trade our pains for gains...but for now its okay to embrace pain. Pain could either be your friend or your enemy...so why not make it your friend, hold it close...allow it teach you, learn the lessons it brings...allow it humble you so that you will never forget He who saw you through and made His grace available to you. So that you wouldnt say '' I worked hard for what I have today''...instead you will say '' If it had not been for the Lord by my side...''


Your pain has made you what you are today...dont resent it, dont blame God, dont be embarrassed by it...dont feel bad when people reject you for it. Embrace your pain and allow it teach you. Then wait, watch and you will see.



N'J

If I hear one more word about football...

For goodness sake what is this madness? Are people getting less busy or maybe i'm just grown up because this is the first time I'm ever hearing/feelin much hype about a football tournament.

Football: Harmless object being chased around field by grown sweaty men.

Worldcup: A cup for the whole world.

eh en...is that not all so what is this madness? oghene biko...

Maybe someone can help me feel the rush...cos left for me, if it doesnt enhance my IQ (which it doesnt) or it doesnt add to my finances (which it doesnt) I could care less.

This rant is as a result of the conversation I had via phone this evening

Me : Girly whats up? I've been calling you where you put your phone?

Friend:: Sorry no vex...wanted to call back but no credit, and I couldnt tear myself off the match...hope you are watching it.?

huh?...see this babe oh..we need to solidify our plans for tomorrow... and she de yarn about match. Since when na?

Me: Watch which match? na my family de play? anyways shey we are still on for tomorrow....I really want us to check the shops in the mainland so we'll be starting from Ikeja. I'll be at your place say 11am so we can get a early sta....

Friend: (interrupts)....em I was thinking we could start earlier...say 8:30am...u know we might waste time na...and I want to get home at least by 2am

Me: Ha!! you could have told me your fiance is still in town na...we would have re-scheduled

Friend: Oh no no no...he's gone. I want to get back in time for the Nigeria- Argentina football match


Okay now i'm properly shocked...football is making my friend cut short a day that promises to be funfilled. Na wa oooo...who goes shopping as early as 8am by the way? them dey pursue me from house? And did she just say we might waste time? see watin football de cause? A girl for that matter...a girly kind of girl. When I was climbing trees as a child, she was playing with barbie and cooking with sand and stone on pretend firewood.

FIFA slow your role, let my people go....and all you lovers of football relax na. There is more to life ooo than this upcoming one month of football madness.

I rest my case



N'J

Previously on 24...

‘’Have I not tried…what is it? I know I couldn’t be there physically but I tried as much as possible to make sure you are happy for the birthday. Its obvious you just like quarrelling or you dont like being happy’’

A week prior to June 4th my boyfriend had told me he wouldn’t be in town for my birthday because he was travelling for his secondary school friend’s wedding. A guy he hasn’t seen in like 10yrs… a friend I was just hearing about. He then asked that I come with him…as how na? I had friends and family who were going to visit me and show me love on Saturday…abandoning them for a trip I wasn’t sure of didn’t seem fair and I told him so. He actually tried to show his remorse that he was gonna miss out of being with me that day and sent me a cake on Friday the 4th and sent his gift also.



I went to the Redemption camp that Friday to celebrate the birthday with the Lord. And Saturday I was home…preparing for my visitors. Have you noticed what a sport I am being about not having my boyfriend around? Because I have put myself in his shoes and I know (not) he has to be where he has to be… and while I’m wondering if I should drown the rice in pepper, Delta State style but still considering that there were a lot of Ajebutters in Lagos who may not like pepper…I decided to call my boyfriend wondering why he hasn’t called to say he had arrived Uyo or maybe changed his mind and was coming over (if wishes were horses)


‘’Sorry, the MTN number you have dialed is unreachable at the moment’’ this was 10am


So I did my thing…sent an sms:


Sweets wats up where you at? Lagos? Uyo? Either ways enjoy your weekend and keep me posted. My regard to the newly weds…have fun


You see how lovely I am?

