I was told to write an essay recently on my worse pain
I couldn’t think about
anything… I kept going back and forth in my head trying to think about what it could
have been. And honestly when I started writing this I was just going to write
that nothing really in my past has been that painful to qualify as ‘that painful’. Not even when I lost my first job because I had gone to do a surgery
But then a memory hit me on the spot! Like God brought it back to my memory
So it was the month of June 2002, I was writing my
SSCE, it was also my birth month. Coincidentally I had the same birth date
with an uncle, my dad’s cousin. And he was turning a certain age that year (I
cant remember), but I remember we had all jokingly agreed I will be
celebrating with him that year.
At least in my mind I believe that was the tentative
plan… ironically his son was my classmate, so most of our class mates would be at
that party
I prepared for that day. I think I bought a new outfit, I made my hair a fascinating cornrow kinda style. I was amped. My birthday
was a Tuesday (June 4th) but this party was for a Saturday, June 8th
Then comes June 8th 2002… a Saturday. My mum was working morning duty and she had
told us she would meet us at the venue. So by afternoon I had prepared food for
my dad and siblings to eat and I was hurriedly doing the dishes so that I could
go dress up for Uncle G’s birthday. Then my dad walked into the kitchen and the
following conversation ensued:
‘Where do you think you are going, what’s all this
excitement about’ ' My dad asked
‘Errhm for Uncle G’s birthday, it’s this afternoon….' I responded puzzled, honestly I was confused.
‘Naaaahhhh… you are not going, oh ooo so that you can go and meet all those useless
boys in your class abi? Or you think I don’t know what the excitement is about?
and etc etc etc
He went on and on and on and I couldn’t believe it. This
day I had looked forward to for weeks! Like this like this the day was being snatched
away only based on an imagination of
his on what I couldn’t even frigging understand.
I walked normally to my room, , locked the door,
went into my wardrobe, cried silently, cried and cried and cried. Yeah in my
home you don’t just stay anywhere and cry because that could trigger another
stream of verbal abuse. So you hide to cry. If you had to cry, that is. Today i wasn't even crying that I wouldn't be attending the party... I was crying at the accusations of a crime I was being punished for. A crime I hadn't commited. I didn't even understand what my dad was saying to me.
After that I took the card I had bought for Uncle G,
addressed it and gave my younger brother to help me give him at the party
My dad saw the card, abused me some more and asked me
if I bought him a big card like that for his own birthday, said I was trying to
impress my uncles sons…. and long story short, I was left at home. Heartbroken
Now let’s recap… I was being punished for a crime I
did not commit, a crime I did not even plan to commit, and all based on imagination/assumption. Mind you this was my dad's usual way so this wasn't the first time I was being denied or verbally abused about something, as a punishment for nothing
What was the crime? It was that the reason I was
excited was because ‘I knew my class mates will be there and so I want to go
and see the useless boys, plus the crime
of wanting to impress my cousins’.
What the fig???? Typing this now I cannot even
understand this
This issue came up again June 12th, and it
led to me being asked to leave the house after I got through with my WAEC (long story) and I was
out of the house for Nine (9) months, until I gained admission to the
university.
Apparently that incidence changed something in me. I didn't know that until last Sunday night when I recalled the memory. So that for every time
I perceived I was being wrongly accused by someone I cared for, or if they misconstrued my actions and did not bother to seek clarification from me, I
automatically made effort to prove them right. After all if I was to be 'punished', I might as well do the crime. And I lived like that for a long time
Sad way to live
Many years passed and I began walking closely with the Lord and I stopped
doing that.
But I discovered of recent that being falsely accused triggered something in me, I get crazy, mad, erratic up to the point of permanently ending
every thread of contact with the person. Which was better than excuting the murderous thoughts that play in my head those moments
Why am I sharing this? Because I know many of you will say: 'because of this small thing?"
You see there are histories buried and stored in us through past experiences of life, that makes us respond in certain ways to the situations that we
face today. Thus you face a particular situation and what was stored back there in
time past affects the way you respond to the present situation confronting you. You may never know why you behave strangely sometimes, until you search those things out and deal them. Because many are coming from buried unforgiven memories. I believe if you ask God to show you why you react in certain ways, He will help you and show you and then heal you. He searches the heart and deep places of our being.
I got my healing on Monday... I guess God wanted to heal me from that stronghold and thus He revealed to me the source. You too can be healed, and I pray that God heals your pain and sets you free from every bondage, both known and unknown in Jesus name
Happy Weekend in Advance :)