‘’Sorry the MTN number you have called his unreachable…please try again later’’ This was 1:45pm


I checked my delivery report which showed that the message I sent was still pending. Damn!!! This is the part where I start to worry….

Hope he is fine?

Should I call his family to ask if they’ve heard from him? Hmmm…no! no need to start panic

Plane crash? God forbid


Or did he just forget me…on a day as today? Now I was uncertain.

‘’the mtn number you are trying to call is still unreachable, this girl abeg rest shooooo’’ this was 2:30pm

Even my guests tire for me…I was plain worried… I tried to keep up a good front and went thru the motions of smiling and appearing to feel alright. The light on my phone caught my attention and I went directly to the reports and viola!!!

‘’Message delivered’’

Inhale….exhale. this was 3.30pm

Hopefully I’ll get a call immediately…

Okay not immediately but at least soon? 3:40pm

Okay not soon…but at least? 3:45pm

A text? 3: 55pm

At wits end I decide to call…..ringringringringringringring

‘’No answer’’ x4

‘’Jay where I am is very noisy now, and picking your call will be a complete waste, I will call you as soon as I find a quiet corner’’ an sms from my dearest at last. It was 4: 10pm

By my calculation it sud take like 2mins…okay 5mins or what the hell 10 minute to find a quiet area right? Wrong.

It took an hour thirty six minute later to call me. Please note that I haven’t heard my bf’s voice for almost 27hrs by now. Seeing that the last time we spoke (forget sms) was in the morning of Friday.

So the call came and I excused myself from the already ruined get to gether (in my mind sha, because ladies and gents were having fun without me)…went to the room and I was like:

‘’how could you…what the hell is wrong with you…do u know what you have put me thru worrying about you? where are you bla bla bla’’

Then he goes on to tell me I don’t like understanding, that shey he sent me an sms to say where he was, was noisy etc and then his outburst:

‘’Have I not tried…what is it? I know I couldn’t be there physically but I tried as much as possible to make sure you are happy for the birthday. Its obvious you just like quarrelling or you dont like being happy’’


‘’…wait wait wait….am I hearing this, are you saying this with a straight face? Is there an un-hear button I can click?’’ I asked

Because seriously I didn’t believe I was hearing this. Dude keeps dudette worried about his whereabout only for dudette to discover he is fine (thank God) but he didn’t think it necessary that he checks in on a day his arse was supposed to be physically present and he turns around to say dudette doesn’t like to be happy, because he has done everthing possible (gifts and blabla) to make up for his absence.

Obviously he had a vision that I was from PH( poor home) or that i was starved of gifts from my former life or that it was written that material gifts make up for lack of thoughtfulness...well that vision must be from the devil and i wasnt going to let him get away with it. He had hurt me with both his actions and words and I told him as such and unintentionally added;

''You are thoughtless and cruel and it hurts me because one day we may break up and you will learn from this and start doing all the right things for the girl who wouldnt love you half as much as I do...she would then take your love for granted and you will remember my selfless love and you will pause and regret all these''



Silence

Silence


More Silence

‘Jay’’


Silence


‘’Jay are you there…’’

‘’ I’m here…’’

‘’I’m sorry…I really am jeez, please don’t say things like that’’

‘’like what?’’

‘’that we’ll separate, is that what you envisage? Please baby I’m sorry, I didn’t see it the way you just said and I’m sorry ’’

That was three sorrys in two breath…I don’t really understand this guy. As much as I love him I just don’t get that he doesn’t get it. Okay I do…I’m willing to believe he doesn’t know how to be in a proper relationship considering his history with relationships but watin? What is it…how unschooled can one person be in the act of commitment that you still don’t know till now that it’s the little things that matter. A different scenario would have been him calling before or after he leaves for the place and say

‘’babes I’m about leaving/ I’m here now…I’m missing you and make sure you have fun on your day’’

Finish….Simple as A B C….it would have saved a lot of the drama and heated conversation we just passed thru. Now you are sorry?

‘’ Jay are you there…I love you’’

This was 6PM

Okay i know you might be thinking that if i'm so unhappy then why dont you leave him...he must be a complete jerk. Hmmm ya...you wouldnt be far from right...but again I'm no longer that hasty. Now I make sure I do all I can, give all the chance I can give becos I realise that people are from different backgrounds and prior till now those he grew up with for the past 30 or so yrs loved him like that...so Eight (8) months would not really change a 30 yr old stock...so i'm waiting and i'm trying to understand. But one day I may run out of patience...that is the day where sorry would not work, cos I would show no mercy and I wont forgive. I pray that day doesnt come, because I do love the man.



Fabulo-la was talking about long distance relationship here encouraging those involved in LDR....and I wondered about those who have near distance relationship but whose partner seem emotionally distant

And I wonder....Is the distance solely in miles and miles of empty spaces between the partners or doesn't long distance relationship also involve emotional distance?

Relationships are damn hard


N'J

Happy Birthday To Me

Excuse me what did you just say?

Nutty J calm down…you are going to blow this out of proportion

I wasn’t ready to let my head talk me into backing down on this, my friend was trying my patience and I'd had enough with that last statement:

I say repeat yourself

‘I say slow your role… slow your role, you are no saint…everyone lies now and then, its how life is…so stop questioning me’’


Chei! I’ve suffered oh…but what can I say. From the harmless white lies people tell on FB to the day to day mask they wear in order to give people the impression that they are strong, big and reliable, lies or the act of lying have now been accepted by some as a way of life. they get so caught up in them that they start getting high on their own supply…they start believing the lies to be true.

Now let me start by saying…like George Washington said: I cannot tell a lie. It’s simple like that. Not because I’m goody two shoes or because I’m such a good Christian…but something about the act of not purposely misleading another human even when I know I can, makes me feel good. I’m not talking about tactlessness here; I’m talking about not using my mouth or actions to purposely deceive/mislead another human being.

But that is not my point today…what bothers me is the way we readily believe the lies others tell us. We have paid so much attention to the opinions of others that we now rely on their better judgment.

The fact is that there is only one truth. And that is what you believe. If you choose to believe a lie, then you have found your truth. Good or bad whatever we believe of our self is what would come to pass. Many times we find ourselves stuck in a rut because somehow we have been convinced that that is the best we can be, we become grateful for crumbs because we believe that we cannot do better…we listen to people tear us down with simple logic like ‘’ah lily* why are you arguing…be grateful for this one oooo, remember where you are coming from’’

So you settle for that man/woman who makes you feel unworthy, who you cannot rely on, who doesn’t know how to put you first. The fear of rejection becomes the sadative that shuts out the pain you feel on a daily bases. And all because you do not take out time to know the truth about yourself. The truth which says you can make it on your own. The truth that says you are strong enough to recognize bullshit when you see it and refuse to swallow it.

No man is an island, sure…every body needs somebody…I agree. But what you need…what deserve is a love that takes the time to know you, a love that takes the time to understand…A love that loves you for who you are not for what you represent. Anything less than this is just you agreeing that you cannot do better, because you are not worth it. And that is your truth.

Okay I know I’m supposed to be talking about birthday cakes and presents and where the party ‘s at well its my party I’ll cry if I want to, preach if I want to, scream if I want to….ha ha ha.

So I’m gonna use this medium to thank God, because morning by morning new mercies I see…all that I’ve needed in this life his hands hath provided. Even when I’m not HIS friend He remains my friend…when I don’t deserve His love due to my wayward ways…his mercies keeps me. When the world and my loved one turn their back at me, God keeps me… I’m alive today because God kept me….I have the strength to stare rejection in the face and shrug it off because I know that no matter how much man fail me, I have a Father that would never ever fail me….nor forsake me. All the things that scar me, are the same things that make me unique and If God says I'm good enough...then I am. All I have He gave me…what I am today, he made me so I have no other argument…I have no apologies…it is enough that Jesus died….and that He died for me.

And that is both the fact and the truth.

hehehe



N'J